This Isn't About Me

The FHE activity was a success! The murder mystery was complete, the culprit was caught by some of the teams, the food was eaten, and the cleaning up had started. Everyone had had a really great time and I'd been told by multiple people they were glad they came. After about 2 hours of making everything perfect, all we had to do was clean up and then go home. I grabbed the plates, utensils, and napkins. I asked my FHE Co-chair Nicki where she wanted me to put all the items I was holding.

"Let's see if we can get Alexis to open up the closet for us." She said.

I responded saying, "Oooooh, I don't do well with closets, I just came out of one in April."

Nicki and my other friend Bene who was right behind me started laughing. Others around us looked like they weren't sure what to do but then started laughing as well. I felt incredibly successful that not only had my joke been laughed at, but it was a gay joke that had been laughed at.

If you know me, I love jokes. I love to make others laugh and feel some kind of relief from the stress of life. I love to make people feel like there is really happiness in the world even if the world doesn't seem happy right now. Even if it's to the extent of getting eye rolls at how bad my dad joke is, you could say I'm a faux pa since I have no kids, it's worth it for me. More and more since coming out I try to find more opportunities to make appropriate gay jokes especially around my straight friends and some of them wonder why I have to crack so many jokes.

It's for one of my communities.

It's not specifically for me. It's for them. It's for us.

If you want gay people to stop talking about so many gay things, then you need to stop talking about all the straight things. That includes straight people finding relationships, straight marriage, straight dates, straight hand-holding, straight spouses, straight plans for the weekend, straight guy and girl jokes, straight movies, straight tv shows, and more. If you think that yours should be allowed and mine shouldn't because it's "too much," then you're saying to me that you are used to everything being heterosexual and you don't want to make room for me and what is part of my life.

My roommate decorating for Christmas before Thanksgiving was done. Scandalous I know, but I'm glad he did.

Normalizing homosexuality in heterosexual environments hasn't actually been as difficult as I imagined. Granted the environments I am in are usually quite accepting of me being gay, which does make it easier. I've been trying to get rid of taboos on certain subjects so people can talk freely while being encouraged to have discussions where both parties are considerate of the other's feelings and be willing to listen to the other person's side. I have understood and seen how even in such discussions, the two parties (sometimes myself included) separate without having come to the same conclusion or way of thinking which is destined to happen and it is normal. There have been occasions where civility is lacking at an incredible amount and hurtful things are said on both sides. I will agree there have been horrible things from both sides. However in many instances, I have seen more negativity pointed towards those of the LGBT+ community. When unkind words are returned to the first perpetrator and the first to punch gets mad there were comments returned, I think of a beaten dog. You can't hit a dog so many times and get angry when it bites back acting as you have done nothing wrong.

There is a taboo label on the discussion of homosexuality especially in Utah among members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. It's a sensitive topic that seems to be on fire and if you try to approach, you'll get burned. People are quite nervous because they don't know how to ask what they don't understand with sincerity but without being offensive. It's a scary idea because of past experiences or passed on experiences. I get it.

I'm scared too.

I live in both worlds and I am scared too.

My heart always beats at the pace of what feels like a million miles an hour any time I open up and tell people that I'm gay. I've been out for 7 months and it still gets my heart racing. I have no idea what to expect from others because everyone is so different. I brace myself and hold my breath hoping I'm not about to be told that I am disgusting or even worse. Believe me, there is much worse that is still currently said about us from even those who call themselves loving and charitable Christians. Any time it's another male, I wonder if he will be like the rare few in the news who beat up gay men just for the fact that they are gay.

My parents and I on Thanksgiving

My mind is always screaming at me to not "do too much" because it could upset people that I'm always talking about being gay (as if it wasn't such a big part of my life). I feel that sometimes I can get ambitious about sharing, joking, talking, and asking questions that open up about me being gay, but I always remind myself, this isn't about me. This isn't just for me. It's for them. It's for the quiet and closeted people in and out of the church who are scared of the world and what it has offered us. It's so they have an opportunity to see that someone is willing to talk about it and there are people who, while not LGBT+, are okay with it and laugh at the jokes. Sure, in the end it does help me out because I am gay and it's making it more normal, but it's never been about me.

It's for the girl who I have never met and we talked on the phone for 45 minutes while she cried because while she likes both men and women, she has only fallen in love with women. She wants to do what she knows is right but she doesn't know how to balance what she believes and what she feels.

It's for the boy whose heart is broken because he wishes his parents would love him as he is and not try to fix what they feel needs to be fixed.

It's for the older generation of LGBT+ to see that the younger ones are changing the way of thinking and the manner of being so they don't have to be as defensive anymore as they have had to be because we are moving towards a safer world.

It's for my friend who said he's only out to a handful of people that he is bi and it's a confusing and hard life, but he feels comfortable and safe around me.

It's for those who will ask in anonymous Q&A's like one my stake recently had and they asked about how to be more inclusive to the LGBTQ+ community. It might have been a cry for help or just a question. I don't know if it was a straight person asking for themselves because they don't know how or a closeted person asking the visiting 70 that night so they could maybe feel a bit more loved. They did get that loving answer from him. I needed that answer too. He, Elder J. Devn Cornish, said that this subject calls for all the compassion in the world.

All the compassion in the world is what my goal is for them. I want the many experiences I've had hearing, "Okay" as the response for them too if they ever decide to come out to someone or to everyone. I want them to hear how much they are loved and this changes nothing. I want them to hear how much they are wanted and desired.

To achieve this goal, however, there are many obstacles to go over, under, around, and sometimes through. That is really intimidating to me. As my bishop said, I'm trying to help plow a path not many have taken. It's really scary, hard, and even burdensome sometimes. I don't always feel like continuing. I sometimes feel that I wish I'd never come out because the burden of being an example (by choice or not) can be rough. I feel that I'm tired and I can't move the mountain as good as others could, so I should just step back.

Then I remember.

I remember my loved ones as I came out to them. I remember the comments I received as I opened up my heart and soul to them with all the vulnerability possible.

"Well, my friends say it's really great to have a gay friend."

"What? Why do they say that?"

"Well, they said you can talk about cute guys together."

I remember Krista telling me that as we sat in my car outside her house. She's my best friend's younger sister and our relationship has always been important to me. It was probably the first thing she'd said to me after I came out to her and it was probably the most important. With that sentence, she communicated that she was okay with me being gay and the relief off my shoulders was phenomenal. I want that to be something others hear when they open up. I want them to hear from their friends that they're glad they were told and that they still mean the world to them. I want them to see that their relationships with their family and friends aren't going to change for the worse, but for the better.

I remember it's for them. When I remember them, I am given strength to keep on going.

It's for you. It might take one person a while to move the mountain to build the easier path, but with many people doing it on all sides, even if we aren't connected, we will eventually break it down and then move on to the next mountain with more people who are able to help.

I'm being me with an extra effort to let others see who I am in authenticity so they can feel calmer and more at peace that this isn't a scary subject we never talk about. This is just a part of life.

The Velveteen Rabbit and the Skin Horse

This quote is from the Velveteen Rabbit.
"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long long time, not just to play with, but really loves you, then you became Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real, you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out, and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real, you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

I want to get to a world where everyone is as Real as the Skin Horse says. Where nobody is ugly because everyone understands. Is that ambitious and potentially impossible? Yes.

But are you worth it? Are we all worth it?

The answer is also yes, so I do it anyways.

Being Gay Isn't A Light Switch Experience

"It isn't something you can turn on or off like a light switch." My friend said that as we talked about how I'd been told I just need to find the right girl and how I should just be straight. As she said those words, they reminded me how much some people really just don't understand what they are saying and how it can affect other people. More often than not, people really do have the best intentions. However, in trying to give hope and encouragement, there are often times I am told something that is actually quite insensitive and without thought on what it means to me.

You're going to be made straight after dying.

I was in the backseat of a car with my friend and their parents as we were headed to a concert. I was telling my friend about my blog and the really positive responses that I'd been receiving. Soon enough, the parent's jumped into the conversation and I explained about my blog to them in more depth and detail as they hadn't heard any of this from me before. As our conversation continued, I was asked about my feelings of what is going to happen in the afterlife to me. Do you think you'll be changed to be straight? I tried to express my feelings about how I don't know and that nobody knows. If the leaders of the church know, they haven't said anything either so as of right now, there has been no revelation from God on what exactly will happen.

For my best friend's birthday, we visited his brothers grave. It's one of the reasons I'm excited for the afterlife.

As I tried to explain about what my thoughts were, I got responses of saying why wouldn't I believe that and how someone they know who is gay and also a member of the church believes that. I listened with a heavy heart as the mother told me that it was her belief that I would be changed to be straight so I could be perfect. As I listened, I looked out the window and a certain phrase popped in my head once again.

I really wish I was dead. I'm not suicidal, but I really wish I was dead.

At that moment, my friend asked, "Dallin, are you okay?" quietly enough so his parents couldn't hear. I looked over at my friend and nodded yes because now I was when seconds prior I was feeling sad.

Please don't use the afterlife and presumed knowledge of what is going to happen to give us comfort to fight the good fight. It doesn't encourage us to keep fighting. It is a very depressing moment for us because it is saying that whenever we die, we will be straight and don't have to feel these horrible feelings anymore that we have been told are not part of God's plan. You might not think that this is a suicidal suggestion, but I can promise you that it really is. I have heard dozens of remarks from men and women about being told "everything will be fixed" in the afterlife and how it makes them feel they would rather be dead than alive. I attended a presentation given by a straight man who was once a bishop over young single adults on how you can be a good member of the church and still love LGBT+ people. With him there was a BYU student who is gay and this student said that this statement lead him to say, "I would rather be dead and straight than alive and gay."

Telling us that death has the answer to the end of our suffering is a dangerous game. I would never tell someone dealing with Multiple Sclerosis that if they just quit now and kill themselves, it's going to be better in the next life. Maybe that's not the exact words you use, but the meaning sounds the same.

It's exactly the same as single women who don't get married. It's all about the law of chastity!

No. It is not exactly the same and let me explain why.

A single woman is, more often than not, looking for her future husband even when the chances seem slim and not very desirable. They can continue on with the smallest amount of hope that maybe one day in this life they will find their prince charming. My hope is that I don't find a prince charming.

We have been promised in the afterlife that if we can't get married here, we will be able to be married there. While that is not encouraging to say to sisters either, they are going to get what they want. They get to find the husband of their dreams and he will be perfect! Quite literally, everything will be perfect if we keep pushing forward.

I however, have been told that I do not get what I want. I want to marry a man, but everyone tells me that I'm going to change so then I can be straight and I'll marry a woman. Women are beautiful, amazing, and exemplary humans. The natural abilities that they have, though vast and different, are spectacular. I, however, I am not attracted to them and it's difficult to hear that I am going to be changed. It is a statement that can make me, as well as other LGBT+ people, feel broken. We aren't broken and we weren't cast off to the side to suffer in misery of wanting a partner but not being able to have one. The church leadership says we didn't choose to be gay, so we can't claim that the feelings alone are a choice.

I do not want to downplay the sisters pain at all. Their pain is valid, real, and difficult and any kind of mockery or "fixing" comments are not helpful nor encouraging. I, however, am not equipped to speak for them.

I understand where you are coming from but I would hope you understand they are not the same nor can they be compared in a congruent manner.

Gays are trying to ruin our marriages!

"In God's eternal plan, salvation is a personal matter; exaltation is a family matter."

Those were the words of our dear prophet Russell M. Nelson. It speaks to me on different levels. The actions of those outside of a marriage, or out of our own personal choice in our lives, cannot make the final decision of the direction of our life. Those inside the marriage, or their personal lives, are the ones who choose what will happen with their own future and salvation.

"Gays are trying to ruin our marriages!" Once again, the same voice shrieked out in my ward's sunday school class. This girl brought up the family proclamation every single week in sunday school. In every week, she would also accuse all gays of trying to ruin straight people's marriages. All the while I sat there on my seat as a closeted gay man who had been celebrating every heterosexual wedding and marriage as long as the relationships were wholesome and good. I wanted to stand up and yell at how we are not out to ruin your marriages, but I was still in the closet and couldn't risk everyone finding out, especially in that way.

At the Scarlet Pimpernel with Kjirsten at the Hale Center Theater. We loved it!

I get it! God has said man and woman, husband and wife. However, like President Nelson said,  salvation is a personal matter. If your marriage isn't working or there are problems, we gay people really aren't to blame. I don't hear anyone screaming out about abuse to children or to spouses. Nobody is constantly pointing out that abuse, pornography, adultery, and more are destroying marriages heterosexual and homosexual. To so many people, however, their focus is on how gays specifically are doing their best to ruin marriages.

Some people are referring to the institution and sanctity of marriage which again, I understand. My opinion on gay marriage is that it isn't hurting anyone specifically like abuse so I see no reason on why it shouldn't be allowed. Everyone has the right to their own agency and preventing people from making such choices sounds like a certain brother of ours who wanted to control all and gain all the glory possible. There are many things that others do that are harmful to others, but a homosexual wedding can't affect your marriage directly.

The result of a marriage is between the two people in that marriage. The destruction of a marriage is a sad thing to see. Sometimes it is necessary for separation and I understand that. I don't understand on a personal level, but I have seen multiple marriages end up splitting because of one or both spouses are doing things that are not okay.

I promise you I will go to your straight weddings! I will take pictures. I will make jokes. I will take selfies with you. I will celebrate your marriage and wish you as much hope and happiness as I can muster. Your marriages are important to me because I know how important it is to have that one by your side who will always love you forever.

You just have to find the right girl and everything will be fixed.

Every time someone says this to me, I want to say, "Well you just need to find the right guy/girl (whichever one they are) and it will be great!"

Whenever I have responded with that statement, I have gotten some weird looks. Huh. Funny how that works isn't it?

No, I don't have to "find the right girl." I know of SO MANY marriages where the husband or wife is homosexual and their partner is heterosexual where in the end it doesn't end up working out. Like I said in my last point, the ending of any marriage is a sad event and these are not an exception. It is very discouraging to see and I look at it thinking would I really go into a marriage with a woman knowing that maybe one day one or both of us will end up not satisfied and it causes a rift between us?

With Callie and Katie after Katie's (one of my bff's) sealing.

It was once suggested me that I should just try sex with a woman because maybe that way it might make more sense and I wouldn't want to be gay anymore. I, along with this guys girlfriend and another friend, just looked at him in utter disbelief. One, breaking the law of chastity isn't a good idea. Second, like I just said I'm not going to get married to a woman just to have sexual relations with her to find out that it didn't change a thing.

In many cases it is about finding the "right person" even though I don't think that there are soul mates and you are only able to be with them. I feel that we are compatible with some people as a spouse and not compatible with others. It's not a bad thing. It's just the way that it is. Marriage alone is a scary thing because of all the horror stories we have heard and continue to hear. Whatever your situation, marriage isn't something we expect to be 100% pure bliss and happiness.

Me being gay means I am not attracted to women and it isn't about just "finding the right girl." Yes, I know of mixed-orientation marriages (a marriage between partners of different sexual orientations) and they are working well. That's great for them, but each path is so different that you aren't able to fully compare and say, "Well they did it so you are able to as well."


Being gay isn't something I can just turn on or off. It isn't a light switch experience.

What can we do better to be sensitive to others and their trials?

I recently bought the movie, "The Help." Quick synopsis of the movie is a Southern Society girl Skeeter returns from college to her home in Mississippi in the 1960's with the hopes of being a writer. She turns her small town on its ear by choosing to interview the black women who have spent their lives taking care of prominent white families. Only Aibileen, the housekeeper of Skeeter's best friend, will talk at first. But as the pair continue the collaboration, more women decide to come forward, and as it turns out, they have quite a lot to say.

The movie is a blatant show of deep and disgusting racism and discrimination back in the 1960's. As part of the movie, Aibileen's voice can be heard in the movie and she said something quite profound to me.

"No one had ever asked me what it felt like to be me. Once I told the truth about that, I felt free."

Emily heard I was sick and brought me Halloween cupcakes! They were #delish

I feel the same about coming out and being out having the opportunity to be a more authentic Dallin Steele. I feel free. Whatever constraints or limits people have tried to put on me even after coming out, I feel free.

Ever since watching that movie for the fifth time and hearing that declaration of freedom again, I have made an extra effort to ask a specific question when someone opens up about something that seems difficult. I ask, "Is that hard for you?" with as much sincerity as possible. Every single time, I feel a heart opened up and they have said yes. That word is usually accompanied with tears and a moment of silence. I try not to presume that what I say is going to be the best for the person in front of me whether online or in person.

Take time to ask people what they think and listen. You may not agree, but one's trials are a reality to them. Their feelings are real. We as human beings are desperate for consolation and comfort, so instead of presuming and trying to fix each other with words, let us do it with listening, learning, and loving.