Loving My Transgender Brother

I spent years in confusion and pain because of my sexuality. I spent time crying and wondering why I was the way I was. I wondered many times what my future held and many nights I felt very lonely. When my brother sent me an email in 2009 telling me that he was actually a male, I wish I'd been able to reach into my young teenage heart and pulled out the empathy I strongly yearned for from others to give him. I wish I'd taken time to actually listen and understand him more than I did. 

I wouldn't trade Jack as a brother for anyone. Not even who I used to know him as.

I told him I would need time to think about it because maybe he's known for a long time but I'd only had a few seconds. That definitely isn't the worst thing to say, but I wish it could have been written with more empathy and compassion. I wish I had told him I love him no matter what and asked him to help me understand his situation more. I wish I had known more about what being a transgender person meant so I could have helped him more. 

I wish for many things, but I'm very grateful that I am where I'm at today.

Jack was a HUGE source of comfort and answers when I needed it after I finally came out to him. We had some rocky years mostly before he came out to me as we grew up as teenagers. We didn't just have our hormones uncontrollably flowing through our bodies but also had to deal with being gay and being a transgender person which resulted in an incredible amount of teenage sibling fights between us and our relationship struggled for a long time. 

In 2017 I asked Jack for help finding a therapist for abuse that happened to me, what I call a rejection complex, and then also for being gay. He didn't flinch at the sudden news and said that of course he would help me. We discussed a few therapists in Utah County and he would give opinions of people he had worked with. He even helped me avoid one who is homophobic. At the end, I looked at Jack and asked what his thoughts were on me being in the church even though I am gay. The church had been a sore spot between us in the past and at this moment I had no idea what he was thinking of me being active in the church.

He said, "Dallin, if that's what makes you happy, why would I take that away from you?"

That philosophical sentence has been one of the most powerful things that Jack has told me and it has impacted my life and how I treat others.

I have had a few opportunities to talk to other transgender people besides my brother and they are some of the kindest people I have met. 

I'm going to be honest about how horrible I was. I refused to call Jack by his name for a while behind his back. I finally came around on my mission. I look back at that person and I feel disgusted. I feel full of shame. It makes me want to vomit.

I could have driven my brother to ending his life. I could have caused him to feel ostracized from his brother and family who he desperately needed the most. I probably did for a while. I almost missed out on the love and support that he gives me that nobody else on this earth has been able to give. There wouldn't be able to be someone I could openly be myself, a homosexual person around, until I was finally comfortable to be out in the open.

All things in hindsight right?

Wrong. 

I need to change things now so I don't keep doing that to others and he has been one of many to help me down that path.

I have learned that the best people to answer questions to certain subjects are those who actually live with it. That's how I can best learn about what it is like for other people in their lives. I try to leave conversations and weigh what others have said to me. Maybe I don't believe the same things, but I can accept that their truth is the truth to them.

Those who are gay can most accurately describe the situations we are in.

Those who are Muslim can most accurately describe how their lives are.

Those who are transgender people can most accurately describe what their lives are like.

You should get to tell your own story so why shouldn't others?

I love to tell the story about my brother and I. One a gay christian man, the other an atheist transgender man and know that despite their differences, the greatest part of having each other as brothers is that we love each other unconditionally. 

It's possible to love people even if you don't understand their situations. My brother and our relationship are two of the greatest gems I hold dearest to my heart. He's a wonderful example to me and he has taught me so much. 

Try loving someone with all your heart and watch the beauty unfold right in front of your eyes.

4 out of 5 siblings celebrating Jack and Kylie 's (my favorite) wedding.

Questions:

What are Dallin's thoughts as a religious person?

My thoughts are that there is much we don't know. We need to be patient as we try to figure things out and there are many things to figure out. I don't believe God makes mistakes. I believe he gives us many opportunities to challenge the way we think and that maybe, just maybe, other's truth is a truth we haven't discovered yet.

I don't understand what it's like to be a transgender person. People might say there are only two genders, that God doesn't make mistakes and everyone born in their body is exactly male or female. My request to them is to explain then the situation of Intersex people. Being a transgender person and an Intersex person is NOT the same. As we gain more knowledge, we learn there is much to know.

My thoughts is that God will explain everything, but until that point we are to follow the two great commandments.

Matthew 22: 36-40

36 Master, which is the great commandment in the law?

37 Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord they God with all thy heart, and with all they soul, and with all my mind.

38 This is the first and great commandment.

39 And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.

40 On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.

What should I do if  someone tells me they think they are transgender or that they are transgender?

Listen! If someone says they are still figuring things out, tell them you're here to talk to if they need and whatever they decide that you will respect that decision.

Take time to learn about how difficult the situation for them might be and how scary it might have been for them to talk to you about it.

You talked about Intersex people. What does that mean? Where can I learn about that?

Here is a website by the Intersex Society of North America: http://www.isna.org/faq/what_is_intersex

They have answers to many questions. If I find sources that I feel might be more reliable in the future, I will add more or change information so people can better understand. 

Resources To Use

I've been asked multiple times of what resources there are for LGBTQ+ individuals. I've been compiling a list of resources that I personally know of. The Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints doesn't really have a lot, but I have included something they do.

My momma and me. 

These resources will not remove homosexual feelings/Same-Sex Attractions or any feelings of being a Transgender person/experiencing gender dysphoria.

These resources should not be expected to be a "cure-all" and that you'll be 100% happy in all of your life if you use them.

Your greatest resource is accepting you might not know everything and that everyone worth more than any piece of money through all countries and cultures.

These are resources that, for the most part, I personally have used and enjoyed. They are resources that have helped me in accepting myself, helping others accept and understand me (as much as possible that is), and helped me make a lot of caring friends.

I will expand this list as I continue to find more resources and if I feel that they are helpful. 

Groups:

North Star International.

https://northstarlds.org

North Star is an LGBTQ+/LDS group.

There is an FHE group from North Star I've had the luck and blessing to frequently attend. I loved the feelings of camaraderie, peace, and friendship. There are also many discussions on the Facebook group they have. I will say that it can tend to be more of a conservative group. They are very protective about identities since there are people in that group who haven't come out yet.

Blogs:

Ben has done many blogs, podcasts, and more.

These are two personal blogs I've read and have helped put my feelings into words. They are great resources for those who are in the LGBTQ+ community as well as those outside trying to learn more.

Ben Schilaty

When I finally started reading Ben's blog, it was a huge weight off my shoulders. He had a way to put my feelings into words and I've enjoyed reading what he has to say.

http://thegayrm.blogspot.com/

Tristan is a friend of mine and I've enjoyed reading his blog posts and thoughts.

Websites:

https://mormonandgay.lds.org

This pretty much is, as far as I've seen, the only real resource The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has provided. They answer questions, clarify that God loves all his children, and speaks on how we should treat others.

http://www.listenlearnandlove.org/

Richard Ostler helped create this website as a resource for Latter-day Saint's who are LGBTQ+ people. There are blogs, podcasts, events and more.

https://ldsvoicesofhope.org/

LDS Voices of hope was very helpful for me soon after I came out. There are videos and stories that really helped me feel that I wasn't alone.

Books:

"That We May Be One" By Tom Christofferson

I had a chance to get an early copy of this book and I can say it's quite amazing. It is more, per my opinion, for non LGBTQ+ people though.

"In Quiet Desperation" By Ty Mansfield

I haven't had the opportunity to read this book yet, but I have been told it's amazing.

Therapists:

I just want to make sure that I clarify I am not being paid to recommend these therapists. Not all therapists are perfect for everyone and I recommend you find the one who best works with you.

Roy Bickel-Therapist at Aspen Counseling Services in American Fork, Utah.

Roy was actually my therapist and he helped me so much with a variety of subjects. His understanding of the struggles that come with being gay were expounded upon while I went to him and he's a great listener.

Alan B. Hansen-Therapist in Provo, Utah

Alan was recommended to me as someone who is good, but I personally have not met him.

Blake Fisher-BYU Therapist.

I've met Blake once and I can confirm he's a really kind man. He is a therapist at BYU (Provo).

http://connectionscs.com/

Before I was public about being gay, a good friend was recommending therapists to me and recommended this group. He has gone and said they were very helpful to him.

Suicide numbers:

https://www.thetrevorproject.org

The Trevor Project has trained counselors available 24/7. A lot of focus is for youth, but I've heard they have helped so many. If you are suicidal, please give them a call.

For Family and Friends

Facebook group: I'll Walk With You.

My father is part of this facebook group he's really enjoyed being a part of. While it is harder for those who are LGBTQ+, there is still a lot of confusion for those who are the parents and want to know what's best to do and say. You'll find many parents who have been where you are and some are at the exact same place. You can search for the group, but members are kept private.