First of all, to all you LGTBQ+ people, I love you SO MUCH! Your hearts are some of the biggest I've ever met and you're so amazing! I am so glad you're here on the earth with me and I get to be part of a beautiful community with you.
Second thing. We all need to understand that nobody has to come out. You don't have to tell someone about you if you don't want to or don't feel they deserve to know. Nobody has a right to know they are LGBTQ+ first except the person themselves.
In the past four to five years, I found out about and continuted to learn more about Brene Brown and her research. Brene Brown is a shame researcher and has multiple books that have been published. She has a PHD, is a Licensed Master Social Worker, and I absolutely love her work. In one of her books that I'm reading, she shares a story about the "marble jar." Her daughter came home one day and told her a tragic story about something that happened at school. The teacher had a large, clear glass vase and if the kids were good, the teacher would add marbles to the jar. If they were bad, she'd take marbles out. If they got the marbles up to the top of the jar, they would get a party. Her daughter shared a funny but slightly embarrassing thing with a friend hoping to keep it secret but by the time they got back from lunch, everyone knew. The other girls were still laughing about it enough to cause a distraction so the teacher took marbles out of the jar.
Brene and her daughter discussed what they called, "Marble Jar Friends." When someone is kind, nice, understanding, really listen to you or other good things, more marbles go into their "friendship jar." If they do unkind things and are mean, share your secrets or other such things, they lose marbles from the jar. Those who have more marbles in their jar are the friends we can be more open with and are those who we can always count on, no matter what the situation is. We can be more vulnerable. In my own way, I have described it as my Totem Pole of Worthiness. I've gone back and forth with other ideas on what feels more fitting, but until then, it's the Totem Pole of Worthiness. How it works is essentially the same as the marble jar. I will be vulnerable in small amounts with people. Depending on how they act, they either stay at the bottom of the pole or begin to work their way to the top. At the top of the pole are those who have shown I can trust them with anything and everything in my life. Depending on which level someone is will determine the amount of vulnerability I will express with them. There aren't many people at the top. I have four.
Over a year ago, a friend came out to me as gay. They didn't know I was gay, but wanted to come out to me. I immediately came out to them in response. We were both busy that day but wanted to talk the next day. When we met up, we talked for hours and hours. They were one of the very first people I actually said I was gay to. Before we opened up, I had maybe around 10 people who knew. They were friends and family who for one reason or another, I opened up to. This was all after my mission and the burden was very heavy. It had gotten lighter with each person but I was still very unsure about being open about my sexuality. This friend was suddenly much higher on the totem pole and we kept talking over the next while. It was, in a way to describe it, heavenly. I felt a huge burden had been lifted off my shoulders because I FINALLY found someone who thought pretty similarly to me and was struggling with the same things I was. They introduced me to their family. All of their family knew, and they didn't care! In fact they would make jokes about it to my friend and my friend soaked it all in. It felt normal to talk about it so openly. The safety I felt being among that family was freeing and I knew I didn't want anything else for me and my life, so I decided to open up to more people.
In less than two months after that initial experience, I was out to an extra 30 people. Not all of these people were on the highest point of my totem pole, but they were pretty high up there. Most responded with great love, but it wasn't the same for everyone. One person was frustrated with me. I was the first person they had ever had come out to them and they didn't know how to react. They felt I had been lying to them our entire friendship and they had to re-learn who I was. They had come to a realization all by themselves about how it was okay and they asked for my forgiveness which I did give.
Here is the thing though. In my quick and rash decisions, I could have shared that information with someone who COULD have decided to share it publicly in their frustrations. Others might do it in a rage or because they feel disgusted.
If you decide to come out to someone, please be careful.
If someone decides to come out to you, please feel honored.
Being LGBTQ+ is a very scary thing. People in other countries are still being beaten, tortured, and even killed if they're found to be one of my community. Heckling, hate, and misconceptions are rampant even to this day. There is danger is out there for people who are out or their secret is discovered. It's not even just those we don't know. It's those we do. It's really scary to think that you might lose someone over something you can't control. Our relationships with others mean the world to us and isolation is a terrifying thing.
If we open up to you, especially if we're in the closet, you can bet we've been thinking about it for a while, so please feel honored that we would trust you with this beautiful part of who we are.
Most of the people I came out to before the big reveal responded and still respond with love no matter how flamboyant I might act, kind corrections I give, or how many gay jokes I make, moved up on my totem pole. They treat me with honor and respect. They know I'm not perfect and they don't expect me to be. They let me have my own voice and listen to my thoughts and opinions. I recently texted one of these people. She was one of the first I came out to at work and she hasn't asked me a single question. I messaged her and asked her why. In her response she said, "You are still you and that is what matters." She is very high on my totem pole.
Brene and her daughter discussed what they called, "Marble Jar Friends." When someone is kind, nice, understanding, really listen to you or other good things, more marbles go into their "friendship jar." If they do unkind things and are mean, share your secrets or other such things, they lose marbles from the jar. Those who have more marbles in their jar are the friends we can be more open with and are those who we can always count on, no matter what the situation is. We can be more vulnerable. In my own way, I have described it as my Totem Pole of Worthiness. I've gone back and forth with other ideas on what feels more fitting, but until then, it's the Totem Pole of Worthiness. How it works is essentially the same as the marble jar. I will be vulnerable in small amounts with people. Depending on how they act, they either stay at the bottom of the pole or begin to work their way to the top. At the top of the pole are those who have shown I can trust them with anything and everything in my life. Depending on which level someone is will determine the amount of vulnerability I will express with them. There aren't many people at the top. I have four.
 |
| My cat Classy and I spending time together at home. |
In less than two months after that initial experience, I was out to an extra 30 people. Not all of these people were on the highest point of my totem pole, but they were pretty high up there. Most responded with great love, but it wasn't the same for everyone. One person was frustrated with me. I was the first person they had ever had come out to them and they didn't know how to react. They felt I had been lying to them our entire friendship and they had to re-learn who I was. They had come to a realization all by themselves about how it was okay and they asked for my forgiveness which I did give.
Here is the thing though. In my quick and rash decisions, I could have shared that information with someone who COULD have decided to share it publicly in their frustrations. Others might do it in a rage or because they feel disgusted.
If you decide to come out to someone, please be careful.
If someone decides to come out to you, please feel honored.
Being LGBTQ+ is a very scary thing. People in other countries are still being beaten, tortured, and even killed if they're found to be one of my community. Heckling, hate, and misconceptions are rampant even to this day. There is danger is out there for people who are out or their secret is discovered. It's not even just those we don't know. It's those we do. It's really scary to think that you might lose someone over something you can't control. Our relationships with others mean the world to us and isolation is a terrifying thing.
 |
| Lucy, my roommates cat, missed him while on vacation |
Most of the people I came out to before the big reveal responded and still respond with love no matter how flamboyant I might act, kind corrections I give, or how many gay jokes I make, moved up on my totem pole. They treat me with honor and respect. They know I'm not perfect and they don't expect me to be. They let me have my own voice and listen to my thoughts and opinions. I recently texted one of these people. She was one of the first I came out to at work and she hasn't asked me a single question. I messaged her and asked her why. In her response she said, "You are still you and that is what matters." She is very high on my totem pole.
When coming out to people, don't rush it. It's one of the hardest lessons I still have to learn about life in general because I can be a very impulsive (and to be honest impatient) person. I get excited about certain life prospects and want it all done now. When it comes to people and opening up about who you are, take the time. Think about who they are. Think about how they treat you. If you're not out, this is such a special gift to give others, but again, nobody deserves to know about you except you. To quote Brene Brown, she says, "Sharing appropriately, with boundaries, means sharing with people with whom we've developed relationships that can bear the weight of our story. The result of this mutually respectful vulnerability is increased connection, trust, and engagement." I love that so much. I shared my secret with siblings, friends, coworkers, and other family members who had built up trust over time. They had shown me they loved me and were there for me no matter what.
My process of coming out publicly really started when my friend came out to me and we expressed our desires to stop hiding. I had recently started going to therapy and I began discussing it with my therapist. My therapist was a gift from above. He was the first therapist I went to and he was 100% perfect which is rare to find on the first go according to my friends and family. For part of my therapy, we discussed coming out because I said wanted to. He said to me, "Don't come out to just come out Dallin. Once you put it out there, it's out there and you can't take it back." I felt a bit disgruntled because I felt he was stalling me, but the back of my mind shook its finger at me and said that he was right. The entire time between me even thinking of coming out publicly and coming out was around seven months. I knew after five months that I was going to, but I didn't know until two months before the actual act.
My process of coming out publicly really started when my friend came out to me and we expressed our desires to stop hiding. I had recently started going to therapy and I began discussing it with my therapist. My therapist was a gift from above. He was the first therapist I went to and he was 100% perfect which is rare to find on the first go according to my friends and family. For part of my therapy, we discussed coming out because I said wanted to. He said to me, "Don't come out to just come out Dallin. Once you put it out there, it's out there and you can't take it back." I felt a bit disgruntled because I felt he was stalling me, but the back of my mind shook its finger at me and said that he was right. The entire time between me even thinking of coming out publicly and coming out was around seven months. I knew after five months that I was going to, but I didn't know until two months before the actual act.
Publicly coming out was the scariest thing that I have ever done. Memories flowed in my head right before I posted on Facebook and they weren't exactly gay-friendly. I remember feeling shame whenever an adult figure mentioned their gay cousin and how they weren't too involved in the family. I took that as it was shameful to be gay and we don't talk about it. There were kids who tormented others about being gay because they found enjoyment in bullying. Church leaders who would say unkind things and make homophobic jokes. Some used the word "faggot" every now and then. Missionaries in my mission made jokes as well and made hateful comments. I heard disgusted comments multiple times about gay couples who were walking down the streets. I expected to lose so many of my friends and even some family.
Publicly coming out was one of the best things I have ever done. There were outpouring comments of love. There were comments made on that Facebook post that were the some of the highest compliments I have ever received. All of my fears were swept away as people liked and loved my post. People reached out to me personally. They thanked me for my courage. They told me they loved me. They told me they looked up to me. People at work would pull me aside and just tell me how awesome I am and how brave I was. Many people reacted kindly. If there was anyone who deleted me as a friend on Facebook, I couldn't tell you who they were. Either I didn't lose anyone or they weren't important enough in the first place. I was rallied around. I was supported. I felt that I was loved and I was.
My public and private coming out experiences and outcomes are rare for the LGBTQ+ community. My first bishop I came out to gave me the perfect response. I had burst into tears about how I was struggling with my work trying to be the best that I could, struggling with my calling, with problems in my family, and I was gay. As I finished pouring out about my trials to a wonderful man who I'd worked with for years, he said, "Dallin, I just want to say first that I love you." While he was still learning, he expressed pure love to me. My second bishop I came out to, the ward I'm in right now, has never made me feel unwelcome because I'm gay. He has asked for my thoughts on subjects and I go to him for council.
From leadership to family to friends, I have been richly blessed and extremely lucky. Many people are treated horribly and differently. They are rejected. I saw a heart-wrenching experience to a person dear to my heart where a member of the church said, "I love you and I testify that the Book of Mormon is true but because you are going to act on this, I'm not going to speak with you anymore." This is the reason the hardest coming out wasn't to myself. It was to my best friend. I feared that he would hate me. I feared that he would be disgusted and would abandon me. He didn't though. His first words to me were, "Oh Dallin don't cry!" I was a sobbing mess at that point because it was the moment of truth and the fears of the years washed over my emotions.
I look back on these past 5 months and I can't express how lucky I am to have who I have. I feel blessed at the strength Jesus offers me and continues to give me. For those who are newer to my blog, I had consulted with Heavenly Father about me coming out and on April 15th, 2018, he told me he wanted me to come out. Having followed what he asked, I felt given strength to keep going. I still feel it. My relationship with my Heavenly Father has gotten stronger in these past 6 months. Something that I read before I came out was the Church's statement on if you want to come out. "If you decide to share your experiences of feeling same-sex attraction or to openly identify as gay, you should be supported and treated with kindness and respect, both at home and in church. We all need to be patient with each other as we figure things out."
My suggestion for someone wondering if they should come out is take your time to figure it out first. You never have to come out if you don't want to. You can come out if you want to. Those decisions are yours and yours alone. They should never be taken away from you. You can tell who you want and you don't have to tell anyone you don't want to.
Straight and Cisgender people. My short message to you is I love you, but please let us be us. Do not force on us that we need to come out. Listen to us. We all have something to learn from each other. You sometimes won't know how to answer to the sudden revelation. Sometimes people might ask you questions like what God's plan is for us. I don't even fully know what it is and I know many if not all LGBTQ+ people don't have a full understanding of what the plan is for us and how it fully includes us. To end, i'll recommend you watch this short clip made about a presentation given by Brene Brown (yes I know, I've quoted her a lot).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw&t=4s
My LGBTQ+ family, you're so amazing! Find those people who will cherish you. I can promise it's worth it to find them. The weight and burden on your shoulders will lift. You will feel welcome, wanted, and important. You will feel safe. They will edify you. They are worth the wait.
Publicly coming out was one of the best things I have ever done. There were outpouring comments of love. There were comments made on that Facebook post that were the some of the highest compliments I have ever received. All of my fears were swept away as people liked and loved my post. People reached out to me personally. They thanked me for my courage. They told me they loved me. They told me they looked up to me. People at work would pull me aside and just tell me how awesome I am and how brave I was. Many people reacted kindly. If there was anyone who deleted me as a friend on Facebook, I couldn't tell you who they were. Either I didn't lose anyone or they weren't important enough in the first place. I was rallied around. I was supported. I felt that I was loved and I was.
 |
| Me with some of the Gurr children. The Gurrs have been such a support to me before and after me coming out. |
My public and private coming out experiences and outcomes are rare for the LGBTQ+ community. My first bishop I came out to gave me the perfect response. I had burst into tears about how I was struggling with my work trying to be the best that I could, struggling with my calling, with problems in my family, and I was gay. As I finished pouring out about my trials to a wonderful man who I'd worked with for years, he said, "Dallin, I just want to say first that I love you." While he was still learning, he expressed pure love to me. My second bishop I came out to, the ward I'm in right now, has never made me feel unwelcome because I'm gay. He has asked for my thoughts on subjects and I go to him for council.
From leadership to family to friends, I have been richly blessed and extremely lucky. Many people are treated horribly and differently. They are rejected. I saw a heart-wrenching experience to a person dear to my heart where a member of the church said, "I love you and I testify that the Book of Mormon is true but because you are going to act on this, I'm not going to speak with you anymore." This is the reason the hardest coming out wasn't to myself. It was to my best friend. I feared that he would hate me. I feared that he would be disgusted and would abandon me. He didn't though. His first words to me were, "Oh Dallin don't cry!" I was a sobbing mess at that point because it was the moment of truth and the fears of the years washed over my emotions.
I look back on these past 5 months and I can't express how lucky I am to have who I have. I feel blessed at the strength Jesus offers me and continues to give me. For those who are newer to my blog, I had consulted with Heavenly Father about me coming out and on April 15th, 2018, he told me he wanted me to come out. Having followed what he asked, I felt given strength to keep going. I still feel it. My relationship with my Heavenly Father has gotten stronger in these past 6 months. Something that I read before I came out was the Church's statement on if you want to come out. "If you decide to share your experiences of feeling same-sex attraction or to openly identify as gay, you should be supported and treated with kindness and respect, both at home and in church. We all need to be patient with each other as we figure things out."
 |
| Hanging out with a baby horse |
My suggestion for someone wondering if they should come out is take your time to figure it out first. You never have to come out if you don't want to. You can come out if you want to. Those decisions are yours and yours alone. They should never be taken away from you. You can tell who you want and you don't have to tell anyone you don't want to.
Straight and Cisgender people. My short message to you is I love you, but please let us be us. Do not force on us that we need to come out. Listen to us. We all have something to learn from each other. You sometimes won't know how to answer to the sudden revelation. Sometimes people might ask you questions like what God's plan is for us. I don't even fully know what it is and I know many if not all LGBTQ+ people don't have a full understanding of what the plan is for us and how it fully includes us. To end, i'll recommend you watch this short clip made about a presentation given by Brene Brown (yes I know, I've quoted her a lot).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw&t=4s
My LGBTQ+ family, you're so amazing! Find those people who will cherish you. I can promise it's worth it to find them. The weight and burden on your shoulders will lift. You will feel welcome, wanted, and important. You will feel safe. They will edify you. They are worth the wait.
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