My Experience As a Gay Missionary

My heart was pounding partly from excitement and partly because my legs were trying to move as quickly as they could without leaving my companion or Mama Nico behind. Eyes frantically searching. Then I saw him, my father. He was sitting on a bench in the Mexico City airport like there wasn't a care in the world. He had come to spend time with me in the last few days of one of the greatest experiences of my life.

Soon after this picture, I gave my father his nametag that said "Papa de misionero" or Father of a Missionary

I hadn't seen this man in person for 729 days and I was thrilled to see him after such a long time. Having my father come pick me up was one of many amazing experiences I had on my mission in the Mexico, Mexico City, Northwest Mission. The next few days he got to put names to faces as I introduced him to some of the most wonderful Mexicans in the world. We got to tour the Aztec pyramids together. He got to hear testimonies from people I had the opportunity to teach about the gospel of Jesus Christ. He had the opportunity to be among the greatest humans ever. My favorite part of traveling with my father in my mission was us bearing testimony the last Sunday before coming home. I said mine in Spanish and then translated my father's testimony for the members. It was incredibly special for me to testify of our Savior Jesus Christ together.

My mission is one of the most important things to me, no matter what others think or say. People say things, but they truly do not understand. They guess, assume, and presume. The ability to share your beliefs and invite what brings you happiness to others is amazing. Meeting people you'd more than likely never have met before and seeing them follow their happiness is amazing even if it is not your way. Going to Mexico City, in my opinion, is the best location for a mission, but that's just me.

Mexico City is an absolutely astounding and awe-striking place. It is full of humble and wonderful people. It is also packed. It is extremely overloaded with people. It is in the top 25 cities with the highest population in the world, but it's not very big geographically. In my opinion, most of their food is quite delectable. There are certain foods I never have particularly been interested in like chicken feet, Menudo, or Tripa. Most people I encountered in Mexico City have very outgoing personalities. Some people were introverted and they were just as extraordinary. Many families are incredibly tightly knit and if you can become their friend, you have become their family. They have the biggest hearts. They stand their ground if they feel they are being taken advantage of. They feel that all should work hard together to serve each other. Many had the "all for one and one for all" feeling with their family and choice friends. So many have a desire to follow God and to praise him. I was so lucky to be called to serve specifically them for two years.

People have asked me questions about how it was to be gay on a mission. The main two reasons are 1) how do you teach and invite people to accept the teachings of God when the teachings feel like they are against you and 2) because I'm around another man for 24 hours in a day, 7 days of a week for 2 whole years.

Missions give you many opportunities to build a stronger relationship with the Holy Ghost, our Savior, and our Heavenly Father. You get to build relationships with people who you didn't know before and with people you already know. You get to learn a lot about yourself including your strengths and weaknesses.

My MTC district, (Left to right) Elders Watts, Welch, Larson, Deem, Steele, Peterson, Jones, and Barton

I don't understand the need to question how a gay missionary's experience was with their sexuality. Sexual temptations do not only happen to gay people. Sexual temptations do not only happen to men. To say that someone is protected from temptations or even the likelihood of sinning is lessened because they are not a specific gender or even because of their sexual preference is to say that others have no need to be tested. It is to say they are above sin and are stronger. One person is not exempt from one kind of temptation. To get this over with, I will tell you. It was the same as ever. It was hard at times and easy in others. Just like a straight person.  Surprise!

Heavenly Father used me being gay to help me be more compassionate. He helped stem my pride. He taught me that not everyone may be kind to me, but it should encourage me to be kind to all. You do not have to spend time with people who are oppressive but for the bettering of the world, you also do not need to be cruel. Some missionaries in my mission were homophobic which definitely strengthened the idea of staying in the closet. Some of the missionaries were some of the kindest men and women I met in those two years. One missionary who I always looked up to was Elder Lamb. He was a Zone Leader and he led by example. Things he taught me about teaching and the gospel have helped me in my life and I am eternally grateful.

Elder Pike ready for Christmas

I had some amazing companions who taught me many things. I had great opportunities with them to work together and help brothers and sisters not only learn about the gospel of Jesus Christ, but also accept invitations to follow our Saviors example and to join His church. We definitely had fun times as well as spiritual times.

Elder Layton and I in the La Laguna ward

I got to meet many people. Some of them were empathetic and kind. Some were doubtful of our intentions. Some of them were unkind. Some of them were discriminatory. Some of them bought food and water for us, but wouldn't say why. Walking down the street and having many people wave at us or hear a member yell, "Elders!" was not uncommon.  I got yelled at multiple times for the racism that is in the United States. I also got talked to about how wonderful the people in the United States are. I got spit on. I got hugged. I got sworn at. I got praised.

I got asked by a woman if she could take my eyes out and keep them forever. Yeah. Weird people aren't only in Utah.

One of the most precious gems in this world lives in Mexico City. Her name is Mama Nico. There aren't many people who can have my heartstrings tugged at just by thinking of them but she is definitely one of them. Mama Nico is the mother of a woman I baptized. I remember the first time I called her Mama Nico instead of "Hermana." She quietly whispered to Ana pointing out that my name for her had changed. She was extra happy that visit. She always made sure we had food in our stomachs, our clothes were clean, and people treated us right. She made sure there were no doubts that not only were we loved, but that we were loved by her. We weren't just missionaries in her home. We were home. We were with our Mama and she made sure we knew it. She expressed such passion in believing in God and how he helps us. She made sure her opinions were heard and she rarely budged. I think about her daily and my heart aches that I don't get to go see her for her big bear hugs whenever I want.

English Classes with Elders Disego, Ware, Echeverria, Barben, Steele, and Nogueda.

Another angel I met is Melanie. She was the daughter of a less-active member who had left the church years ago. I had met the mother once before months prior and she wasn't exactly kind to us. This time around (4ish months later and with a new companion), Melanie asked her mother if we could come in. She was reluctant, but we were let in to teach. Melanie was an incredibly bright girl and learned faster than most adults we taught. She loved the way we remembered the 10 commandments with our fingers so she memorized them in one night and taught them to her extended family. The extended family was a mix of different faiths and were happy she was taking religious classes. They also invited her to their churches, but she politely declined saying she was going to "the Mormon church." After about a month of teaching sweet Melanie and her mother, we could see significant changes in their lives. The mother seemed happier with less of a weight on her shoulders. One day as Elder Layton and I sat down on their couch, Melanie's mother said she wanted to talk to us. We glanced at each other, slightly apprehensive of what she was going to say. She told us that after the first time we taught a lesson and left, Melanie turned to her mother as they watched us walk away and asked, "Mama, why do the Elders have wings?" Her mother looked at us and said she didn't see anything. Melanie insisted that she could see a glow around us and bright beautiful wings on our backs. Tears ran down our cheeks as her mother continued to tell us that after we walked out of sight, Melanie rushed into their living room and was twirling around. "Mommy!" she exclaimed, "The room smells like flowers!" She didn't believe Melanie at first, but she testified to us that every single time we left, the house smelled like roses. I was transferred to a different area before Melanie got baptized. I will always remember her words. I was an angel to that girl and she was an angel to me. 

At the Aztec pyramids sitting on the Pyramid of the sun looking at the Pyramid of the moon.

Years later, I was sitting in ward council on a Sunday morning in Lehi Utah and I looked at my phone to check the time. I quickly stepped out and went down to the Stake Presidents office for an interview. President Rob Elzey met with me and asked me to be the Elders Quorum President for the American Fork YSA 2nd ward. I had been released as the 1st counselor almost 7 months prior to an amazing President Tyler Brown and I thought there was some mistake that I was picked, but I accepted. President Elzey testified to me of the amazing power of leading from the back of the group to make sure not one person was lost.

I walked outside and instantly called my father. I told him that I had been called as the EQP. He said, "That's great Dallin!" Tears flowed down my eyes as I doubted that I could even come close to doing a good job. I started sobbing and I think realization washed over my father that I was scared. He said the most precious words he has repeated multiple times to me throughout my life. He said, "God bless you Dallin." I sobbed some more and he consoled me telling me that I would do a wonderful job. I still had my doubts.

Finally home next to my mother

How could a gay man lead an elders quorum? How could he make a difference in the lives of straight men? I wasn't good enough to be an Elders Quorum President.

Over a year later, I was still the president and my second counselor Josh and I were visiting brothers in our ward. We were able to chat a little bit with one who I'd never seen before. I didn't know him and I didn't know about his activity in the church as some people go to their home wards for whatever reason they so desire (which is okay). He was a very shy person and didn't talk much. He came a few times to the ward after our visit. I greeted him but could tell he was still not ready to be too social. So I would smile, tell him it was good to see him, pat his shoulder, and then walk away. He kept coming and sometime afterwards, we as an EQ presidency had prayed on who should be our new secretary. It was him. I asked if he and I could meet and I then proceeded to ask him to be my secretary. The exact look of fear I am sure President Elzey saw in my face were clear to me in this young man's eyes, but he instantly said yes. I said that was great and then his face faltered. He looked at me and said, "I haven't had a calling before. I don't know what to do." I smiled and informed him that I would help him. He excelled in his calling. Later on, he found a girl in another ward and started dating her. Our singles ward was made up of singles from two home stakes in it. We were split up to be combined with other wards and I didn't get to see too much of him after that. He kept dating his girlfriend, they later got sealed in the temple and they now have a beautiful daughter. 

Later on, I was released as EQP and then immediately called as an Executive Secretary. They didn't let me get a moments peace (it makes me laugh all the time). After a while in my new calling, a girl in my ward texted me and asked me for a blessing. She'd reached out to me a few times prior to find out about activities. She said she didn't know her home teachers (Yep, I was alive during the era of home teaching) and she didn't know many men in the ward. She expressed the desire for a blessing of guidance. I gave her a blessing and as I conveyed the words the Holy Ghost wanted me to, I felt a surge of love from Heavenly Father towards her. I knew that my hands were on the head of an angel and an excellent representative of our brother Jesus Christ. Tears flowed down both of our eyes during the blessing. When I had finished, she expressed gratitude that she could trust me and know that I was a man who held the priesthood worthily. 

I think anyone and everyone can have such experiences that helps others in their lives. I just happened to be that president. I happened to be the man in that ward. I wish people didn't think that the mission stops or that they have to have the most amazing spiritual expreiences. I wish they would realize we are always on a mission and there are always people to serve.  There are people who are supposed to serve you. Missions don't only have to be when you're wearing a name tag and consistently in Sunday clothing. One of my MTC teachers Hermano Michael Eraso said, "If your mission is the best two years of your life, you did it wrong." He taught my amazing district that the years after should only add to the greatness of those two years of being a full-time missionary. Serving and loving should not stop when you step off the plane.  

With Steve, Josh, and Cambri at Bdubs (Buffalo Wild Wings) after almost a year of not seeing each other.

What is my experience as a gay missionary?

I continue learning that God loves me regardless of anything in my life and it's exactly the same for all humanity. God has shown and taught me that I need to do the same. Our Heavenly Father has many people for us to love and He has given me plenty of them. He has many people for us to teach. He has many people to teach and love us. A way that we can help others is by receiving help ourselves. True loving relationships come from serving each other. We can use our own experiences, even our own vices or struggles to help others feel they are not alone. God has used my struggles to help others.

My mission didn't stop. It didn't start on February 15th when I was set apart the night before entering the Missionary Training Center in Provo, Utah. If you haven't had the opportunity to serve as a full-time missionary, if you didn't have that opportunity, or even if you won't have it, it doesn't matter. God does not care if you've served a full-time mission or not. God does not care if you were an assistant on the mission. God doesn't care if you made mistakes or had an uncontrollable mental and/or physical condition that prevented you from being able to serve. You are still worthy of bringing everlasting peace to others. You are needed. Where you are is where you need to be. Where you need to be, there is work to be done. Where there is work to be done, there are miracles to be brought about. Help me bring miracles to the world in your own way.

Whether you're gay or not, tall, average height, or short, cute or cute (because every one of you is beautiful), Mormon or not,  blue-eyed or brown-eyed (or whatever color your eyes are), whether you like apple juice, orange juice, both or neither, it doesn't matter. You are needed. You are wanted. You are loved.

Whatever your situation is, you can make the world a better place. That is what I am trying to do as a gay missionary.

On a Scale of 1-10, How Much Does It Hurt?

Recently, a friend of mine reached out and asked if we could talk. This friend is also gay and Mormon but they are not out like I am. They told me they needed to talk to someone and were sick of trying. I didn't need any explanation to understand what they meant. We went on a drive and talked for about an hour. During our conversation we talked about a variety of things. Most of the conversation was about the gay and Mormon experience and how it's so hard. It is especially hard because we are trying to live the way we know we should, yet there are so many unkind comments from people, including those in the church, that are words not welcomed by the Savior. We both acknowledged that they just didn't understand and we wished they could understand the pain of what we have to go through day after day.

This year in Sunday School we have been reading and discussing the Old Testament. One Sunday, we were discussing the story of Abraham and Isaac. For those who aren't familiar with it, Abraham and his wife Sarah were very old and didn't have any children. They were told by men of God that they would have a son. Abraham and Sarah didn't quite believe it because of their age, but Isaac came and they loved him so. Abraham was a prophet and while communicating with God one day, he was told he needed to sacrifice his son like a lamb. They had waited so long and had prayed endless hours for a child, but now they weren't just told that he would be taken away to serve the Lord on earth. He wasn't being sent to start his own family. They were told he would have to die, and not just die but the death would come from the hands of his own father. It sounds really hard and even traumatizing right? Spoilers: Isaac doesn't die.

If you want to read the rest of the story and see what happens, click Here

When I was listening to the teacher as we shared this story, a phrase came to my mind. "What is your Isaac?" One of these days I really want that as something to hang in my home. What is your Isaac? What is so precious to you but you are willing to give it up to follow an all-knowing God who has the greatest wishes and a perfect plan for you?

Morgan and I went to Jurassic World 2 and loved it!

Religious aspects aside, the thing I desire most is to have a husband and children. It's weird for me to actually type it out, but it's the truth! Late last year I got sucked into YouTube one night and was watching animal movies (I was that nerd kid who adored the TV show "Nature"). While I had been watching a video of an African safari and tourist were watching Cheetahs, I saw a clip that said, "I Let My Husband and Son Shave My Head." I hesitated, then clicked, and watched it. The men, Matt Dallas (who is the main character of the TV show Kyle XY) and his husband Blue Hamilton, have a whole YouTube channel. They include their son, Crow, in almost every single video they have made since they adopted him. I watched video after video of this small family. Crow looks so happy. They look so happy. They are happy. That night was an incredibly difficult night for me. They were living my earthly dream. It was a night that I stayed up very late and many tears were shed until I fell asleep.

I wish people could feel my sorrow. I wish they could have a glimpse at the confusion I feel and desires that I have to stem EVERY SINGLE DAY so that I am focused on my Savior. I wish they could see how their words, sometimes even well-intended, can cause pain and frustration. 

After having publicly come out, a friend approached me and said, "Dallin, I have this great idea for you." I was not exactly excited for this idea, but I smiled and asked what it was. This friend then proceeded to tell me that I should be straight just for ONE day so I could marry *girl who is a mutual friend*. In that moment, I felt years of painful memories heavily dropped onto my shoulders and heart. How could they not realize that I couldn't choose to be gay or straight. How could they not understand what I've had to go through to see how horrible that was to say to me. Most people don't realize how in my early teen years I realized what the attractions meant and I prayed to God saying, "Please don't make me gay. Please please please just make me attracted to girls. I don't know what's wrong with me." I again repeated those prayers in my mid-teen years when I heard another young man exclaim, "It's so great to be straight! I'd hate being gay." I went home and just lay on my bed in utter silence while my mind endlessly repeated his words louder and louder. There were many nights I lay awake trying to figure out what I could do. During Junior High and High School, my best friend would pull out our yearbooks and ask which girl I liked. I panicked every time and tried to end the conversation quickly. I asked out wonderful women to dances throughout High School and they kindly obliged to go with me. In every date I have been on, all I could feel was, "I'm lying to this girl and I know that if we continue, I'm going to break her heart." All potential relationships never progressed because of that screaming voice in my head saying, "When she finds out, you're going to lose her because she won't want a gay man as a husband."

One of my favorite pictures of my Savior. It's name is "Gentle Healer"

Years back, a friend and I decided to drive to St. George for a mutual friend's wedding reception. On our way, gay people came up as a subject and he expressed some frustration at them. He said to me, "Why can't the gays go be gay somewhere else?" My heart felt it had been stabbed. I didn't know where I could go to "be gay" if that didn't involve living in the church and loving God wherever I was. I had hoped this friend would have been more understanding, but at the time, he wasn't.

Every single day, I see and hear small reminders of something I probably won't get in this life. I am not closing off my future of what could happen, but as of right now, marriage is a subject that I have discussed with Heavenly Father many times and as of now, isn't in my near future. When I see a couple (gay or not) together, I have an inner sigh of sadness whether consciously or not.

What am I not getting? I don't get to grow old holding hands with the love of my life. I don't get to sit next to my husband and fight about what TV show we're going to watch on netflix or start a pillow fight because he kept watching and didn't wait for me. I don't get to make him dinner and surprise him with a special night at home. I don't get to plan a secret trip for us to go to California to the beach and Disneyland. I don't get to hold him while he cries because his day was hard or someone said something hurtful. I don't get to have fun bickering in the grocery store about how he is actually the better half. I don't get to say an absolutely amazing pun and laugh as he rolls his eyes for the 10th time that day. I don't get to look back after 30+ years of marriage and sit in awe about how we got through the hard times together and realize the fights over who had to clean the bathroom were pointless. I don't get to hear our children call him daddy and run to him with big hugs as he walks in from work. I don't get to see him lovingly put a band-aid on their knee because they fell on the concrete and give them a kiss all better. I don't get to see him reading bedtime stories and teaching our children to use their imagination. I don't get to see him teach teenagers how to drive cars while freaking out he's about to die. There will be no first dates of kids making sure they're home on time and going out with others who will respect them. There will be no teaching as parents that they need to be kind and loving to all people when we find out our children been cruel to others. I won't get to finally let the youngest child leave for college and be crying my eyes out while he holds me telling me I did a wonderful job raising them. I don't get that one person to tell all my insecurities to and still have them love me anyways. There will be no slow dancing to music with him that makes me cry, sing, or laugh. I don't get to rest my head on his shoulders and sigh knowing everything will be okay because I have him and he has me.

On a scale of 1-10, how much do you think it hurts? Some days, it's at the full 10 if it doesn't feel like an 11. It's heartbreaking, isn't it? This is what I wish people understood of my story. This isn't easy. There are so many people who want this and all we can hear from so many is "You don't deserve it because my beliefs are different." Some people do get to have what I want, but my pathway isn't going that way. I am choosing something I love with all my heart over something that is almost as significant and important to me. I am denying a part of me that is NOT a choice (If you question that, you can read the Church's stance Here) and people still try to criticize and change. I have cried many nights because I have no idea why I have to go through this, but others act like I chose it, so therefore I must be berated.

Why does this have to be my Isaac?

The answer: I don't know.

What do I know?

I know there is not only a God, but there is a Heavenly Father who knows all and loves all. I know personally that He loves me, watches over me, and that I am His son. I have heard his words and I have felt the truth. I know I love him more than myself and anything else in the world. I know there is life after death. I know the Book of Mormon is true and was translated by Joseph Smith Jr.

Do you want to know why I'm choosing this life? You can read my blog post "Why I Choose To Be Mormon When I Didn't Choose To Be Gay"

Facetiming David while he was in Switzerland

All I want from this post is that you will have some kind of understanding of one persons (my) pain. I cannot speak for others and what they are going through, have gone through, or even what they WILL go through. If you can understand my pain to the tiniest amount, maybe then you might understand why certain things must be left unsaid. Certain feelings, prejudices, and presumptions will be dropped. When I have taken time to learn from others and see their pain in the best way that I can even come close to understanding, I have felt a greater capacity of love than I felt before. Those experiences have taught me how to be more charitable and Christ-like. The prophet Moroni talks about charity.

In Moroni 7, we read,

44 If so, his faith and hope is vain, for none is acceptablebefore God, save the meek and lowly in heart; and if a man be meek and lowly in heart, and confesses by the power of the Holy Ghost that Jesus is the Christ, he must needs have charity; for if he have not charity he is nothing; wherefore he must needs have charity.

45 And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

46 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, if ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth. Wherefore, cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail.

What will you do to try to be more understanding? Will it take reading of a post of a vulnerable and imperfect man who is gay and chooses to be Mormon? What will it take for love and understanding to be in your heart? What will finally halt your unkind and cruel thoughts being typed out on the internet or words spoken filled with spite solely to prove your point?

Can the love of God not do greater good than man's hate-filled heart which is full of misunderstanding? Don't you want more joy and love to be abound upon the Earth?

I know I do. I know that together we can make that happen. All we have to do is truly listen and truly learn. Then we will feel of His love at a greater level and become a greater and more empowered people in Zion to do His will.