Mom, I'm Gay

I had to utter those words twice because the first time I said them, I didn't say them clearly enough and so again I said, "Mom, I'm gay."

What did my mom do? Shrug her shoulders and say, "okay!" 

Not exactly what I was expecting, but it was a good answer. To her, it didn't matter that I was gay. My question after her response was if she ever even suspected my homosexuality to which I was told, "No. I honored your choices for not rushing into a relationship with a girl right away and knew you'd figure it out at your own pace."

No mother is perfect, but I have seen that mine was perfectly placed into my life. We both have regrets, but that's in the past. All I can really think of is the times we'd race to the car to be first. I remember her giving up time with my dad during Christmas Eve so I wouldn't be alone. She adores my father and I know especially at that time she cherished any time she got with him. I was so excited to be with her and we watched Christmas movies together. She fell asleep in the first one but I didn't care. My mama was with me because she knew that nobody should be alone on Christmas Eve. 

One year my father was unemployed and people in our ward were consistently dropping off gifts. One time we got a ham and if you know me I L.O.V.E. ham especially when it's honey glazed (which in this case it was). I was so excited and ready to dig in but my mom started talking about who needed the ham more. You can imagine my face and if you can't, it wasn't a happy one. I was very upset at losing that ham. Years later I looked back and realized how good my mother was in that moment. When we needed help and received a blessing, she looked to see how she could help someone who was in greater need.

I remember as a child in elementary school that my mother taught me a lesson that became ingrained into my soul. She taught me to be kind and make people feel important. 

Most of my life I had the song for our Mother/Son dance picked out for my wedding reception. I remember the first time I fell in love with singing. She was playing the piano for the song, "How Do You Fall In Love?" by Alabama. She had me sing as she played. When we finished, she praised me up and down and said I sang so beautifully. She showed my voice off to my father who had just arrived at work. She was all giddy about her little boy and his beautiful voice. That song has always remained in my heart and mind. As of right now that dance at a wedding reception isn't going to happen, but I know my mother will always be proud of me and love me. 

Right after my mission, my parents had set up a temporary room for me since we were a very full house. I was put next to the bookcases with the binders of her memories from years ago. I got to learn about her dating experiences, interactions with my grandparents, and spiritual times with her Heavenly Father. I've always admired my mothers desire to follow Heavenly Father and her strength of faith and love for Him. I remember from one of her entries that in that day she had found my oldest brother locked in a bin and couldn't get out. Another brother that day had almost been hit by a car. She and my dad got in the car, my dad started the car and then turned on the radio. After a second my mother turned off the radio and said, "We need to thank Heavenly Father for today." I wasn't there but I can imagine the strong emotions of fear, gratitude, and love that she expressed to the omnipotent being who loves her dearly. 

Regardless of my mother having taught me many things about love and kindness by word and example, it was still scary to come out to her. 

The topic came up when the November policy was released early to the public. My parents had returned from a trip they'd been on and we were discussing our confusion and frustrations. I can't even remember how I got to the point where I felt it was like the climax of discussions on movies. I glanced at my dad and said, "Mom. I'm gay!" I guess I was too quiet or not clear enough because she said, "I'm sorry what?" She then clarified she didn't actually hear me and I had to repeat myself saying the top three words I had uttered only to a few others.

Ever since coming out to her, our relationship has grown tenfold. We are proud of each other and where the other has gone in our lives. She currently helps serve in the prison and also in the temple. It's always good to hear her share the stories that she is able to share. You can tell both of those callings have strengthened her and she loves serving her fellow brothers and sisters. To me, both the prison and the temple represent places where those who feel the lowest in life are. The spirit reaches to all whether they feel strong or they feel weak and my mother tries to help all she can.

I wish all mothers could accept their children the way mine accepts me. I wish all kids could get loving texts with the cute star and heart emojis that I get. I wish they could sit next to their mothers and have her rest her head on their shoulders knowing that she loves them. 

My mother knows that God will work through everything and make it all fair. She doesn't know why I am gay, but she knows God loves me. She knows he has protected me and has blessed me beyond belief. She knows He would guide me even if I wasn't part of the church. She knows He requires all of us to love each other even if it's difficult. She doesn't try to tell me that I need to keep trying to marry a woman. She doesn't tell me that I'm a sinner for being gay.

The saying, "love you then, love you still, always have, always will" describes who my mother is and how she treats me.

My mother is one of the biggest reasons I am who I am. If I've been kind to you, it's because she taught me to be kind. If you have enjoyed my giggles, it's because she taught me to laugh. If you had admired my strength, it's because I have seen her stand up against what is wrong even when she might be shaking on the inside. She taught me to not back down.

She taught me that I'm worth something special and even if I'm not worth it to others, I will always be worth it for her.

My mother and I want you to know that that saying also applies to you. You're worth something special even if you're not worth it to others. You will always be worth it for us.