Are you an exception in the gospel?

For years I have noticed "exceptions" on certain doctrines in the church from members and I really wish we didn't set them. The basic example I can use is if someone is exempt from repentance or the need to repent just because we know only certain aspects of their lives. Once upon a time I was 13 years old. I was in Sunday School and we were talking about Joseph Smith Jr. The subject came up of how Joseph had chewed tobacco and smoked. I, the brave but also naive teenager, stood up for Joseph and said he did not. I grew up knowing smoking and chewing tobacco was against the Word of Wisdom, so how could a prophet, who is "practically perfect in every way," participate in such obvious sin? One of the other young men then asked the teacher for confirmation. He wanted to verify who was right. The teacher looked at me and said that Joseph DID participate in such acts. What? My world was shaken.

Sparkler time with Erykah at Braden's mission call opening

Having grown since then, I have met many wonderful, amazing, and beautiful people who smoke and chew tobacco. I no longer think that someone who does either of those things means they qualify themselves as a bad person. As a young man at that time though, I couldn't believe what I'd been told. Wasn't Joseph like, top notch?! How could HE do THAT? He could, and he did up until he received the revelation of the Word of Wisdom. My mind had given Joseph an exception of the ability to do anything wrong.

In many ways, we have a habit on putting a condemned or saved picture of people, especially ones we don't personally know. Modern times are different than the past. We have many examples, but we don't take the time to step back and take a look at the big picture. We need to understand we are not assigned, nor or are we authorized to be judges of someone's divine destination. Some people are set apart to judge, but that is not up to us to decide where someone will end up. That is for one and only one.

Fast forward about 5 years after learning about Joseph and I was now listening to claims about his wife. I heard someone say, "Emma Smith went through so much that it doesn't matter if she left the church. She's DEFINITELY going to the celestial kingdom." I also heard, "She knew it was true and she left, so she's definitely NOT going to the celestial kingdom." Honestly, I struggle with both of these statements. I believe that salvation will come by our true and honest desires. I believe that it will only be at the moment of judgment that we will make that full and final decision. This life will have its consequences, that's for sure so we aren't able to just "eat drink and be merry for tomorrow we die!". I just don't believe that WE can fully know the details of that final decision for ourselves and especially for someone else. Emma did struggle. Her life was horrifically challenging and painful. She lost her relationship with her parents, lost friends, lost many children (some within hours of birth), and bore the tortures and pressures as wife of Joseph. After all of that, she even lost Joseph himself. It sounds like something that would personally break me.

When someone says Emma will 100% be in the celestial kingdom JUST because of her hardships, I think, what would have happened if Christ himself had said in the Garden of Gethsemane, "You know what, I can't do this. I won't do this, and I'm done." What would have happened? The entire plan would have been undone in a single night. We would then live forever in our sins and in misery.

Salvation is not dependent on the struggles you go through and how hard they are, but through the merits, hope, and mercy of our Savior and by our own decision to follow him.

When someone says she will definitely NOT get into the celestial kingdom, I ask myself, does this person not believe in repentance? Do they not believe in mercy, but justice alone? How cruel of a world, of a plan, and of a future that would be. I cannot believe that my Heavenly Father would condemn like that and say, "Sorry Emma, ya dun messed up."

One of my favorite snapchats ever received from my friend Sammie

Laman and Lemuel are specific examples that have been on my mind for the past year and a half. We know they were the sons of the prophet who struggled with following the word of the Lord, but have you ever wondered what if Laman and Lemuel have repented by now? It's been over 2,000 years since they passed away. They could have been some of the first to go to Christ when he visited those in spirit paradise and prison. They could have fallen on their knees and begged for forgiveness. They could have been forgiven. They could even now be doing missionary work as hard as ever shoulder to shoulder with Nephi to the spirits who don't believe. Could they not be crying repentance to those in spirit prison? Could they also be loving, learning and teaching? What if they've converted hundreds, thousands, or millions because they knew how to reach others' hearts for the sole reason that they have been where others have been? Yet in many settings we talk about how they were spoiled children and were horrible because they didn't follow everything with exactness. I tried to search for scriptures on where Laman and Lemuel were actually praised and mentioned them following the Lord. They are few, but they are there. I look at myself and wonder how people would speak of me if they only knew the negative. If all of you could see were the times I wasn't a kind person, the times I got easily frustrated, or the times I wanted to forsake being a part of this church, what would you think? If that is all you saw of me, what would you do? What if the only thing you knew about me was that I was gay?

When you hear, "Well, she's a lesbian, so you might want to steer clear of her." Do you agree? Do you avoid eye contact because she could cause problems? Or do you think that it's only one aspect of her? Do you wonder how many lives she's blessed and how her kind hand might have stayed the intentions of a suicidal friend? Do you wonder how she can help others in and out of the gospel JUST because she knows what it's like to be alone?

You don't know the power that someone has until you see them perform goodness in the world.

Snow Cone Adventures with Kylie and Jack

You don't see the inspiration a person feels and can have until you have talked with them and seen the light of fire in their eyes to continue despite their trials they have had in their lives. That is just the beginning, so even then, you don't know the half of someone solely based off of one fact.

You cannot fully understand what being gay, having anxiety, having Hidradenitis Suppurativa, being raped, having your child pass away, being abused, divorce, or the many more trials in this life unless you live them.

But! You can learn. You can listen. You can love.

You can truly try and that will mean the world.

O brother (or sister, or friend, or human), where art thou?

Are you struggling? Are you happy? Are you fighting your own good fight? Do you feel like you're losing? Do you see yourself getting stronger? Are you being abandoned? Are you being welcomed?

You are important. You might have been through dips, be in a dip, or will be going through more dips, but I know you can do it. I know that because I've been able to do it. To quote Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf, "You are stronger than you realize. You are more capable than you can imagine."

I beg of you, whoever reads this, to not look at a person and base their future because of stories you know, experiences with others, or by one factor that to you defines them. Don't judge them according to one sin or even one difficulty they must face in life (those are two separate things) You will have many missed opportunities. You will miss many miracles.

Them: What should I say? Me: Better question, what should you DO?

I've had a lot of people talk to me about family members or acquaintances who are gay and they have said to me, "I don't know what to say to them. What do I say?" Most of the time it's because they are leaving,or have left, the church. It makes me smile because people want to know what to do about something sensitive to many because they want to be kind and loving.

For too long, we were taught to make fun, lash out, shut down, ignore feelings, and more.

I recently had an absolutely amazing chat with a good friend from my previous singles ward who will be anonymous. But for the sake of the story we'll call her Cherstin P, no no, C. Parsons (If you know where that quote comes from, 10 brownie points for you and we are friends). We talked about me coming out, being gay, and my experiences. Cherstin's responses to some of my comments were absolutely perfect. I talked to her about one of my very difficult times of deciding to come out or not or even stay in the church. She said, "Dallin, I can't even imagine what it would be like for me if I was in that situation and I don't know what I would do." There was not even the smallest hint of judgment or disappointment in her voice. It was full of pure love and care for me.

Behold the Man by Antonio Ciseri. One of my favorite paintings.

The best reaction you can give to someone coming out to you about being gay (or anything else difficult like maybe leaving the church, having anxiety, etc) is this:

Listen. Don't interrupt. Don't take over the conversation. Just listen.

Then tell them you love them so much and if they'll accept it, give them a strong hug.

When debating on leaving the church, more often than not, they have been struggling with this decision and they've been in so. much. pain. I've had times in my life when I really didn't know if I was going to be able to keep going in the church and those times have been some of the worst. The tearing of your heart and soul of having to make the decision of your natural feelings that are ever present or the desire to follow your loving Heavenly Father. It isn't easy. If someone has been struggling with this, they already have thought of the spiritual things hundreds, if not thousands of times.

I will be one of the first to say that bearing your testimony of the restored gospel is always important. However, there are appropriate times to do so. When I was in the MTC, one of our branch presidency members had each of us come in to do a one-on-one training with him. We talked a little bit and he said he was going to act like an investigator. He then said his father had passed away. I instantly started bearing testimony of the plan of salvation. Before I could start on my second sentence, he stopped me in my tracks and said one of the most profound things I have heard. I don't know if it's originally from him or from someone else, but he said, "Elder Steele, they do not care how much you know until they know how much you care."

Lunch with Alexis, a very close friend who has never judged me because I'm gay.

This is a hard post for me. I have wanted to lash out at family, people who claimed to be friends, leaders, home ward members, YSA members,  some of my past coworkers in all jobs and more. However, I know that it won't do any good. Causing pain to others and hurting just to hurt and get revenge will not help me continue healing. It will not let me be changed through the enabling power of the atonement.

I will say this. I wish you could have felt my fear when I heard as a 14 year old that "gay men need to be hunted down and hung" from a leader. I wish you could have felt my pain when hearing in a lesson in a YSA  ward when someone said "I didn't want to look like I was gay! That's the worst!" I wish you could have seen my tears after hearing my parents being accused by family members of being not good enough parents based just on the fact they had a gay child because that meant that I was even a worse failure for being gay. I wish you could see me at my home night after night alone desiring to have someone to call mine and to fully love and to grow old with all the while hoping and praying that Heavenly Father will give me the strength to keep going.

In the time of being out, I've had certain responses to me after I state that I am a gay man who is also mormon. The first words out of some people's mouths were, "Well you need to remember that first and foremost you are a child of God." I wanted to tell each person that yes I knew that and I'm still in the church. I have been saying I am a child of God far longer than I have been saying I am Gay. I understand the intentions of the saying and I love that reminder. However, if that is something you blurt out just because you feel a need to make sure someone doesn't leave the church, you're using it incorrectly.

If you ask me about my feelings about Christ and his gospel, you'll be talking with me for an incredibly long time. Being gay hasn't chased me away from Christ, but brought me closer. I have learned to trust in my Redeemer because I don't get to "fit the norm." Ask me about why I trust him and I'll tell you about his blessings, guidance, answers to prayers, people he has sent to save me, and more.

When someone tries to preach and tell me how wonderful the church and gospel are as the first reaction, I always wonder, "that's great, but I already know that. What I don't know is how you feel about me and if this is going to change how you treat me." It has been rare in the past to express your feelings of love for someone as the first reaction to something vulnerable being talked about or shared.

I would love for people to talk to me exactly how Cherstin talked to me. Willing to understand that yes people have doubts. People are confused, are hurt, and their feelings are valid. It is normal for people to doubt and to question. In fact, God wants us to ask and get our own testament and full knowledge of the truth. There are times to testify of the beautiful truths of the gospel of our Savior Jesus Christ, but again, people won't care how much you know until they know how much you care.

I met this guy on an evening walk. We were friends instantly.

When I came out to one of my close friends Kaitlin, it was to her and another coworker. When we had a moment alone later that day, she asked me if she'd ever said anything unkind about gays. I said no that she had never said anything which is why I felt comfortable telling her. She said, "oh good," and before she continued her eyes started to tear up and she finished saying, "because if I had and it had hurt you, my heart would have broken."

Kaitlin has one of the biggest hearts of gold of anyone I've met. She understands she's not perfect but she's consistently striving to do the best that she can and be loving to all no matter what their situation. We have had wonderful conversations about being gay, being in the church, and more. I've had those kinds of discussions with multiple people and there is a pattern of the best conversations (which have been frequent).


These are the common denominators on what happens in the most spiritual, uplifting, and charity-filled conversations I have had about being gay.

1. The person or people let me talk and express myself.
2. They listen and express they might not understand, but they love me and this doesn't change anything. They also do not try to change me or try to define me how they feel I should be defined.
3. Only when it really feels appropriate, they share their feelings about the restored gospel. This step doesn't always even happen in a conversation.

The best thing to do is listen, learn, love, and wait for the right time to share your feelings and beliefs about the church. The last part of verbally testifying may not even fit into a conversation, but your actions  and willingness to listen will do that part for you. Like President Uchtdorf said, "Preach the gospel, and then if needed, speak words."