Tell Your Heart to Beat Again

I've been pondering about the rough days because sometimes, life gets tough. Okay, let's be real. It feels like MOST of the time, life stays tough. Day in and day out we are consistently thinking about the stresses of life. I recently bought my own place and let me tell you, it has taught me more about stressing for the future than most things have.

In every one of our lives, there are many subjects that are fighting for attention. It feels like we are always on the sidelines as the thoughts of work, a career, a relationship, friendships, popularity, looks, money, food, and more are in the ring with their boxing gloves on in a free-for-all fight that lasts every second of our waking lives and even sometimes haunt our dreams *cue maniacal evil laughter from a crazy scientist.* Hearing the frequent "ding ding ding!!!" and stressing over which one gets to win every 10-15 minutes, it's not too surprising that we just want it all to stop. Feelings of hopelessness and despair can be constant throughout our lives. We have a LOT on our table, right? There is an incredible amount of potential that is expected of us so I'm not surprised by how frequent it is that my friends, family, and acquaintances tell me they're having a hard time. I honor when someone admits that their life might be difficult at the current time because it's incredibly vulnerable to admit that you might not be carrying your burdens very well.

In the past 4-5 years I have enjoyed finding christian pop songs that touch my heart and one of them is, "Tell Your Heart to Beat Again" by Danny Gokey and it, along with many things, has helped me in my personal predicament. Being a gay member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is very confusing. It can be quite difficult as you might have read in my other blog post, "On a scale of 1-10, how much does it hurt?" I know that being a gay member isn't the only difficult thing that someone might have to deal with. There are many struggles and many levels of those struggles that people have to go through. I know the heartache of losing a family member or friend. I've met people who have over 10 medical ailments both physical and mental. People are treated like they are lesser because of the color of their skin or where they are from. There is a plethora of things that can make life unbearable. I will say that life handed me something difficult, and I took it and decided, "Why not make it more difficult?" I stayed in an organization that continues communicating that acting upon my feelings that I did not choose are against the commandments of the higher power (who I love with all my heart) I believe in.

So when the sadness DOES set in, because it does, what do I do to get out of that dip? How do I always keep going on with a cheery smile on my face and a feeling of peace in my heart?

I don't.

At Loveloud with Dan Reynolds. He expressed such unconditional love and I walked away from the concert feeling whole.

I don't always keep that cheery smile. I don't always feel that everything is going to be okay, but that is fine. You don't HAVE to always be happy. You don't HAVE to be okay. It's one of the things that I have learned in the past couple years. It is okay to not be okay.

There are a few things however that I do to help myself when I'm in these moments of difficulties and they involve others. One of the biggest things I do is I get into contact with a specific handful of people. They are some of the most loving and understanding people I have met in my life. Sometimes I ask them how they are and we have a good chat. Other times I tell them I'm struggling and I need someone to talk to. Talking to someone and listening to the struggles of their lives or the good things that are happening to them can be therapeutic for me. Taking time to listen to others and being able to express my pain to people who validate that pain is soothing to the soul. I find that when I am feeling down, it is usually because I feel alone. When I reach out and I talk to such great friends, I'm reminded that I am loved and I'm important. When I feel that validation from them, my heart feels lifted. When I hear how they are doing well, it puts my problems aside and I just smile because they are doing okay.

Something else I do is I find a way to help others. I pray for opportunities to help someone feel important and validated. There is always someone who needs help, and helping others brings joy.

When I was young, I saw a movie called "Pay It Forward." The basics of the movie is about a 7th grade teacher who challenges his class to come up with a way to change the world. There is also a journalist from Los Angeles who receives a brand new car from a stranger after an accident. In the movie, there are different views shown from different people of what is happening. The journalist finds out that the man who gave him the car had received help from another person and that the other person received help as well. In the class, there is a student who teaches his fellow students about his idea on how to change the world. He says he helps 3 people with favors they could not do themselves and then tells them to pay it forward to three people of their own. The story is seen from both sides as this young boy helps his 3 people, and the journalist trails the story, through the people affected, back to this young boy.

Paintings of past members of the Quorum of the 12

That idea always stuck in my head. I want to help the people in my life who I meet so that they want to help others in their lives. The more kindness and love I show, it will merge into others hearts. The more it becomes part of someone's heart, the more they share kindness and love to others. The more they share, healing spreads more and we can slowly but surely change the world one heart at a time.

One of my favorite talks from General Conference when the leaders of the church talk to us is, "Songs Sung and Unsung" by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland. Part of his talk says, "Among the realities we face as children of God living in a fallen world is that some days are difficult, days when our faith and our fortitutde are tested. These challenges may come from a lack in us, a lack in others, or just a lack in life, but whatever the reasons, we find they can rob us of songs we so much want to sing and darken the promise of "springtime in [the] soul" that Eliza Hewitt celebrates in one of her verses."

It's quite validating and relieving when someone else, especially someone higher in the ranks, recognizes and says that there are hard days. It helps solidify the intangible and uncontrollable feelings of insecurity that maybe I am the only one who really struggles and goes through difficult times.  Elder Holland continues later and says, "In those moments when the melody of joy falters below our power of expression, we may have to stand silent for a time and simply listen to others, drawing strength from the splendor of the music around us." I once saw a photo of a bird in a windy rain storm and its caption said, "Sometimes you just have to bow your head, say a prayer, and weather the storm." There have been so many times where I feel my inner self just crawl in a hole and wait until the hurricane of depression, the wailing of sadness, the thunders of insecurity, and the seemingly almost never ending shadows of loneliness disappear.

I only have one thing that is in common with all things I do to obtain strength to keep going.

I look to my Savior.

At David and Susannah's wedding (They are literally two of the best humans I have ever met)

If I am serving others, weathering a storm, reaching out to others and expressing my feelings, or whatever I am doing, my heart always turns as much as it can towards my Savior. Every single time I do, I have that feeling of hope inside my soul that He is there. I know no matter what words come out of others mouths or thoughts storming through my brain, He is beside me. His arm is around my shoulder giving me the strength to do what I need to do or go through what I need to struggle with. He is the light at the end of the tunnel. When I finally reach that light, my inner self crawls out and falls on his knees crying. He gives thanks for what and who he was given during the good times, but especially the difficult times. There is a reason we talk of Christ, rejoice in Christ, preach of Christ, and prophesy of Christ. It is so we can remember that He can buoy us up when we have to swim in the deep, dark, and ripping waters.

He has the power to make us feel whole. Imagine that. Feeling whole. To feel that you are in an unbroken or undamaged state. He is the feeling of warmth under your blankets on a cold wintry night. He is the strong embrace of a friend that reminds you that you're loved and safe. He is the touch of the Sun's light on your face in the morning. He is the pensive state you are in when listening to someone play a beautiful song on the piano. He is the feeling of pure relief when someone looks at you with unconditional love. He is my guidance. He is my captain. He is my brother.

He is my Redeemer and Savior.

I can get through anything and everything with Him, because of Him.