This Isn't About Me

The FHE activity was a success! The murder mystery was complete, the culprit was caught by some of the teams, the food was eaten, and the cleaning up had started. Everyone had had a really great time and I'd been told by multiple people they were glad they came. After about 2 hours of making everything perfect, all we had to do was clean up and then go home. I grabbed the plates, utensils, and napkins. I asked my FHE Co-chair Nicki where she wanted me to put all the items I was holding.

"Let's see if we can get Alexis to open up the closet for us." She said.

I responded saying, "Oooooh, I don't do well with closets, I just came out of one in April."

Nicki and my other friend Bene who was right behind me started laughing. Others around us looked like they weren't sure what to do but then started laughing as well. I felt incredibly successful that not only had my joke been laughed at, but it was a gay joke that had been laughed at.

If you know me, I love jokes. I love to make others laugh and feel some kind of relief from the stress of life. I love to make people feel like there is really happiness in the world even if the world doesn't seem happy right now. Even if it's to the extent of getting eye rolls at how bad my dad joke is, you could say I'm a faux pa since I have no kids, it's worth it for me. More and more since coming out I try to find more opportunities to make appropriate gay jokes especially around my straight friends and some of them wonder why I have to crack so many jokes.

It's for one of my communities.

It's not specifically for me. It's for them. It's for us.

If you want gay people to stop talking about so many gay things, then you need to stop talking about all the straight things. That includes straight people finding relationships, straight marriage, straight dates, straight hand-holding, straight spouses, straight plans for the weekend, straight guy and girl jokes, straight movies, straight tv shows, and more. If you think that yours should be allowed and mine shouldn't because it's "too much," then you're saying to me that you are used to everything being heterosexual and you don't want to make room for me and what is part of my life.

My roommate decorating for Christmas before Thanksgiving was done. Scandalous I know, but I'm glad he did.

Normalizing homosexuality in heterosexual environments hasn't actually been as difficult as I imagined. Granted the environments I am in are usually quite accepting of me being gay, which does make it easier. I've been trying to get rid of taboos on certain subjects so people can talk freely while being encouraged to have discussions where both parties are considerate of the other's feelings and be willing to listen to the other person's side. I have understood and seen how even in such discussions, the two parties (sometimes myself included) separate without having come to the same conclusion or way of thinking which is destined to happen and it is normal. There have been occasions where civility is lacking at an incredible amount and hurtful things are said on both sides. I will agree there have been horrible things from both sides. However in many instances, I have seen more negativity pointed towards those of the LGBT+ community. When unkind words are returned to the first perpetrator and the first to punch gets mad there were comments returned, I think of a beaten dog. You can't hit a dog so many times and get angry when it bites back acting as you have done nothing wrong.

There is a taboo label on the discussion of homosexuality especially in Utah among members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. It's a sensitive topic that seems to be on fire and if you try to approach, you'll get burned. People are quite nervous because they don't know how to ask what they don't understand with sincerity but without being offensive. It's a scary idea because of past experiences or passed on experiences. I get it.

I'm scared too.

I live in both worlds and I am scared too.

My heart always beats at the pace of what feels like a million miles an hour any time I open up and tell people that I'm gay. I've been out for 7 months and it still gets my heart racing. I have no idea what to expect from others because everyone is so different. I brace myself and hold my breath hoping I'm not about to be told that I am disgusting or even worse. Believe me, there is much worse that is still currently said about us from even those who call themselves loving and charitable Christians. Any time it's another male, I wonder if he will be like the rare few in the news who beat up gay men just for the fact that they are gay.

My parents and I on Thanksgiving

My mind is always screaming at me to not "do too much" because it could upset people that I'm always talking about being gay (as if it wasn't such a big part of my life). I feel that sometimes I can get ambitious about sharing, joking, talking, and asking questions that open up about me being gay, but I always remind myself, this isn't about me. This isn't just for me. It's for them. It's for the quiet and closeted people in and out of the church who are scared of the world and what it has offered us. It's so they have an opportunity to see that someone is willing to talk about it and there are people who, while not LGBT+, are okay with it and laugh at the jokes. Sure, in the end it does help me out because I am gay and it's making it more normal, but it's never been about me.

It's for the girl who I have never met and we talked on the phone for 45 minutes while she cried because while she likes both men and women, she has only fallen in love with women. She wants to do what she knows is right but she doesn't know how to balance what she believes and what she feels.

It's for the boy whose heart is broken because he wishes his parents would love him as he is and not try to fix what they feel needs to be fixed.

It's for the older generation of LGBT+ to see that the younger ones are changing the way of thinking and the manner of being so they don't have to be as defensive anymore as they have had to be because we are moving towards a safer world.

It's for my friend who said he's only out to a handful of people that he is bi and it's a confusing and hard life, but he feels comfortable and safe around me.

It's for those who will ask in anonymous Q&A's like one my stake recently had and they asked about how to be more inclusive to the LGBTQ+ community. It might have been a cry for help or just a question. I don't know if it was a straight person asking for themselves because they don't know how or a closeted person asking the visiting 70 that night so they could maybe feel a bit more loved. They did get that loving answer from him. I needed that answer too. He, Elder J. Devn Cornish, said that this subject calls for all the compassion in the world.

All the compassion in the world is what my goal is for them. I want the many experiences I've had hearing, "Okay" as the response for them too if they ever decide to come out to someone or to everyone. I want them to hear how much they are loved and this changes nothing. I want them to hear how much they are wanted and desired.

To achieve this goal, however, there are many obstacles to go over, under, around, and sometimes through. That is really intimidating to me. As my bishop said, I'm trying to help plow a path not many have taken. It's really scary, hard, and even burdensome sometimes. I don't always feel like continuing. I sometimes feel that I wish I'd never come out because the burden of being an example (by choice or not) can be rough. I feel that I'm tired and I can't move the mountain as good as others could, so I should just step back.

Then I remember.

I remember my loved ones as I came out to them. I remember the comments I received as I opened up my heart and soul to them with all the vulnerability possible.

"Well, my friends say it's really great to have a gay friend."

"What? Why do they say that?"

"Well, they said you can talk about cute guys together."

I remember Krista telling me that as we sat in my car outside her house. She's my best friend's younger sister and our relationship has always been important to me. It was probably the first thing she'd said to me after I came out to her and it was probably the most important. With that sentence, she communicated that she was okay with me being gay and the relief off my shoulders was phenomenal. I want that to be something others hear when they open up. I want them to hear from their friends that they're glad they were told and that they still mean the world to them. I want them to see that their relationships with their family and friends aren't going to change for the worse, but for the better.

I remember it's for them. When I remember them, I am given strength to keep on going.

It's for you. It might take one person a while to move the mountain to build the easier path, but with many people doing it on all sides, even if we aren't connected, we will eventually break it down and then move on to the next mountain with more people who are able to help.

I'm being me with an extra effort to let others see who I am in authenticity so they can feel calmer and more at peace that this isn't a scary subject we never talk about. This is just a part of life.

The Velveteen Rabbit and the Skin Horse

This quote is from the Velveteen Rabbit.
"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long long time, not just to play with, but really loves you, then you became Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real, you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out, and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real, you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

I want to get to a world where everyone is as Real as the Skin Horse says. Where nobody is ugly because everyone understands. Is that ambitious and potentially impossible? Yes.

But are you worth it? Are we all worth it?

The answer is also yes, so I do it anyways.