The Ranches YSA Ward

Recently our Elders quorum in our young single adult ward restarted what they call, "Warrior's Council." It's a weekly meeting that they started to help build unity and give support to grow in self-mastery. The book that we would be focusing on was, "Like Dragons Did They Fight." That book was written for addictions with pornography, but we discuss about self-mastery in general, coming together as a support group, and being there for each other. We meet every Tuesday and we discuss parts of the book with each other. It is an incredibly humbling and strengthening experience to attend. At first I was skeptical. I was going more for a support group, but could these young men really support me and listen to me being gay? The weeks leading up to a specific meeting I was in a dip with my depression and I felt alone and not cared about. We read the beginning of chapter 1 titled, "The Pain."

"You have tried everything. You are not stupid. You have decent self-discipline in almost all other areas in your life. You know better. It is not like someone has to motivate you to stop your misbehavior. You have hated it from the beginning... and still... it comes back again and again and again. It is almost impossible to talk to anyone about it. No one is going to understand. They are just going to tell you what you already know - it is bad to do and you should stop or you are 'going to Hell.'

For a while, you have maintained hope. You have succeeded before in other things and you believed you could succeed again. You have been a problem solver and you thought you could solve this one also. But... it's not working this time. You have begun to withdraw from those who would be disappointed if they knew. you have begun crossing things off of your list of goals for your future, important things like serving a mission and getting married in the temple. As a coping mechanism for your shame, you might be questioning your faith or looking for ways to find fault in what you've always known and accepted to be true. You have started rationalizing.

You may also think there's something fundamentally wrong with you, you are defective, cursed, or must have been 'bad' in the pre-existence. You could lie about your struggles like so many others do and get away with it. However, you have lied before, and it only made things worse. Now you avoid those who will be disappointed and/or judgmental. You catch yourself doing things to get others to leave you alone."

Spencer and I went to a Basketball game and had a lot of fun!

Reading it was difficult for me as it reached into my current pain and depression and also the shame, doubts, and pain I have felt ever since I started realizing I was gay. As we read, it felt like my metaphorical heart was being squeezed and I couldn't breathe. Reading these words brought these feelings to the surface and tears almost started pouring out of my eyes. As we finished the chapter, our Elders Quorum President Minwoo said he wanted us to think about how Satan uses our pain to make us feel discouraged, feel disparaged, or worse. All I could think about was my homosexuality. That, at the moment, was the greatest pain I was dealing with. Minwoo then said we were going to go around the room and talk about what we thought of. He then said we were going to start on my side and I was up first.

Just....great..... Most of the guys present had seen me in my upbeat attitudes about being gay and in the church. They heard me crack so many gay jokes, but could they see this side and still care? Could they actually hear my sorrows and pains and bear my burden with me? Could they show me love about being gay when I know this topic can be very scary and something that sparks fear or anger. I took the plunge and I spoke about my loneliness and feelings of isolation, how growing up gay in the church sucks, and how confused I can feel about my future because there isn't anything fully set and promised for those who are LGBT+ in the eternal scheme about our individual situations. I mentioned how a week before I had seen a member of our church say online that us gay people aren't going to be allowed in the Celestial Kingdom to live with God after we die.

I laid a lot of pain in front of them. Once again the tears threatened to spill. I was in pain but mostly I was nervous. How would they react?

Scott was sitting on my left and he put his hand on my shoulder. Minwoo said as I was talking he could feel the weight and pain. While he can't understand what it's like and feel things like I do, he said it hit him in the heart. They thanked me for sharing.

I was thanked for sharing my pain and anguish of being gay from other ward members.

I moved into the Ranches ward a year ago and I wondered if they would accept me when I came out. At the time I started attending that singles ward, I knew Heavenly Father wanted me to come out, so I wondered how they would react that I was gay and still chose to be a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Apparently I disappointed some women when I came out which makes me chuckle, but little by little, I had more and more people talking with me. They laughed at my jokes, they asked me questions, and they included me. They wanted to spend time with me. As more people moved into the ward or met me, they would soon learn about me and being gay, but they didn't care. They might not have known how to react, but they saw others be okay with it and they realized this wasn't that scary. My bishop and Elders Quorum President at the time, Mike, were amazing and were always open to talking and I loved talking. Granted, I still do love talking about it. It's therapeutic and they don't mind at all.

Trevor got to find out his Myer Briggs personality

Months down the road after coming out I was asked to give a talk about a favorite talk from the October General Conference. In Elder Dale Renlands talk, he talks about choosing who we need to serve. When that talk was given in General Conference, I strongly felt the spirit saying to think of all the blessings I had received because I chose God. It was a big boost for me and I wanted to share that in my talk. I approached my bishop who has always expressed a desire for the Savior to be the focus in all things, but especially in church. I asked him if he was okay for me to talk about being gay. He said he was totally okay with it. He said he trusted me to say what was right. That was huge.

The day came and I had lost my voice the week prior to my talk and I was still recovering. We had Sacrament last and I knew that my voice wasn't even close to being ready for a talk. I asked my bishop for a blessing during Sunday School and he promptly gave me that blessing which was full of love. I am incredibly blessed to have had this man as my bishop and as my friend. When my time came, I got up and while my voice didn't miraculously come back, I was able to give my talk with enough of a voice to share my message. I mentioned about how we all have difficulties and I listed off some of my own. At the end I mentioned how I was a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and I was gay. You could feel the tension. I laugh at it all the time because it felt like they were unsure of what I was going to say next. I told them that I love my Heavenly Father and you could feel the sigh of relief as I continued to bear my testimony.

After sacrament, I had many people thank me for speaking and sharing what I did. One girl ran up to me and hugged me as she sobbed into my shoulder. She told me that she needed to hear me talk that day and thanked me profusely for my talk. People who I had rarely talked to came up to me and thanked me for sharing what I did.

Even after my talk, I still had my doubts.

It was great that they could hear my talk and be grateful for my courage to share what I did, but would they really be able to handle the dark sides too? I talked about hope and blessings. What would they do when they encountered the other part? I've made jokes and talked about being gay openly where people can hear. They can see that' it's okay and that this isn't a scary topic, but they haven't seen the rough sides often, so what would I find in them when they saw that?

I found love.

I found love from so many members of the Ranches YSA. I'm not saying that I've found hate or unkindness from the other members, but I haven't been able to meet everyone. The people I have had the pleasure of interacting with have been so kind and patient as we all try to work through our lives and own difficulties.

Sister Dimond teaching us at FHE

One of my first questions was from a girl I worked with in my calling, Nikki. I told her that I had an LGBTQ+/LDS group that would meet for Family Home Evening every other month so I wouldn't be able to help on those days for our own ward FHE. As we were talking, she asked me, "Is it hard to be part of the church and be gay?" It was so full of sincerity and I could tell she wasn't asking with any guile. I responded that yes it is. I'm not going to say that all of it is hard because it isn't. That fact doesn't negate anything that can be hard though.

I want to brag SO MUCH about my ward. I can't believe that I can say, "I'm the resident gay of the ward" and they don't blink an eye. They nod and say, "Yeah it's true." Bene calls me her boo and makes me laugh more than anyone else in the ward. Kyle listens to me and takes everything I say and express at its face value making me feel valued and important. Brenna calls me her friend and always has the happiest smile accompanied by a hug for me. Straton always accompanies me and we've had many a movie night together. Spencer has been a great ministering brother and loves speaking Spanish with me. Every member of the bishopric is super kind and they even laugh at my jokes! One of the counselors asked me after an FHE activity that I was over if I got the hot chocolate from the closet. I was confused for a second and then realized he was talking about our ward supply closet. I explained I thought he was making a gay joke about getting it from "the closet." He, his wife, and two daughters thought that was pretty funny. These men who are over this ward, while mortal and make mistakes, are amazing and wonderful human beings.

They are a wonderful ward and you can tell they're trying to be better. They have their struggles too and they open up about what they also have to deal with. Every time they do, my love for them grows and we become more connected.

Our ward is growing in its capacity to be vulnerable with each other. We are getting better at understanding that vulnerability with each other creates connection. We are building a safer environment where we are allowed to be imperfect. We are finding joy in the journey and peace in our problems. Our fellow ward members are our equals and we help each other raise our shields against the torrents of life.

You cannot have a Christ-like ward until you have charity and we in the Ranches YSA are working our way there.

At Warriors Council 

The Ranches Young Single Adult ward is 100% full of broken and imperfect vessels. It is 100% full of human beings who make mistakes all the time. There is not one person in our ward who hasn't done something wrong, but we are trying our best to become better. We are learning that we do not want to go fast or go alone. We want to go far by going together.

I wish all wards could be like the Ranches ward. I wish all wards could understand we need each other and that everyone is important. Every single person can create magic and miracles. We can unlock every person's potential if we are all united. I wish all LGBTQ+ people who want to stay in the church could find a ward like mine. I wish they could see that there are people who will love, support, and defend them. They are ready to protect and fight. There are many people who are learning and are willing to listen. There are many good changes in the world and I've found some of them by moving to Eagle Mountain, Utah.

Be like the Ranches YSA. Learn to rise together.

Things you can do as a ward to be like the Ranches for an LGBTQ+ person/member.

Remember this isn't about sides

This isn't a "Gays vs Straights and the Church" kind of thing. This isn't us vs you. This is us working together as a family. This is about being an eternal family and growing together. This kind of discussion has been such a touchy subject that we all have to be careful and kind. Every single human wants love. We want to feel welcome just the same as you do. We are able to learn from you and you are able to learn from us, so we can be different but of the same mind and goals.

Ask sincere questions

I cannot express the level of importance for this. Ask us kind questions that are sincere and honest. Please don't ask us inappropriate things you don't want us asking you. If you don't understand, that's 100% okay, just let us know and have a desire to listen and understand. There are many realms of this subject you might not understand and you have questions. That's great! I love answering good, honest, kind, and sincere questions because it bridges gaps and expands understanding.

Listen

Our stories are hard and we need people who are willing to listen to us and not discount our pain or hardships. We have good things in our stories too! We go through good and bad times like you and need to talk about both as well. Like I said in the last point, we have things to share that can help you understand life and even Heavenly Father more.

Remember the golden rule

We tell kids all the time that just because someone hit you, it doesn't mean you should hit back. Both sides are guilty of being unkind and saying inappropriate things. Both sides have people who haven't been willing to understand the other. I won't say that all LGBTQ+ individuals have been perfect, but neither have church members. You might be tempted to lash out in anger because of a few negative experiences, but remember one member or one missionary does not reflect the entire church and who they are. If you use that reasoning, it needs to go both ways.

Express love for that person to them

We're nervous about all of this too. We've had a lot of bad experiences and we are learning how to fit in. Feeling like someone cares about us makes us feel more at ease. If we feel welcome (like everyone should), we are excited and relieved. Nothing is better than being with those who truly love you.

Please don't shove any doctrine in our faces

We know what the doctrine is. We've heard it all our lives and it's caused a lot of pain and confusion.

In one of my singles wards, there was one girl who damned gays and said we were out to destroy her future marriage. She said that in the family proclamation it says man and woman (which it does), but then would go on and on about how gays were so bad. Yeah......that's not why the Family Proclamation was shared. The gospel has never been shared to be unkind or cruel. I get it, I really really do. I understand what God has said, but mud throwing from anyone isn't going to get us to where we need to be.

Let me love and praise the Savior as my Redeemer. He is my friend, brother, confidant, and Savior. I'm at church to worship and sing praises to his name.

Don't try to fix, but try to understand

I feel that's pretty self explanatory, but don't tell us things like how life will be better after death. That's a no no area. I don't need to find the right girl to be happy. You don't have to find the right girl to be happy. I don't need you worrying about fixing me because of something you don't understand or experience. I do need you doing your best to be kind and maybe while you can't understand exactly how I feel, reflect on how we might feel and how difficult that could be.

Let us love and serve you

We love you! We want to be your friends. We want to see you succeed. We are so happy when something good happens to you. When we are able to serve you, we love you more because that's what happens when we serve each other. Our love grows and we become more like Christ. You deserve love too and we're so ready to give it to you!

Remember that God loves all of His children, and that includes you

You are important. You are amazing. You are special too! We can all be special in our own way and we should be known for our good things, not our bad. I am always constantly reminded of how much I love my friends and how important every single person is. The more we all understand about how important we are and how important everyone else is, we take one more step towards charity which we need or it will be for naught. You are smart. You are amazing. You are more than your difficulties. You are beautiful.