Finding My Space Of Belonging- My First Year Being Out

"Because being gay is a sin just like smoking cigarettes."

As that comment was made in Sunday School, almost an entire year flashed before my eyes.

I remembered that very moment Heavenly Father responded. I remember where I was on the road as I drove to David's Institute performance. I remember the entire shock go through my body and soul at the recognition of an answer. It was only then that I wondered if I should have kept my mouth shut and not have asked Heavenly Father once again when he wanted me to come out. I still remember the handful of people I texted saying that I was coming out that night and how most gave full support and love.

I remember that despite my fears and anxiety, there was a calming and strengthening presence in my heart and at my side. The spirit does miraculous things.

Classy is the best snuggle buddy around.

After getting home from the institute performance, I wrote what I wanted to share. What I thought I would share was a lot longer than what I actually posted. It had previously included frustration and some bitterness. I trashed the original post and rewrote it. It wasn't good or helpful. I had seen enough anger in the world and I didn't need more or want to add to it. I finally typed up what I really wanted to write. Before I shared my post on Facebook, I knew I wanted to come out to one more person. I called him, but he didn't answer. A few minutes later I called again and I knew if he didn't answer, he'd just have to find out later. He answered this time and after coming out and discussing some things, he told me that he wasn't even going to answer the second call, but had a prompting that he should. It was another blessing that showed me I was on the right path. With that last person in my corner, I posted the biggest secret of my life. It is the most vulnerable and scariest post I have ever made. With Heavenly Father on my side holding my hand, I opened myself to everyone about who I am. I stepped into the light.

I stepped into a new world.

There have been things I have learned in the last year that have affected me greatly.

1) There are more LGBTQ+ people who are also members of The Church of Jesus Christ than I could have ever imagined. My eyes were opened more to all in my rainbow community, but there were more people than I expected who are choosing to stay and that was a comfort. I felt like Tarzan and I finally found the strangers like me after living among those who, while similar, could never fully understand my life. I almost felt torn between the two essential parts of my life until I let go of the feeling that I had to decide between both. I realized I could participate in both worlds and be happy. I could make my own space and be happy there even if others found their happiness elsewhere. Others who had gone before me had taken many paths and I was able to see that I could choose whatever I wanted. I still can. Those of us LGBTQ+ in the church are a small percentage and those who are out are in an even smaller percentage. As time goes on, more and more are coming out and staying in the church. The world is getting to see more of us as well.

2) I still care but don't care about people's decisions to stay or leave the church. I have found my happiness and peace in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, but I know that there are many others who don't find it there and I get it. I'm not going to tell someone how to live their life because I don't want others to tell me how to live mine. I care immensely that people get to make their decisions and they should be able to follow up with those decisions as long as they are not causing direct harm to others. I believe before coming to earth that we fought for our ability to make our own decisions so we should not take that away from people. Being religious or not does not determine the capability to be loved and treated with basic human respect.

I love my time with the Gurrs!

3) God prepared me and prepared others for me to come out. I can only imagine how my experience would have been completely different if I had come out to people who were not ready to love me. If Sister Gurr had not been prepared for my coming out, she might not have pulled me into a big hug and telling me she still loved me and was proud of me. Mark Allan would not have known as a YSA bishop to tell me the first thing was that he loved me as tears were pouring down both our eyes as I finally opened my soul to a religious leader. Kyle and Spencer, brothers in my ward, never hesitated to show love and desire to be my friend. God prepared me to know the right people to come out to. People who would love me and would treat me with respect.

4) Being gay has more beauty than I could have imagined and there is much to learn and navigate. Being gay isn't negative, despicable or anything bad. It's a part of life. It comes with struggles. It comes with blessings. It's just like any other part of someone's life. There are lessons from being gay both good and bad. It's not scary. It just is. It's just a part of existence and there is so much to learn. In every nook and cranny of the world, there is something to learn and I can keep learning about homosexuality in all its truth.

5) I wouldn't say that I learned this, but I was reminded and the whole aspect grew stronger in me. This isn't about gays versus not gays. This isn't about gays versus religion. It's about all of us versus destruction. It's about not letting evil sink into our hearts and letting the ability to listen, empathize, and make decisions about what we have learned be in control. We are all on the same team. We all want to make life better for the world. We want peace and happiness. We want to make sense of all that doesn't make sense. We want our problems to go away. We want to find our space and feel good enough. Unfortunately, sometimes our views of peace and happiness or problems don't coincide with each other and arguments arise. Our truths collide and there can be separations. Disagreements and opinions become more important than people to be loved and truth to be found. Control is used to influence others and force one's beliefs as rules for others. Differing opinions aren't always bad though. They are what help us grow and learn. Sometimes certain ideals, goals, or beliefs can be chosen to remain the same and still love another person regardless of the outcome of a discourse. You can also choose to respect and not impinge on other's lives, but learn to love and let alone what isn't as important as love. We can live in peace and harmony with each other.

Gotta celebrate National Unicorn day with a Unicorn cupcake!

I officially came out of the closet on April 15th, 2018 at 9:30 PM. I still have to "come out" all the time to other people who ask and wonder about me. I do not want to wear a ginormous sign with glitter and fireworks saying, "This guy is a homosexual!" I do however enjoy the freedom of being able to talk about my sexuality with such freedom. I listen to straight people talk about things that involve their sexuality all the time so I'm glad many do not impinge on my ability to talk about something that is also a major role of my life.

I recently became friends with a guy who is working with me on some plans we're executing in the next few months to build safer spaces for LGBTQ+ people. He's straight and he's working on something positive for us LGBTQ+. Granted, many straight people are positive towards us, but this guy is a little bit better than most in my opinion. He doesn't just want a safe, loving, and welcome environment for LGBTQ+ people. He's actually doing something about it. Brandon takes every step with a pensive thought. I can tell that he truly tries to think about all variables. He doesn't want to make mistakes and tries to deduce which way is the best. I've never felt different around him because I'm gay. I feel that he gives my opinions on LGBTQ+ matters at a higher level because I'm the one who experiences it. The actions that he is taking gives me hope and I am lucky to call him my friend. I had a little more one on one time with him yesterday and getting to hear more about the things his life has given him, I respect him even more. The kindness and peace he carries in his presence makes me trust the world more.

My entire year has had its ups and downs. I'm still learning to be grateful for the downs. It's a work in progress.

Granted, I'm a work in progress too.

Recently in my YSA ward during Sunday School we had a girl who brought up homosexuality. A friend of hers had always been frustrated about the church's stance on gays. She didn't know I'm gay. He was upset how it was taught that God didn't accept gays and nobody could truly respond to his questions so he left the church. She explained how she tried to respond to him. It was kind of rocky, but nothing incorrect was said. I happened to be on the front row and the moment she said the word "gays" I could instantly feel the tension and could feel many eyes on me. I am the only gay member who is out in our ward and I am very open about it. The Sunday School teacher decided to add to her comment. I had chatted with this teacher only once before and he hadn't come very often to our ward. I suspected he didn't know that I was gay, out, and (obviously) still in the church. As he was finishing, his last comment was, "Because being gay is a sin just like smoking cigarettes."

*Insert nervous chuckle/giggle*

Before that last statement, I had no plans to make a comment. If someone else had made a comment, that would have been nice. However the moment he said that last sentence, I felt it was my prerogative to speak up. As usual whenever I'm feeling a need to make a comment that could bring contention or bear a testimony, adrenaline will spike. When that happens, my voice can shake and sound like I am going to cry. I have small tremors in my hands and that gets worse. What was  comforting for me though was I knew people in that room were not okay with what was just said. I felt like I had backup and I raised my hand. 

I started off by saying, "I just want to clarify." I then talked about how being gay isn't the sin, but acting on homosexual feelings is the sin as defined by God. As I had started to clarify, the teacher had realized what his mistake was and you could see it on his face. I then said, "I am gay and I am still a part of the church." I continued and said that a straight couple doing anything sexual outside of the bonds of marriage is also a sin so sexual laws don't only apply to gays. I testified that I know God loves his LGBTQ+ children and we can all have the ability to testify that He does. I know He loves me and there isn't anyone who can tell me different and it be true.

First time at Loveloud and I loved it!

The teacher once again apologized. I said it was okay and waved it off. My adrenaline was still going and I was just ready for it all to be over. The teacher is a good man who made a mistake. I felt immense waves of God's love for him and I had forgiven him the moment those words had left his mouth. As we moved on, I checked my phone. I had three texts from people in the class thanking me for my comment and for saying something. One just said, "You're the man." The girl next to me laid her head on my shoulder for a few seconds and the guy on my right patted my arm. I responded to the texts and thanked them for texting me. When the lesson ended, I went right up to the teacher and pulled him into a big hug. I told him I was okay and I wasn't upset. The girl who made a comment also came up and said she hoped she didn't say anything offensive. I told them both they were okay and I wasn't angry. They both looked so relieved.

I felt great. Adrenaline was still taking its toll, but I felt amazing. 

I wasn't shot down. I wasn't told that I'm a sinner. I wasn't told to get out. I was listened to. I was able to speak freely about my homosexuality in Sunday School. I was at peace.

It got better.

We had munch and mingle that day and throughout the next hour I had around 15 people thank me for my comment. A boyfriend and girlfriend came up to me and started talking to me about what happened. They have been extra super supportive and loving towards me ever since they knew about me being gay. When we were done talking, they both pulled me in for a hug and it felt so good and safe. They expressed how happy they are having me there and they thanked me for saying something. Others made comments about how they're glad I said something because some people still believe that being gay is a sin. So many expressed gratitude and love. A few people said they would fight by my side if needed. I tried to express to everyone not to be a problem to the teacher because he is just as imperfect as I am and I didn't want him to be harassed. 

I love my YSA ward so much.

I was on cloud nine. In less than a year, I had helped a ward understand that being gay wasn't a sin. Having a man open about his homosexuality and still be active in the church of Jesus Christ wasn't actually scary. They became protective. They are grateful. We have all felt friendship. I am so lucky to have my ward. I heavily rely on them and they haven't failed.

With Dad at a BYU football game! 

I have come so far in one year. I have been able to help many in this year and there are plans in the near future so I can help create safer spaces. I'll be giving opportunities for others to see that the LGBT subject isn't scary. It just is a subject of life. Right now I feel we are all part of a dysfunctional family and I'm trying to change that. I just want everyone to become the greatest family we've ever seen. I want there to be a feeling of belonging and happiness together. You know what I mean. Like when friends surround a campfire and are so happy just to be with each other. Or when you're relaxing on a nice green lawn after lunch at a family reunion under a tree on a beautiful sunny day. That's what I want for all humanity. I want the peaceful and wholeness one feels when everything is juuuust right. 

A good friend in my elder's quorum presidency recently texted me letting me know that if I ever needed, he was there for me. He told me that the ward loves me and my talents. He told me that while he's empathetic, he can't begin to imagine how it would be to walk in my shoes. 

The conversation we had is a very special one to me.

I have another friend who is gay, but isn't out. He's finding his own way and I'm really grateful I get to be part of his journey. He and I were chatting with a mutual friend one day about me and being gay and in the church. She had lots of questions. She didn't know about him, but he got to listen as we talked about me being out. She asked me what it was like being out and how it's been. I talked about how great it was, how I've joined a few great groups, and I've made a lot of great friends who are also gay and in the church. As I finished talking about my friends, he opened his arms in a "ta-dah" motion coming out to her. She was shocked for half a second and then pulled him in for the biggest hug she could muster. We talked with her and her husband and they both expressed so much love for him. I almost cried watching it all happen.

I did cry later. I kept thinking of something he said, "I never knew how much love I was missing out on by being in the closet." I was so happy he got to talk to people who loved him.

For me being out has been freeing and has given me more opportunities to hone my gifts, express my love for my Savior at a deeper level, and serve with greater vulnerability and honesty. I can be me. I am forging my own path. I have claimed my own space and I'm trying to make space for others like me if they want it.

My first year was amazing.

I am so happy that I've been able to be, well, me.