Them: What should I say? Me: Better question, what should you DO?

I've had a lot of people talk to me about family members or acquaintances who are gay and they have said to me, "I don't know what to say to them. What do I say?" Most of the time it's because they are leaving,or have left, the church. It makes me smile because people want to know what to do about something sensitive to many because they want to be kind and loving.

For too long, we were taught to make fun, lash out, shut down, ignore feelings, and more.

I recently had an absolutely amazing chat with a good friend from my previous singles ward who will be anonymous. But for the sake of the story we'll call her Cherstin P, no no, C. Parsons (If you know where that quote comes from, 10 brownie points for you and we are friends). We talked about me coming out, being gay, and my experiences. Cherstin's responses to some of my comments were absolutely perfect. I talked to her about one of my very difficult times of deciding to come out or not or even stay in the church. She said, "Dallin, I can't even imagine what it would be like for me if I was in that situation and I don't know what I would do." There was not even the smallest hint of judgment or disappointment in her voice. It was full of pure love and care for me.

Behold the Man by Antonio Ciseri. One of my favorite paintings.

The best reaction you can give to someone coming out to you about being gay (or anything else difficult like maybe leaving the church, having anxiety, etc) is this:

Listen. Don't interrupt. Don't take over the conversation. Just listen.

Then tell them you love them so much and if they'll accept it, give them a strong hug.

When debating on leaving the church, more often than not, they have been struggling with this decision and they've been in so. much. pain. I've had times in my life when I really didn't know if I was going to be able to keep going in the church and those times have been some of the worst. The tearing of your heart and soul of having to make the decision of your natural feelings that are ever present or the desire to follow your loving Heavenly Father. It isn't easy. If someone has been struggling with this, they already have thought of the spiritual things hundreds, if not thousands of times.

I will be one of the first to say that bearing your testimony of the restored gospel is always important. However, there are appropriate times to do so. When I was in the MTC, one of our branch presidency members had each of us come in to do a one-on-one training with him. We talked a little bit and he said he was going to act like an investigator. He then said his father had passed away. I instantly started bearing testimony of the plan of salvation. Before I could start on my second sentence, he stopped me in my tracks and said one of the most profound things I have heard. I don't know if it's originally from him or from someone else, but he said, "Elder Steele, they do not care how much you know until they know how much you care."

Lunch with Alexis, a very close friend who has never judged me because I'm gay.

This is a hard post for me. I have wanted to lash out at family, people who claimed to be friends, leaders, home ward members, YSA members,  some of my past coworkers in all jobs and more. However, I know that it won't do any good. Causing pain to others and hurting just to hurt and get revenge will not help me continue healing. It will not let me be changed through the enabling power of the atonement.

I will say this. I wish you could have felt my fear when I heard as a 14 year old that "gay men need to be hunted down and hung" from a leader. I wish you could have felt my pain when hearing in a lesson in a YSA  ward when someone said "I didn't want to look like I was gay! That's the worst!" I wish you could have seen my tears after hearing my parents being accused by family members of being not good enough parents based just on the fact they had a gay child because that meant that I was even a worse failure for being gay. I wish you could see me at my home night after night alone desiring to have someone to call mine and to fully love and to grow old with all the while hoping and praying that Heavenly Father will give me the strength to keep going.

In the time of being out, I've had certain responses to me after I state that I am a gay man who is also mormon. The first words out of some people's mouths were, "Well you need to remember that first and foremost you are a child of God." I wanted to tell each person that yes I knew that and I'm still in the church. I have been saying I am a child of God far longer than I have been saying I am Gay. I understand the intentions of the saying and I love that reminder. However, if that is something you blurt out just because you feel a need to make sure someone doesn't leave the church, you're using it incorrectly.

If you ask me about my feelings about Christ and his gospel, you'll be talking with me for an incredibly long time. Being gay hasn't chased me away from Christ, but brought me closer. I have learned to trust in my Redeemer because I don't get to "fit the norm." Ask me about why I trust him and I'll tell you about his blessings, guidance, answers to prayers, people he has sent to save me, and more.

When someone tries to preach and tell me how wonderful the church and gospel are as the first reaction, I always wonder, "that's great, but I already know that. What I don't know is how you feel about me and if this is going to change how you treat me." It has been rare in the past to express your feelings of love for someone as the first reaction to something vulnerable being talked about or shared.

I would love for people to talk to me exactly how Cherstin talked to me. Willing to understand that yes people have doubts. People are confused, are hurt, and their feelings are valid. It is normal for people to doubt and to question. In fact, God wants us to ask and get our own testament and full knowledge of the truth. There are times to testify of the beautiful truths of the gospel of our Savior Jesus Christ, but again, people won't care how much you know until they know how much you care.

I met this guy on an evening walk. We were friends instantly.

When I came out to one of my close friends Kaitlin, it was to her and another coworker. When we had a moment alone later that day, she asked me if she'd ever said anything unkind about gays. I said no that she had never said anything which is why I felt comfortable telling her. She said, "oh good," and before she continued her eyes started to tear up and she finished saying, "because if I had and it had hurt you, my heart would have broken."

Kaitlin has one of the biggest hearts of gold of anyone I've met. She understands she's not perfect but she's consistently striving to do the best that she can and be loving to all no matter what their situation. We have had wonderful conversations about being gay, being in the church, and more. I've had those kinds of discussions with multiple people and there is a pattern of the best conversations (which have been frequent).


These are the common denominators on what happens in the most spiritual, uplifting, and charity-filled conversations I have had about being gay.

1. The person or people let me talk and express myself.
2. They listen and express they might not understand, but they love me and this doesn't change anything. They also do not try to change me or try to define me how they feel I should be defined.
3. Only when it really feels appropriate, they share their feelings about the restored gospel. This step doesn't always even happen in a conversation.

The best thing to do is listen, learn, love, and wait for the right time to share your feelings and beliefs about the church. The last part of verbally testifying may not even fit into a conversation, but your actions  and willingness to listen will do that part for you. Like President Uchtdorf said, "Preach the gospel, and then if needed, speak words."