What's In A Name?

In one of my favorite book series "The Inheritance Cycle" I have found some lessons that have been very important to me. One of these lessons involve the Forsworn. The basics of the book series is about the main characters Eragon and Saphira (Human rider and the Dragon) and their journey trying to take down an evil dragon rider king who is causing havoc and death throughout the land. Part of the recent history of this fantasy world includes the Forsworn. They were dragon riders and, following the commands of this evil king Galbatorix, started to destroy and exterminate all other dragon riders, their partner dragons, and wild dragons under no magical bond. There were 13 of them and sought to be the only ones with dragons.

This world involves magic which can be manipulated and dragons, wild or having a rider, have great access to that magic and can sometimes use it to obtain feats that many magicians would never be able to. When the non-Forsworn dragons realized what was going on, they combined their powers and in an inexplicable feat of magic, stripped the Forsworn dragons of their names and ability to describe themselves.

The spell included things like names, birth names, true names (long story but it's part of the series), creature name, and any other kind of identity. Any attempt at describing themselves created an identity with labels and the moment they did, it became nothing. It was non-existent and there was no way for them to use it anymore. For example, because of the spell, the dragons couldn't say "I like to eat sheep," or "I am the color green" because that would be describing, or rather, giving a name for themselves.

The spell was so terrible that at least five of the thirteen dragons and even several of their dragon riders went mad as a result.

As all labels and identities were ripped away by the magic, there was nothing left but mindless savages who had no thought of their own left to be victims of survival.

Last year I went out with a group of friends for dinner. I was the 5th wheel to two male and female couples. We had good food and were having good discussions about life. One of the wives had taken an interest in me coming out and had so many deep, profound, and authentic questions. As the conversation went on, the husband of said wife looked at me and asked why we need a label. He asked why I had to identify as a gay member of the church. He told me that his only experience with gay men was when he and his brother were teenagers and the gay men across the street tried to seduce them to come over and do certain things with them. As he shared his story, he seemed upset and ready to have an argument.

Cody, Iesha, and I got matching sunglasses. We feel quite fabulous

The feeling of fight or flight flooded my body. I was ready to retort with a comment that finally a straight man might have come close to the feeling of a woman when men relentlessly make unwanted advances. I decided to keep my mouth shut. I personally hate confrontation unless necessary. With such anger in those eyes, I also knew that there wasn't anything I could say that could make a change in his heart at that moment. He was speaking his truth that he knew and that was all he knew at the moment.

Why does anyone have labels and why do the LGBTQ+ people get to claim our labels if we want to. Why do I get to be happy to have the title of a man who is gay and also be happy to have the title of being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints?

First and foremost, the definition of "label" that I am talking about is "a descriptive or identifying word or phrase."

I have had the desire to feel grounded and understand who I am and I feel most if not all humans do as well. To have an identity is to have a strength and confidence to move forward on who you are. I don't enjoy the feeling of lack of control where I get tossed like a leaf in a whirlwind. We as humans desire the ability to control and not feeling that control can drive us to various reactions. When a group of people decide to take control from others and put them in a label where they don't fit, it can have negative results. Regardless if it's for their own understanding, it doesn't work out well in the end.

Labeling has shaped our world and entire human experience.

How would we know who the Romans were if there was nothing to define themselves? Who are the Greeks, the Vikings, the Mongols, or Americans without a label to define who they are. With no name, no identity, and eventually no purpose, there would have been no connection to become a people of great influence.

Would we have religions? Would we have government parties? Prejudice? If there was no label or difference for Tutsis and Hutus in Rwanda, would they have had reason enough to fuel a genocide in 1994 leaving between 500,000 to 1,074,17 dead? What is crying? What is laughing? Would we know the difference between a Lion and a Leopard? What is a tree? How about a tornado? Pop music? Russia? A chair? Would we be able to say that you like dogs if you didn't know what it was? Can you imagine not having a favorite food? Which medicine would we take when we were sick? What is joy? What is sadness?

Nothing would have meaning.

Sydney and me. I'm so blessed to call her my friend.

What if someone demanded that a wild Grizzly Bear in front of them be labeled how a Teddy bear is defined therefore it has no danger because they think the meaning isn't what it actually is. Well..... You're probably gonna die because that label and definition that you claim it to have, was unfortunately incorrect.

Now, to get to my point of this blog post. In Wikipedia, Labeling theory is the theory of how the self-identity and behavior of individuals may be determined or influenced by the terms used to describe or classify them. It says, "There is a labeling theory that corresponds to homosexuality. Alfred Kinsey and his colleagues were the main advocates in separating the difference between the role of a homosexual and the acts one does. An example was that there was an idea that a male doing "feminine" acts is easily gay."

For many people, the understanding that the label "gay" means that there is a correlated action which is promiscuity. In reality, the label "gay" describes, and only describes, the attraction that a person has and who it is to. The same gender. The label "straight" means you are attracted to someone of the opposite gender.

Defining labels to others who are not similar to you is a dangerous game that builds false confidence. It can lead you down a path that makes you feel you understand who they are and what their life entails. By choosing what you think makes someone good, bad, broken, whole, and more, results in misunderstanding and contention will eventually manifest.

When I think of "labels," I think of stickers. When I think of "label stickers", I think of the picture book called, "You Are Special." If you haven't read it, the story-line is of a township of wooden people who go around and put stickers on each other. You're given a star if you do something awesome and you're given a nasty olive green circle if you fail at something. If you can do a back flip without failing, they give you a star. If you mess up the back flip, you're given a circle. Sometimes you get more stars because you have a lot of stars or you get more circles if you have a lot of circles. Everyone goes around judging each other as a vital part of their daily routine. The main character, Punchinello, is feeling down because he keeps getting circles when he wants to get stars. That sounds like us wanting to get attention for doing something flawlessly right? The desire for attention so we don't feel isolation is a powerful feeling. Punchinello meets a wooden girl who doesn't have any stickers on her at all. When someone tries to put a star or a circle on her, the sticker just falls off. He asks her how she does it and she refers him to "the maker." He goes and meets the maker who says that Punchinello is special and was made to be exactly how he is. He was not made to be something he wasn't. He wasn't supposed to be someone who could do amazing back flips or cook a steak to perfection (medium thank you very much). As Punchinello walks away from the wood shop where the maker works, you see a sticker fall off.

We give each other labels all the time. Cool, weird, tall, short, mentally challenged, fun, awesome, social butterfly, okay, annoying, easy to be around, level-headed, prideful, humble, hater, lazy, smart,  and so many more. Some labels can change. One can go from mediocre artist to amazingly talented. One can go from insufferable to quite attractive. One can go from good friend to enemy. Labels can be thrown around as quickly as a 4 year old denying an incoming phone call so they can keep watching youtube. If you're not familiar with how fast it is, it's about the same as the speed of light.

One of my labels is gay. I have many labels and people who know me or even know of me will label me with different things. Annoying, kind, friendly, stupid, arrogant, good listener, stubborn, funny, cool, popular, weird, and more. Those labels have definitely been correct in many ways and at different times have applied. Other labels I have, which are ones I love the most, are uncle, son, brother, friend, gay, member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and son of God. The last one is especially a favorite of mine.

Some labels can be temporary. Some are determined by how others view of you. To quote Glinda from the play Wicked, "Are people really born wicked? Or is wickedness thrust upon them?" I don't know about all situations, labels, and "ways of being" staying permanent. I believe that my ulcers will one day not be there and I can be stomach-acid free for an eternity. Man I cannot WAIT for that day! I won't have a label of "weaker gastrointestinal system." The whole idea of being gay or not in the afterlife is a subject I'm not really willing to tackle with most people. The reason behind that is because most people who want to talk about it have an idea in their mind and refuse to listen to anything else.

My reasoning is that we just don't know so it's obviously not that important. If it was, we would be given the exact details. Who knows how the judgement to determine our final destination is going to be. Each seminary teacher told me something different. You sit down in front of a TV and watch your good actions and then you sit in shame as you watch all the bad things. Another said it's like a court hearing. Another said it just kinda magically goes poof and you're either with God or you're not.

I want to sit down with my Heavenly Father and Savior and just be with them. I want to laugh, talk, good cry, bad cry, hug, maybe cry some more, and even get my questions answered. However, that's just a wish and I have no idea if such a reunion will really happen.

Catsitting these two was quite a treat. 

I'm okay with the idea that one day I will find my answers. I don't need to hear how I'll be straight in the next life. I don't want to hear confused exclamations on how my feelings of the future don't align with someone else's. Why do we, the LGBTQ+ community, have to have a label? We don't have to have a label just as much as others don't have to have labels. Having my labels help me know who I am and I feel cemented down. I have a greater strength knowing with a certainty who I am so I can continue moving on into the future with enough hope to try to create a better world.

If you didn't have the label or identity of straight, how would you know who you were attracted to?

The word "gay" has evolved to mean different things in different parts of the society. In The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, it was once taught that "being gay" meant you were going out and being sexually active with someone of the same sex. It was taught that it was a sinful choice and that it was an addiction like unto drugs. That continued for quite a while. The Church's current stance is that, "the experience of same-sex attraction is a complex reality for many people. The attraction itself is not a sin, but acting on it is. Even though individuals do not choose to have such attractions, they do choose how to respond to them."

So, by being gay it only means you are attracted to the same gender. Not everyone uses that specific label and say they have same-sex attraction or are same-sex attracted. Neither identity diminishes from the other, but they mean the same thing so there is no point to tell someone they are required to identify as one or the other. I have a friend who is Korean. I don't tell him he needs to identify as "Oriental" because it better fits my needs and is more explanatory of where he's really from.

The idea that there is a "gay lifestyle" that surmises the entire actions and desires of all those who are homosexuals, are gay, have same-sex attraction is an uneducated claim just as saying that the "straight lifestyle" means that all straight people are all doing the exact same things and every single action is holy and accepted by God.

The same goes for the "Trans lifestyle." There is no way that you can describe the lifestyle of transgender people as all the same.

You can see how that logic doesn't work for an all-encompassing label for straight people, gay people, Transgender people, and more. I don't want to take away your labels that you use for yourself. I don't want to inhibit you. I also don't want you to label me incorrectly because that's what someone said.

Best ministering companion and best ministering method. 

My being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is what defines what church I belong to and that is it. It does not decree who I am as a human being. It does not state how I treat others. Not all Latter-Day saints or all atheists, all Catholics, or all 7th Day Adventists are exactly the same.

Labels that we give others will affect them. Labels we give ourselves will affect us. How we treat the labels we give will affect who the label is attached to. Discovering how someone positively labels themselves and seeing their soul open up, even if it's a little, is one of the most beautiful experiences to witness. When you talk to someone in the way they wish to be talked to, the weight that's lifted off is another awe-inspiring thing to experience.

When we use labels to put down, destroy, exclude, make others feel lesser than, and other negative reasons, we are using our demolishing ability towards others. Damaging others has never brought true healing or happiness of the soul.

Where I work, I have learned about so many kinds of physical and mental disabilities that I am constantly reminded about how much I truly don't know about the mental and physical strains that people go through on a daily basis. From learning about Cataplexy to Conversion Disorder to Syringomyelia, there is so much that people go through. It also takes time to learn about what people go through and it really is worth that time.

The best way to learn about what another's hard times, easy times, and the many pieces that put them together is to ask the ones who go through it. I can guarantee in most cases, they will know better than you if you don't have those same pieces.

The stickers and labels can be beautiful. Our words can be beautiful.

Labels are beautiful and needed. They shape who we are and how we experience life. Some are temporary, some are permanent. They are different and that's how it's supposed to be. All we need to do is try to understand the true meanings behind them instead of decide what we think they should mean.

My favorite color is blue.

I'm attracted to men.

I am a child of God.

Finding My Space Of Belonging- My First Year Being Out

"Because being gay is a sin just like smoking cigarettes."

As that comment was made in Sunday School, almost an entire year flashed before my eyes.

I remembered that very moment Heavenly Father responded. I remember where I was on the road as I drove to David's Institute performance. I remember the entire shock go through my body and soul at the recognition of an answer. It was only then that I wondered if I should have kept my mouth shut and not have asked Heavenly Father once again when he wanted me to come out. I still remember the handful of people I texted saying that I was coming out that night and how most gave full support and love.

I remember that despite my fears and anxiety, there was a calming and strengthening presence in my heart and at my side. The spirit does miraculous things.

Classy is the best snuggle buddy around.

After getting home from the institute performance, I wrote what I wanted to share. What I thought I would share was a lot longer than what I actually posted. It had previously included frustration and some bitterness. I trashed the original post and rewrote it. It wasn't good or helpful. I had seen enough anger in the world and I didn't need more or want to add to it. I finally typed up what I really wanted to write. Before I shared my post on Facebook, I knew I wanted to come out to one more person. I called him, but he didn't answer. A few minutes later I called again and I knew if he didn't answer, he'd just have to find out later. He answered this time and after coming out and discussing some things, he told me that he wasn't even going to answer the second call, but had a prompting that he should. It was another blessing that showed me I was on the right path. With that last person in my corner, I posted the biggest secret of my life. It is the most vulnerable and scariest post I have ever made. With Heavenly Father on my side holding my hand, I opened myself to everyone about who I am. I stepped into the light.

I stepped into a new world.

There have been things I have learned in the last year that have affected me greatly.

1) There are more LGBTQ+ people who are also members of The Church of Jesus Christ than I could have ever imagined. My eyes were opened more to all in my rainbow community, but there were more people than I expected who are choosing to stay and that was a comfort. I felt like Tarzan and I finally found the strangers like me after living among those who, while similar, could never fully understand my life. I almost felt torn between the two essential parts of my life until I let go of the feeling that I had to decide between both. I realized I could participate in both worlds and be happy. I could make my own space and be happy there even if others found their happiness elsewhere. Others who had gone before me had taken many paths and I was able to see that I could choose whatever I wanted. I still can. Those of us LGBTQ+ in the church are a small percentage and those who are out are in an even smaller percentage. As time goes on, more and more are coming out and staying in the church. The world is getting to see more of us as well.

2) I still care but don't care about people's decisions to stay or leave the church. I have found my happiness and peace in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, but I know that there are many others who don't find it there and I get it. I'm not going to tell someone how to live their life because I don't want others to tell me how to live mine. I care immensely that people get to make their decisions and they should be able to follow up with those decisions as long as they are not causing direct harm to others. I believe before coming to earth that we fought for our ability to make our own decisions so we should not take that away from people. Being religious or not does not determine the capability to be loved and treated with basic human respect.

I love my time with the Gurrs!

3) God prepared me and prepared others for me to come out. I can only imagine how my experience would have been completely different if I had come out to people who were not ready to love me. If Sister Gurr had not been prepared for my coming out, she might not have pulled me into a big hug and telling me she still loved me and was proud of me. Mark Allan would not have known as a YSA bishop to tell me the first thing was that he loved me as tears were pouring down both our eyes as I finally opened my soul to a religious leader. Kyle and Spencer, brothers in my ward, never hesitated to show love and desire to be my friend. God prepared me to know the right people to come out to. People who would love me and would treat me with respect.

4) Being gay has more beauty than I could have imagined and there is much to learn and navigate. Being gay isn't negative, despicable or anything bad. It's a part of life. It comes with struggles. It comes with blessings. It's just like any other part of someone's life. There are lessons from being gay both good and bad. It's not scary. It just is. It's just a part of existence and there is so much to learn. In every nook and cranny of the world, there is something to learn and I can keep learning about homosexuality in all its truth.

5) I wouldn't say that I learned this, but I was reminded and the whole aspect grew stronger in me. This isn't about gays versus not gays. This isn't about gays versus religion. It's about all of us versus destruction. It's about not letting evil sink into our hearts and letting the ability to listen, empathize, and make decisions about what we have learned be in control. We are all on the same team. We all want to make life better for the world. We want peace and happiness. We want to make sense of all that doesn't make sense. We want our problems to go away. We want to find our space and feel good enough. Unfortunately, sometimes our views of peace and happiness or problems don't coincide with each other and arguments arise. Our truths collide and there can be separations. Disagreements and opinions become more important than people to be loved and truth to be found. Control is used to influence others and force one's beliefs as rules for others. Differing opinions aren't always bad though. They are what help us grow and learn. Sometimes certain ideals, goals, or beliefs can be chosen to remain the same and still love another person regardless of the outcome of a discourse. You can also choose to respect and not impinge on other's lives, but learn to love and let alone what isn't as important as love. We can live in peace and harmony with each other.

Gotta celebrate National Unicorn day with a Unicorn cupcake!

I officially came out of the closet on April 15th, 2018 at 9:30 PM. I still have to "come out" all the time to other people who ask and wonder about me. I do not want to wear a ginormous sign with glitter and fireworks saying, "This guy is a homosexual!" I do however enjoy the freedom of being able to talk about my sexuality with such freedom. I listen to straight people talk about things that involve their sexuality all the time so I'm glad many do not impinge on my ability to talk about something that is also a major role of my life.

I recently became friends with a guy who is working with me on some plans we're executing in the next few months to build safer spaces for LGBTQ+ people. He's straight and he's working on something positive for us LGBTQ+. Granted, many straight people are positive towards us, but this guy is a little bit better than most in my opinion. He doesn't just want a safe, loving, and welcome environment for LGBTQ+ people. He's actually doing something about it. Brandon takes every step with a pensive thought. I can tell that he truly tries to think about all variables. He doesn't want to make mistakes and tries to deduce which way is the best. I've never felt different around him because I'm gay. I feel that he gives my opinions on LGBTQ+ matters at a higher level because I'm the one who experiences it. The actions that he is taking gives me hope and I am lucky to call him my friend. I had a little more one on one time with him yesterday and getting to hear more about the things his life has given him, I respect him even more. The kindness and peace he carries in his presence makes me trust the world more.

My entire year has had its ups and downs. I'm still learning to be grateful for the downs. It's a work in progress.

Granted, I'm a work in progress too.

Recently in my YSA ward during Sunday School we had a girl who brought up homosexuality. A friend of hers had always been frustrated about the church's stance on gays. She didn't know I'm gay. He was upset how it was taught that God didn't accept gays and nobody could truly respond to his questions so he left the church. She explained how she tried to respond to him. It was kind of rocky, but nothing incorrect was said. I happened to be on the front row and the moment she said the word "gays" I could instantly feel the tension and could feel many eyes on me. I am the only gay member who is out in our ward and I am very open about it. The Sunday School teacher decided to add to her comment. I had chatted with this teacher only once before and he hadn't come very often to our ward. I suspected he didn't know that I was gay, out, and (obviously) still in the church. As he was finishing, his last comment was, "Because being gay is a sin just like smoking cigarettes."

*Insert nervous chuckle/giggle*

Before that last statement, I had no plans to make a comment. If someone else had made a comment, that would have been nice. However the moment he said that last sentence, I felt it was my prerogative to speak up. As usual whenever I'm feeling a need to make a comment that could bring contention or bear a testimony, adrenaline will spike. When that happens, my voice can shake and sound like I am going to cry. I have small tremors in my hands and that gets worse. What was  comforting for me though was I knew people in that room were not okay with what was just said. I felt like I had backup and I raised my hand. 

I started off by saying, "I just want to clarify." I then talked about how being gay isn't the sin, but acting on homosexual feelings is the sin as defined by God. As I had started to clarify, the teacher had realized what his mistake was and you could see it on his face. I then said, "I am gay and I am still a part of the church." I continued and said that a straight couple doing anything sexual outside of the bonds of marriage is also a sin so sexual laws don't only apply to gays. I testified that I know God loves his LGBTQ+ children and we can all have the ability to testify that He does. I know He loves me and there isn't anyone who can tell me different and it be true.

First time at Loveloud and I loved it!

The teacher once again apologized. I said it was okay and waved it off. My adrenaline was still going and I was just ready for it all to be over. The teacher is a good man who made a mistake. I felt immense waves of God's love for him and I had forgiven him the moment those words had left his mouth. As we moved on, I checked my phone. I had three texts from people in the class thanking me for my comment and for saying something. One just said, "You're the man." The girl next to me laid her head on my shoulder for a few seconds and the guy on my right patted my arm. I responded to the texts and thanked them for texting me. When the lesson ended, I went right up to the teacher and pulled him into a big hug. I told him I was okay and I wasn't upset. The girl who made a comment also came up and said she hoped she didn't say anything offensive. I told them both they were okay and I wasn't angry. They both looked so relieved.

I felt great. Adrenaline was still taking its toll, but I felt amazing. 

I wasn't shot down. I wasn't told that I'm a sinner. I wasn't told to get out. I was listened to. I was able to speak freely about my homosexuality in Sunday School. I was at peace.

It got better.

We had munch and mingle that day and throughout the next hour I had around 15 people thank me for my comment. A boyfriend and girlfriend came up to me and started talking to me about what happened. They have been extra super supportive and loving towards me ever since they knew about me being gay. When we were done talking, they both pulled me in for a hug and it felt so good and safe. They expressed how happy they are having me there and they thanked me for saying something. Others made comments about how they're glad I said something because some people still believe that being gay is a sin. So many expressed gratitude and love. A few people said they would fight by my side if needed. I tried to express to everyone not to be a problem to the teacher because he is just as imperfect as I am and I didn't want him to be harassed. 

I love my YSA ward so much.

I was on cloud nine. In less than a year, I had helped a ward understand that being gay wasn't a sin. Having a man open about his homosexuality and still be active in the church of Jesus Christ wasn't actually scary. They became protective. They are grateful. We have all felt friendship. I am so lucky to have my ward. I heavily rely on them and they haven't failed.

With Dad at a BYU football game! 

I have come so far in one year. I have been able to help many in this year and there are plans in the near future so I can help create safer spaces. I'll be giving opportunities for others to see that the LGBT subject isn't scary. It just is a subject of life. Right now I feel we are all part of a dysfunctional family and I'm trying to change that. I just want everyone to become the greatest family we've ever seen. I want there to be a feeling of belonging and happiness together. You know what I mean. Like when friends surround a campfire and are so happy just to be with each other. Or when you're relaxing on a nice green lawn after lunch at a family reunion under a tree on a beautiful sunny day. That's what I want for all humanity. I want the peaceful and wholeness one feels when everything is juuuust right. 

A good friend in my elder's quorum presidency recently texted me letting me know that if I ever needed, he was there for me. He told me that the ward loves me and my talents. He told me that while he's empathetic, he can't begin to imagine how it would be to walk in my shoes. 

The conversation we had is a very special one to me.

I have another friend who is gay, but isn't out. He's finding his own way and I'm really grateful I get to be part of his journey. He and I were chatting with a mutual friend one day about me and being gay and in the church. She had lots of questions. She didn't know about him, but he got to listen as we talked about me being out. She asked me what it was like being out and how it's been. I talked about how great it was, how I've joined a few great groups, and I've made a lot of great friends who are also gay and in the church. As I finished talking about my friends, he opened his arms in a "ta-dah" motion coming out to her. She was shocked for half a second and then pulled him in for the biggest hug she could muster. We talked with her and her husband and they both expressed so much love for him. I almost cried watching it all happen.

I did cry later. I kept thinking of something he said, "I never knew how much love I was missing out on by being in the closet." I was so happy he got to talk to people who loved him.

For me being out has been freeing and has given me more opportunities to hone my gifts, express my love for my Savior at a deeper level, and serve with greater vulnerability and honesty. I can be me. I am forging my own path. I have claimed my own space and I'm trying to make space for others like me if they want it.

My first year was amazing.

I am so happy that I've been able to be, well, me.

The Ranches YSA Ward

Recently our Elders quorum in our young single adult ward restarted what they call, "Warrior's Council." It's a weekly meeting that they started to help build unity and give support to grow in self-mastery. The book that we would be focusing on was, "Like Dragons Did They Fight." That book was written for addictions with pornography, but we discuss about self-mastery in general, coming together as a support group, and being there for each other. We meet every Tuesday and we discuss parts of the book with each other. It is an incredibly humbling and strengthening experience to attend. At first I was skeptical. I was going more for a support group, but could these young men really support me and listen to me being gay? The weeks leading up to a specific meeting I was in a dip with my depression and I felt alone and not cared about. We read the beginning of chapter 1 titled, "The Pain."

"You have tried everything. You are not stupid. You have decent self-discipline in almost all other areas in your life. You know better. It is not like someone has to motivate you to stop your misbehavior. You have hated it from the beginning... and still... it comes back again and again and again. It is almost impossible to talk to anyone about it. No one is going to understand. They are just going to tell you what you already know - it is bad to do and you should stop or you are 'going to Hell.'

For a while, you have maintained hope. You have succeeded before in other things and you believed you could succeed again. You have been a problem solver and you thought you could solve this one also. But... it's not working this time. You have begun to withdraw from those who would be disappointed if they knew. you have begun crossing things off of your list of goals for your future, important things like serving a mission and getting married in the temple. As a coping mechanism for your shame, you might be questioning your faith or looking for ways to find fault in what you've always known and accepted to be true. You have started rationalizing.

You may also think there's something fundamentally wrong with you, you are defective, cursed, or must have been 'bad' in the pre-existence. You could lie about your struggles like so many others do and get away with it. However, you have lied before, and it only made things worse. Now you avoid those who will be disappointed and/or judgmental. You catch yourself doing things to get others to leave you alone."

Spencer and I went to a Basketball game and had a lot of fun!

Reading it was difficult for me as it reached into my current pain and depression and also the shame, doubts, and pain I have felt ever since I started realizing I was gay. As we read, it felt like my metaphorical heart was being squeezed and I couldn't breathe. Reading these words brought these feelings to the surface and tears almost started pouring out of my eyes. As we finished the chapter, our Elders Quorum President Minwoo said he wanted us to think about how Satan uses our pain to make us feel discouraged, feel disparaged, or worse. All I could think about was my homosexuality. That, at the moment, was the greatest pain I was dealing with. Minwoo then said we were going to go around the room and talk about what we thought of. He then said we were going to start on my side and I was up first.

Just....great..... Most of the guys present had seen me in my upbeat attitudes about being gay and in the church. They heard me crack so many gay jokes, but could they see this side and still care? Could they actually hear my sorrows and pains and bear my burden with me? Could they show me love about being gay when I know this topic can be very scary and something that sparks fear or anger. I took the plunge and I spoke about my loneliness and feelings of isolation, how growing up gay in the church sucks, and how confused I can feel about my future because there isn't anything fully set and promised for those who are LGBT+ in the eternal scheme about our individual situations. I mentioned how a week before I had seen a member of our church say online that us gay people aren't going to be allowed in the Celestial Kingdom to live with God after we die.

I laid a lot of pain in front of them. Once again the tears threatened to spill. I was in pain but mostly I was nervous. How would they react?

Scott was sitting on my left and he put his hand on my shoulder. Minwoo said as I was talking he could feel the weight and pain. While he can't understand what it's like and feel things like I do, he said it hit him in the heart. They thanked me for sharing.

I was thanked for sharing my pain and anguish of being gay from other ward members.

I moved into the Ranches ward a year ago and I wondered if they would accept me when I came out. At the time I started attending that singles ward, I knew Heavenly Father wanted me to come out, so I wondered how they would react that I was gay and still chose to be a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Apparently I disappointed some women when I came out which makes me chuckle, but little by little, I had more and more people talking with me. They laughed at my jokes, they asked me questions, and they included me. They wanted to spend time with me. As more people moved into the ward or met me, they would soon learn about me and being gay, but they didn't care. They might not have known how to react, but they saw others be okay with it and they realized this wasn't that scary. My bishop and Elders Quorum President at the time, Mike, were amazing and were always open to talking and I loved talking. Granted, I still do love talking about it. It's therapeutic and they don't mind at all.

Trevor got to find out his Myer Briggs personality

Months down the road after coming out I was asked to give a talk about a favorite talk from the October General Conference. In Elder Dale Renlands talk, he talks about choosing who we need to serve. When that talk was given in General Conference, I strongly felt the spirit saying to think of all the blessings I had received because I chose God. It was a big boost for me and I wanted to share that in my talk. I approached my bishop who has always expressed a desire for the Savior to be the focus in all things, but especially in church. I asked him if he was okay for me to talk about being gay. He said he was totally okay with it. He said he trusted me to say what was right. That was huge.

The day came and I had lost my voice the week prior to my talk and I was still recovering. We had Sacrament last and I knew that my voice wasn't even close to being ready for a talk. I asked my bishop for a blessing during Sunday School and he promptly gave me that blessing which was full of love. I am incredibly blessed to have had this man as my bishop and as my friend. When my time came, I got up and while my voice didn't miraculously come back, I was able to give my talk with enough of a voice to share my message. I mentioned about how we all have difficulties and I listed off some of my own. At the end I mentioned how I was a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and I was gay. You could feel the tension. I laugh at it all the time because it felt like they were unsure of what I was going to say next. I told them that I love my Heavenly Father and you could feel the sigh of relief as I continued to bear my testimony.

After sacrament, I had many people thank me for speaking and sharing what I did. One girl ran up to me and hugged me as she sobbed into my shoulder. She told me that she needed to hear me talk that day and thanked me profusely for my talk. People who I had rarely talked to came up to me and thanked me for sharing what I did.

Even after my talk, I still had my doubts.

It was great that they could hear my talk and be grateful for my courage to share what I did, but would they really be able to handle the dark sides too? I talked about hope and blessings. What would they do when they encountered the other part? I've made jokes and talked about being gay openly where people can hear. They can see that' it's okay and that this isn't a scary topic, but they haven't seen the rough sides often, so what would I find in them when they saw that?

I found love.

I found love from so many members of the Ranches YSA. I'm not saying that I've found hate or unkindness from the other members, but I haven't been able to meet everyone. The people I have had the pleasure of interacting with have been so kind and patient as we all try to work through our lives and own difficulties.

Sister Dimond teaching us at FHE

One of my first questions was from a girl I worked with in my calling, Nikki. I told her that I had an LGBTQ+/LDS group that would meet for Family Home Evening every other month so I wouldn't be able to help on those days for our own ward FHE. As we were talking, she asked me, "Is it hard to be part of the church and be gay?" It was so full of sincerity and I could tell she wasn't asking with any guile. I responded that yes it is. I'm not going to say that all of it is hard because it isn't. That fact doesn't negate anything that can be hard though.

I want to brag SO MUCH about my ward. I can't believe that I can say, "I'm the resident gay of the ward" and they don't blink an eye. They nod and say, "Yeah it's true." Bene calls me her boo and makes me laugh more than anyone else in the ward. Kyle listens to me and takes everything I say and express at its face value making me feel valued and important. Brenna calls me her friend and always has the happiest smile accompanied by a hug for me. Straton always accompanies me and we've had many a movie night together. Spencer has been a great ministering brother and loves speaking Spanish with me. Every member of the bishopric is super kind and they even laugh at my jokes! One of the counselors asked me after an FHE activity that I was over if I got the hot chocolate from the closet. I was confused for a second and then realized he was talking about our ward supply closet. I explained I thought he was making a gay joke about getting it from "the closet." He, his wife, and two daughters thought that was pretty funny. These men who are over this ward, while mortal and make mistakes, are amazing and wonderful human beings.

They are a wonderful ward and you can tell they're trying to be better. They have their struggles too and they open up about what they also have to deal with. Every time they do, my love for them grows and we become more connected.

Our ward is growing in its capacity to be vulnerable with each other. We are getting better at understanding that vulnerability with each other creates connection. We are building a safer environment where we are allowed to be imperfect. We are finding joy in the journey and peace in our problems. Our fellow ward members are our equals and we help each other raise our shields against the torrents of life.

You cannot have a Christ-like ward until you have charity and we in the Ranches YSA are working our way there.

At Warriors Council 

The Ranches Young Single Adult ward is 100% full of broken and imperfect vessels. It is 100% full of human beings who make mistakes all the time. There is not one person in our ward who hasn't done something wrong, but we are trying our best to become better. We are learning that we do not want to go fast or go alone. We want to go far by going together.

I wish all wards could be like the Ranches ward. I wish all wards could understand we need each other and that everyone is important. Every single person can create magic and miracles. We can unlock every person's potential if we are all united. I wish all LGBTQ+ people who want to stay in the church could find a ward like mine. I wish they could see that there are people who will love, support, and defend them. They are ready to protect and fight. There are many people who are learning and are willing to listen. There are many good changes in the world and I've found some of them by moving to Eagle Mountain, Utah.

Be like the Ranches YSA. Learn to rise together.

Things you can do as a ward to be like the Ranches for an LGBTQ+ person/member.

Remember this isn't about sides

This isn't a "Gays vs Straights and the Church" kind of thing. This isn't us vs you. This is us working together as a family. This is about being an eternal family and growing together. This kind of discussion has been such a touchy subject that we all have to be careful and kind. Every single human wants love. We want to feel welcome just the same as you do. We are able to learn from you and you are able to learn from us, so we can be different but of the same mind and goals.

Ask sincere questions

I cannot express the level of importance for this. Ask us kind questions that are sincere and honest. Please don't ask us inappropriate things you don't want us asking you. If you don't understand, that's 100% okay, just let us know and have a desire to listen and understand. There are many realms of this subject you might not understand and you have questions. That's great! I love answering good, honest, kind, and sincere questions because it bridges gaps and expands understanding.

Listen

Our stories are hard and we need people who are willing to listen to us and not discount our pain or hardships. We have good things in our stories too! We go through good and bad times like you and need to talk about both as well. Like I said in the last point, we have things to share that can help you understand life and even Heavenly Father more.

Remember the golden rule

We tell kids all the time that just because someone hit you, it doesn't mean you should hit back. Both sides are guilty of being unkind and saying inappropriate things. Both sides have people who haven't been willing to understand the other. I won't say that all LGBTQ+ individuals have been perfect, but neither have church members. You might be tempted to lash out in anger because of a few negative experiences, but remember one member or one missionary does not reflect the entire church and who they are. If you use that reasoning, it needs to go both ways.

Express love for that person to them

We're nervous about all of this too. We've had a lot of bad experiences and we are learning how to fit in. Feeling like someone cares about us makes us feel more at ease. If we feel welcome (like everyone should), we are excited and relieved. Nothing is better than being with those who truly love you.

Please don't shove any doctrine in our faces

We know what the doctrine is. We've heard it all our lives and it's caused a lot of pain and confusion.

In one of my singles wards, there was one girl who damned gays and said we were out to destroy her future marriage. She said that in the family proclamation it says man and woman (which it does), but then would go on and on about how gays were so bad. Yeah......that's not why the Family Proclamation was shared. The gospel has never been shared to be unkind or cruel. I get it, I really really do. I understand what God has said, but mud throwing from anyone isn't going to get us to where we need to be.

Let me love and praise the Savior as my Redeemer. He is my friend, brother, confidant, and Savior. I'm at church to worship and sing praises to his name.

Don't try to fix, but try to understand

I feel that's pretty self explanatory, but don't tell us things like how life will be better after death. That's a no no area. I don't need to find the right girl to be happy. You don't have to find the right girl to be happy. I don't need you worrying about fixing me because of something you don't understand or experience. I do need you doing your best to be kind and maybe while you can't understand exactly how I feel, reflect on how we might feel and how difficult that could be.

Let us love and serve you

We love you! We want to be your friends. We want to see you succeed. We are so happy when something good happens to you. When we are able to serve you, we love you more because that's what happens when we serve each other. Our love grows and we become more like Christ. You deserve love too and we're so ready to give it to you!

Remember that God loves all of His children, and that includes you

You are important. You are amazing. You are special too! We can all be special in our own way and we should be known for our good things, not our bad. I am always constantly reminded of how much I love my friends and how important every single person is. The more we all understand about how important we are and how important everyone else is, we take one more step towards charity which we need or it will be for naught. You are smart. You are amazing. You are more than your difficulties. You are beautiful.

Mom, I'm Gay

I had to utter those words twice because the first time I said them, I didn't say them clearly enough and so again I said, "Mom, I'm gay."

What did my mom do? Shrug her shoulders and say, "okay!" 

Not exactly what I was expecting, but it was a good answer. To her, it didn't matter that I was gay. My question after her response was if she ever even suspected my homosexuality to which I was told, "No. I honored your choices for not rushing into a relationship with a girl right away and knew you'd figure it out at your own pace."

No mother is perfect, but I have seen that mine was perfectly placed into my life. We both have regrets, but that's in the past. All I can really think of is the times we'd race to the car to be first. I remember her giving up time with my dad during Christmas Eve so I wouldn't be alone. She adores my father and I know especially at that time she cherished any time she got with him. I was so excited to be with her and we watched Christmas movies together. She fell asleep in the first one but I didn't care. My mama was with me because she knew that nobody should be alone on Christmas Eve. 

One year my father was unemployed and people in our ward were consistently dropping off gifts. One time we got a ham and if you know me I L.O.V.E. ham especially when it's honey glazed (which in this case it was). I was so excited and ready to dig in but my mom started talking about who needed the ham more. You can imagine my face and if you can't, it wasn't a happy one. I was very upset at losing that ham. Years later I looked back and realized how good my mother was in that moment. When we needed help and received a blessing, she looked to see how she could help someone who was in greater need.

I remember as a child in elementary school that my mother taught me a lesson that became ingrained into my soul. She taught me to be kind and make people feel important. 

Most of my life I had the song for our Mother/Son dance picked out for my wedding reception. I remember the first time I fell in love with singing. She was playing the piano for the song, "How Do You Fall In Love?" by Alabama. She had me sing as she played. When we finished, she praised me up and down and said I sang so beautifully. She showed my voice off to my father who had just arrived at work. She was all giddy about her little boy and his beautiful voice. That song has always remained in my heart and mind. As of right now that dance at a wedding reception isn't going to happen, but I know my mother will always be proud of me and love me. 

Right after my mission, my parents had set up a temporary room for me since we were a very full house. I was put next to the bookcases with the binders of her memories from years ago. I got to learn about her dating experiences, interactions with my grandparents, and spiritual times with her Heavenly Father. I've always admired my mothers desire to follow Heavenly Father and her strength of faith and love for Him. I remember from one of her entries that in that day she had found my oldest brother locked in a bin and couldn't get out. Another brother that day had almost been hit by a car. She and my dad got in the car, my dad started the car and then turned on the radio. After a second my mother turned off the radio and said, "We need to thank Heavenly Father for today." I wasn't there but I can imagine the strong emotions of fear, gratitude, and love that she expressed to the omnipotent being who loves her dearly. 

Regardless of my mother having taught me many things about love and kindness by word and example, it was still scary to come out to her. 

The topic came up when the November policy was released early to the public. My parents had returned from a trip they'd been on and we were discussing our confusion and frustrations. I can't even remember how I got to the point where I felt it was like the climax of discussions on movies. I glanced at my dad and said, "Mom. I'm gay!" I guess I was too quiet or not clear enough because she said, "I'm sorry what?" She then clarified she didn't actually hear me and I had to repeat myself saying the top three words I had uttered only to a few others.

Ever since coming out to her, our relationship has grown tenfold. We are proud of each other and where the other has gone in our lives. She currently helps serve in the prison and also in the temple. It's always good to hear her share the stories that she is able to share. You can tell both of those callings have strengthened her and she loves serving her fellow brothers and sisters. To me, both the prison and the temple represent places where those who feel the lowest in life are. The spirit reaches to all whether they feel strong or they feel weak and my mother tries to help all she can.

I wish all mothers could accept their children the way mine accepts me. I wish all kids could get loving texts with the cute star and heart emojis that I get. I wish they could sit next to their mothers and have her rest her head on their shoulders knowing that she loves them. 

My mother knows that God will work through everything and make it all fair. She doesn't know why I am gay, but she knows God loves me. She knows he has protected me and has blessed me beyond belief. She knows He would guide me even if I wasn't part of the church. She knows He requires all of us to love each other even if it's difficult. She doesn't try to tell me that I need to keep trying to marry a woman. She doesn't tell me that I'm a sinner for being gay.

The saying, "love you then, love you still, always have, always will" describes who my mother is and how she treats me.

My mother is one of the biggest reasons I am who I am. If I've been kind to you, it's because she taught me to be kind. If you have enjoyed my giggles, it's because she taught me to laugh. If you had admired my strength, it's because I have seen her stand up against what is wrong even when she might be shaking on the inside. She taught me to not back down.

She taught me that I'm worth something special and even if I'm not worth it to others, I will always be worth it for her.

My mother and I want you to know that that saying also applies to you. You're worth something special even if you're not worth it to others. You will always be worth it for us.

Loving My Transgender Brother

I spent years in confusion and pain because of my sexuality. I spent time crying and wondering why I was the way I was. I wondered many times what my future held and many nights I felt very lonely. When my brother sent me an email in 2009 telling me that he was actually a male, I wish I'd been able to reach into my young teenage heart and pulled out the empathy I strongly yearned for from others to give him. I wish I'd taken time to actually listen and understand him more than I did. 

I wouldn't trade Jack as a brother for anyone. Not even who I used to know him as.

I told him I would need time to think about it because maybe he's known for a long time but I'd only had a few seconds. That definitely isn't the worst thing to say, but I wish it could have been written with more empathy and compassion. I wish I had told him I love him no matter what and asked him to help me understand his situation more. I wish I had known more about what being a transgender person meant so I could have helped him more. 

I wish for many things, but I'm very grateful that I am where I'm at today.

Jack was a HUGE source of comfort and answers when I needed it after I finally came out to him. We had some rocky years mostly before he came out to me as we grew up as teenagers. We didn't just have our hormones uncontrollably flowing through our bodies but also had to deal with being gay and being a transgender person which resulted in an incredible amount of teenage sibling fights between us and our relationship struggled for a long time. 

In 2017 I asked Jack for help finding a therapist for abuse that happened to me, what I call a rejection complex, and then also for being gay. He didn't flinch at the sudden news and said that of course he would help me. We discussed a few therapists in Utah County and he would give opinions of people he had worked with. He even helped me avoid one who is homophobic. At the end, I looked at Jack and asked what his thoughts were on me being in the church even though I am gay. The church had been a sore spot between us in the past and at this moment I had no idea what he was thinking of me being active in the church.

He said, "Dallin, if that's what makes you happy, why would I take that away from you?"

That philosophical sentence has been one of the most powerful things that Jack has told me and it has impacted my life and how I treat others.

I have had a few opportunities to talk to other transgender people besides my brother and they are some of the kindest people I have met. 

I'm going to be honest about how horrible I was. I refused to call Jack by his name for a while behind his back. I finally came around on my mission. I look back at that person and I feel disgusted. I feel full of shame. It makes me want to vomit.

I could have driven my brother to ending his life. I could have caused him to feel ostracized from his brother and family who he desperately needed the most. I probably did for a while. I almost missed out on the love and support that he gives me that nobody else on this earth has been able to give. There wouldn't be able to be someone I could openly be myself, a homosexual person around, until I was finally comfortable to be out in the open.

All things in hindsight right?

Wrong. 

I need to change things now so I don't keep doing that to others and he has been one of many to help me down that path.

I have learned that the best people to answer questions to certain subjects are those who actually live with it. That's how I can best learn about what it is like for other people in their lives. I try to leave conversations and weigh what others have said to me. Maybe I don't believe the same things, but I can accept that their truth is the truth to them.

Those who are gay can most accurately describe the situations we are in.

Those who are Muslim can most accurately describe how their lives are.

Those who are transgender people can most accurately describe what their lives are like.

You should get to tell your own story so why shouldn't others?

I love to tell the story about my brother and I. One a gay christian man, the other an atheist transgender man and know that despite their differences, the greatest part of having each other as brothers is that we love each other unconditionally. 

It's possible to love people even if you don't understand their situations. My brother and our relationship are two of the greatest gems I hold dearest to my heart. He's a wonderful example to me and he has taught me so much. 

Try loving someone with all your heart and watch the beauty unfold right in front of your eyes.

4 out of 5 siblings celebrating Jack and Kylie 's (my favorite) wedding.

Questions:

What are Dallin's thoughts as a religious person?

My thoughts are that there is much we don't know. We need to be patient as we try to figure things out and there are many things to figure out. I don't believe God makes mistakes. I believe he gives us many opportunities to challenge the way we think and that maybe, just maybe, other's truth is a truth we haven't discovered yet.

I don't understand what it's like to be a transgender person. People might say there are only two genders, that God doesn't make mistakes and everyone born in their body is exactly male or female. My request to them is to explain then the situation of Intersex people. Being a transgender person and an Intersex person is NOT the same. As we gain more knowledge, we learn there is much to know.

My thoughts is that God will explain everything, but until that point we are to follow the two great commandments.

Matthew 22: 36-40

36 Master, which is the great commandment in the law?

37 Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord they God with all thy heart, and with all they soul, and with all my mind.

38 This is the first and great commandment.

39 And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.

40 On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.

What should I do if  someone tells me they think they are transgender or that they are transgender?

Listen! If someone says they are still figuring things out, tell them you're here to talk to if they need and whatever they decide that you will respect that decision.

Take time to learn about how difficult the situation for them might be and how scary it might have been for them to talk to you about it.

You talked about Intersex people. What does that mean? Where can I learn about that?

Here is a website by the Intersex Society of North America: http://www.isna.org/faq/what_is_intersex

They have answers to many questions. If I find sources that I feel might be more reliable in the future, I will add more or change information so people can better understand. 

Resources To Use

I've been asked multiple times of what resources there are for LGBTQ+ individuals. I've been compiling a list of resources that I personally know of. The Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints doesn't really have a lot, but I have included something they do.

My momma and me. 

These resources will not remove homosexual feelings/Same-Sex Attractions or any feelings of being a Transgender person/experiencing gender dysphoria.

These resources should not be expected to be a "cure-all" and that you'll be 100% happy in all of your life if you use them.

Your greatest resource is accepting you might not know everything and that everyone worth more than any piece of money through all countries and cultures.

These are resources that, for the most part, I personally have used and enjoyed. They are resources that have helped me in accepting myself, helping others accept and understand me (as much as possible that is), and helped me make a lot of caring friends.

I will expand this list as I continue to find more resources and if I feel that they are helpful. 

Groups:

North Star International.

https://northstarlds.org

North Star is an LGBTQ+/LDS group.

There is an FHE group from North Star I've had the luck and blessing to frequently attend. I loved the feelings of camaraderie, peace, and friendship. There are also many discussions on the Facebook group they have. I will say that it can tend to be more of a conservative group. They are very protective about identities since there are people in that group who haven't come out yet.

Blogs:

Ben has done many blogs, podcasts, and more.

These are two personal blogs I've read and have helped put my feelings into words. They are great resources for those who are in the LGBTQ+ community as well as those outside trying to learn more.

Ben Schilaty

When I finally started reading Ben's blog, it was a huge weight off my shoulders. He had a way to put my feelings into words and I've enjoyed reading what he has to say.

http://thegayrm.blogspot.com/

Tristan is a friend of mine and I've enjoyed reading his blog posts and thoughts.

Websites:

https://mormonandgay.lds.org

This pretty much is, as far as I've seen, the only real resource The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has provided. They answer questions, clarify that God loves all his children, and speaks on how we should treat others.

http://www.listenlearnandlove.org/

Richard Ostler helped create this website as a resource for Latter-day Saint's who are LGBTQ+ people. There are blogs, podcasts, events and more.

https://ldsvoicesofhope.org/

LDS Voices of hope was very helpful for me soon after I came out. There are videos and stories that really helped me feel that I wasn't alone.

Books:

"That We May Be One" By Tom Christofferson

I had a chance to get an early copy of this book and I can say it's quite amazing. It is more, per my opinion, for non LGBTQ+ people though.

"In Quiet Desperation" By Ty Mansfield

I haven't had the opportunity to read this book yet, but I have been told it's amazing.

Therapists:

I just want to make sure that I clarify I am not being paid to recommend these therapists. Not all therapists are perfect for everyone and I recommend you find the one who best works with you.

Roy Bickel-Therapist at Aspen Counseling Services in American Fork, Utah.

Roy was actually my therapist and he helped me so much with a variety of subjects. His understanding of the struggles that come with being gay were expounded upon while I went to him and he's a great listener.

Alan B. Hansen-Therapist in Provo, Utah

Alan was recommended to me as someone who is good, but I personally have not met him.

Blake Fisher-BYU Therapist.

I've met Blake once and I can confirm he's a really kind man. He is a therapist at BYU (Provo).

http://connectionscs.com/

Before I was public about being gay, a good friend was recommending therapists to me and recommended this group. He has gone and said they were very helpful to him.

Suicide numbers:

https://www.thetrevorproject.org

The Trevor Project has trained counselors available 24/7. A lot of focus is for youth, but I've heard they have helped so many. If you are suicidal, please give them a call.

For Family and Friends

Facebook group: I'll Walk With You.

My father is part of this facebook group he's really enjoyed being a part of. While it is harder for those who are LGBTQ+, there is still a lot of confusion for those who are the parents and want to know what's best to do and say. You'll find many parents who have been where you are and some are at the exact same place. You can search for the group, but members are kept private.

I Need You To Stand Up

Doesn't matter what the press says, doesn't matter what the politicians or the mobs say, doesn't matter if the whole country decides something wrong is something right. 

This Nation was founded on one principle above all else; the requirement that we stand up for what we believe, no matter the odds or consequences.

When the mob and the press and the whole world tell you to move, your job is to plant yourself like a tree beside the river of truth, and tell the world...

No, YOU move.

- Captain America

A lot has been on my mind the past few weeks. A very publicized suicide at Brigham Young University, a friend who was treated horribly because of things completely outside of his control, and a very special experience I had a few weeks ago.

At the beginning of my lunch break at work I got a notification on my phone that I had been tagged by a coworker and friend on a Facebook post. She tagged me in response to a post by a guy who said he was in search of having the opportunity to talk to a gay person who was also choosing to stay in the church. My friend had tagged me and said they felt I would be a good resource if he had any questions. I noticed he had added me on Facebook so I accepted and we talked for the remainder of my lunch. He seemed sincere enough and so we set up to meet the next day at the University Mall in Orem.

My Roommates' saltwater aquarium. I've named most of these fish including Peter, Princess Buttercup, and Nathaniel.

We met at the food court, grabbed dinner, sat down, and talked. Tanner wanted to hear my story and I shared the basics from elementary school until the present day. He shared his own story on why he wanted to talk to someone in my specific situation. There was a powerful experience he had in the chapel during sacrament that moved my heart.

I won't share the story as it would be a spoiler, (I'll include it after the movie is released), but know it was powerful and moving for me. It is a hard story to listen to, but it is a necessary thing to hear.

He said that in a specific moment, he felt the pure love of Christ for all of Christ's LGBTQ+ children and it strongly moved him. As we talked, I had the opportunity to answer questions, correct small misconceptions, and guide his wording to be accurate. The best part about talking with him was the way he responded and did his very best to not only understand the what and why, but actually apply what I said as we talked. He then told me that he was doing a production of YouTube videos and the name of it was called, "Outcasted." He said it would be focusing on those who feel that they are outcasts, more specifically in church. He mentioned other subjects he's planning on discussing, but he really wanted to hit on how LGBTQ+ people who choose to be members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. He wanted to talk about how we should be treated with love and not hate. We should be welcomed, and not shunned.

My heart was very full that night and I drove home smiling. Growing up I never thought that we would arrive to a point where a young straight man would get on YouTube to stand up for LGBTQ+ people saying we should be welcomed at church for so many people to see through the reaches of the online world. I saw in his heart that he doesn't care what others think. He knows what is right and he knows how others deserve to be treated.

The most powerful thing he said to me was, "I know what it's like to be an outcast and I never want someone to feel that way because of something they can't change."

Those words were music to my ears and relief to my soul.

At the filming with Tanner. 

Tanner invited me to the actual filming of that episode the following Saturday and I readily accepted. He invited me to bring someone else who could also help with their thoughts and feelings. That Saturday, a closeted friend and I went to Provo Library and sat in as they recorded shot after shot. There were  moments where many of us were moved to tears as he shared his stories. My friend and I would give our opinions and feelings and the entire crew listened intently. They were amazing. You could tell they were being respectful and desirous to get it right. They would retake a shot, ask for our approval, and treated us with the highest respect. My friend made a remark on our way home how strange it was that complete strangers knew about him being gay. I am grateful that he was able to have a positive experience with people who would not treat him any different based on that fact.

I'm so grateful that Tanner and his crew are doing something as wonderful as they are.

I am grateful that Tanner is willing to stand up so publicly and say that he wants me to feel welcome and loved. He is willing to fight on my side and that is one of the most valuable things to me.

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds. 

- President Theodore Roosevelt

One of my Walmart weaknesses....... Don't judge.

The person in the arena fighting for what is right is the one who is changing the world. To be in the arena you don't have to be making a YouTube production. To make a change in the world for the better doesn't require being famous or the one with the most praise, shares, or comments. The change starts in your heart and can continue with how you act, speak, and listen.

We all have a little "Make the world better" complex in us because we want to have an influence in others and be the difference. In many situations and cases, the changing of the world is usually in a quiet and creeping way until it we see the results whether they be positive, negative, or even potentially both. Change happens as many say, one mind and one heart at a time. It reminds me of the words of President Ezra Taft Benson in October 1989.

"The scriptures record remarkable accounts of men whose lives changed dramatically in an instant, as it were: Alma the Younger, Paul on the road to Damascus, Enos praying far into the night, King Lamoni, and more. Such astonishing examples of the power to change even those steeped in sin give confidence that the Atonement can reach even those deepest in despair. "

"But we must be cautious as we discuss these remarkable examples. Though they are real and powerful, they are the exception more than the rule. For every Paul, for every Enos, and for every King Lamoni, there are hundreds and thousands of people who find the process of repentance much more subtle, much more imperceptible. Day by day they move closer to the Lord, little realizing they are building a godlike life. They live quiet lives of goodness, service, and commitment. They are like the Lamanites, who the Lord said, "were baptized with fire and with the Holy Ghost, and they knew it not."

I cannot stress the power in numbers of those who think they are just a bunch of nobody's. There is power in the mass, even though the mass might not believe.

When you truly believe in the ability to change, the actual ability to do the changing arrives.

A friend told me that she used part of my blog to help her father understand that homosexuality is not a choice. As she shared this story, she gave me an overwhelming feeling of hope for my future. She showed me that she was willing to stand up for me and those like me. She defended me and it touched my heart.

I don't think you know how meaningful it is for those of us who are so tired and feel so alone. Observing or hearing someone stand up against unkindness or cruelty is a soul-moving experience.

As my friend Straton said, it's my "Self on a Shelf"

"We believe that the most terrifying and destructive feeling that a person can experience is psychological isolation. This is not the same as being alone. it is a feeling that one is locked out of the possibility of human connection and of being powerless to change the situation. In the extreme, psychological isolation can lead to a sense of hopelessness and desperation. People will do almost anything to escape this combination of condemned isolation and powerlessness."

-Jean Baker Miller and Irene Stiver, relational-cultural theorists from the Stone Center at Welleshley College.

A student recently committed suicide at BYU and there has been a lot of news, commentary, and pleading that have appeared through social networks because of this event. The moment I heard the news, my heart felt sorrowful and I quietly mourned for her. Within a week another friend said he was wanting to kill himself as life seemed to be all going down a black hole of confusion, anger, misunderstandings, coming from disgusting, self-centered, and unfair judgment as well as horrifying acts that happened to him.

Enough is enough is a phrase that is not in the past or is getting old. It is a statement we must keep changing and getting better. The progression that has happened sometimes seems unfathomable, but I know we aren't where we need to be.

Please stand up. I need you to stand up. I need you to speak out. I need you to follow up on your words, "I am here if you need anything."

One life is more than enough and we already have lost too many. Will you wait until it is your child or your friend?

We need you. I need you.

So please stand up.