Mom, I'm Gay

I had to utter those words twice because the first time I said them, I didn't say them clearly enough and so again I said, "Mom, I'm gay."

What did my mom do? Shrug her shoulders and say, "okay!" 

Not exactly what I was expecting, but it was a good answer. To her, it didn't matter that I was gay. My question after her response was if she ever even suspected my homosexuality to which I was told, "No. I honored your choices for not rushing into a relationship with a girl right away and knew you'd figure it out at your own pace."

No mother is perfect, but I have seen that mine was perfectly placed into my life. We both have regrets, but that's in the past. All I can really think of is the times we'd race to the car to be first. I remember her giving up time with my dad during Christmas Eve so I wouldn't be alone. She adores my father and I know especially at that time she cherished any time she got with him. I was so excited to be with her and we watched Christmas movies together. She fell asleep in the first one but I didn't care. My mama was with me because she knew that nobody should be alone on Christmas Eve. 

One year my father was unemployed and people in our ward were consistently dropping off gifts. One time we got a ham and if you know me I L.O.V.E. ham especially when it's honey glazed (which in this case it was). I was so excited and ready to dig in but my mom started talking about who needed the ham more. You can imagine my face and if you can't, it wasn't a happy one. I was very upset at losing that ham. Years later I looked back and realized how good my mother was in that moment. When we needed help and received a blessing, she looked to see how she could help someone who was in greater need.

I remember as a child in elementary school that my mother taught me a lesson that became ingrained into my soul. She taught me to be kind and make people feel important. 

Most of my life I had the song for our Mother/Son dance picked out for my wedding reception. I remember the first time I fell in love with singing. She was playing the piano for the song, "How Do You Fall In Love?" by Alabama. She had me sing as she played. When we finished, she praised me up and down and said I sang so beautifully. She showed my voice off to my father who had just arrived at work. She was all giddy about her little boy and his beautiful voice. That song has always remained in my heart and mind. As of right now that dance at a wedding reception isn't going to happen, but I know my mother will always be proud of me and love me. 

Right after my mission, my parents had set up a temporary room for me since we were a very full house. I was put next to the bookcases with the binders of her memories from years ago. I got to learn about her dating experiences, interactions with my grandparents, and spiritual times with her Heavenly Father. I've always admired my mothers desire to follow Heavenly Father and her strength of faith and love for Him. I remember from one of her entries that in that day she had found my oldest brother locked in a bin and couldn't get out. Another brother that day had almost been hit by a car. She and my dad got in the car, my dad started the car and then turned on the radio. After a second my mother turned off the radio and said, "We need to thank Heavenly Father for today." I wasn't there but I can imagine the strong emotions of fear, gratitude, and love that she expressed to the omnipotent being who loves her dearly. 

Regardless of my mother having taught me many things about love and kindness by word and example, it was still scary to come out to her. 

The topic came up when the November policy was released early to the public. My parents had returned from a trip they'd been on and we were discussing our confusion and frustrations. I can't even remember how I got to the point where I felt it was like the climax of discussions on movies. I glanced at my dad and said, "Mom. I'm gay!" I guess I was too quiet or not clear enough because she said, "I'm sorry what?" She then clarified she didn't actually hear me and I had to repeat myself saying the top three words I had uttered only to a few others.

Ever since coming out to her, our relationship has grown tenfold. We are proud of each other and where the other has gone in our lives. She currently helps serve in the prison and also in the temple. It's always good to hear her share the stories that she is able to share. You can tell both of those callings have strengthened her and she loves serving her fellow brothers and sisters. To me, both the prison and the temple represent places where those who feel the lowest in life are. The spirit reaches to all whether they feel strong or they feel weak and my mother tries to help all she can.

I wish all mothers could accept their children the way mine accepts me. I wish all kids could get loving texts with the cute star and heart emojis that I get. I wish they could sit next to their mothers and have her rest her head on their shoulders knowing that she loves them. 

My mother knows that God will work through everything and make it all fair. She doesn't know why I am gay, but she knows God loves me. She knows he has protected me and has blessed me beyond belief. She knows He would guide me even if I wasn't part of the church. She knows He requires all of us to love each other even if it's difficult. She doesn't try to tell me that I need to keep trying to marry a woman. She doesn't tell me that I'm a sinner for being gay.

The saying, "love you then, love you still, always have, always will" describes who my mother is and how she treats me.

My mother is one of the biggest reasons I am who I am. If I've been kind to you, it's because she taught me to be kind. If you have enjoyed my giggles, it's because she taught me to laugh. If you had admired my strength, it's because I have seen her stand up against what is wrong even when she might be shaking on the inside. She taught me to not back down.

She taught me that I'm worth something special and even if I'm not worth it to others, I will always be worth it for her.

My mother and I want you to know that that saying also applies to you. You're worth something special even if you're not worth it to others. You will always be worth it for us.

Loving My Transgender Brother

I spent years in confusion and pain because of my sexuality. I spent time crying and wondering why I was the way I was. I wondered many times what my future held and many nights I felt very lonely. When my brother sent me an email in 2009 telling me that he was actually a male, I wish I'd been able to reach into my young teenage heart and pulled out the empathy I strongly yearned for from others to give him. I wish I'd taken time to actually listen and understand him more than I did. 

I wouldn't trade Jack as a brother for anyone. Not even who I used to know him as.

I told him I would need time to think about it because maybe he's known for a long time but I'd only had a few seconds. That definitely isn't the worst thing to say, but I wish it could have been written with more empathy and compassion. I wish I had told him I love him no matter what and asked him to help me understand his situation more. I wish I had known more about what being a transgender person meant so I could have helped him more. 

I wish for many things, but I'm very grateful that I am where I'm at today.

Jack was a HUGE source of comfort and answers when I needed it after I finally came out to him. We had some rocky years mostly before he came out to me as we grew up as teenagers. We didn't just have our hormones uncontrollably flowing through our bodies but also had to deal with being gay and being a transgender person which resulted in an incredible amount of teenage sibling fights between us and our relationship struggled for a long time. 

In 2017 I asked Jack for help finding a therapist for abuse that happened to me, what I call a rejection complex, and then also for being gay. He didn't flinch at the sudden news and said that of course he would help me. We discussed a few therapists in Utah County and he would give opinions of people he had worked with. He even helped me avoid one who is homophobic. At the end, I looked at Jack and asked what his thoughts were on me being in the church even though I am gay. The church had been a sore spot between us in the past and at this moment I had no idea what he was thinking of me being active in the church.

He said, "Dallin, if that's what makes you happy, why would I take that away from you?"

That philosophical sentence has been one of the most powerful things that Jack has told me and it has impacted my life and how I treat others.

I have had a few opportunities to talk to other transgender people besides my brother and they are some of the kindest people I have met. 

I'm going to be honest about how horrible I was. I refused to call Jack by his name for a while behind his back. I finally came around on my mission. I look back at that person and I feel disgusted. I feel full of shame. It makes me want to vomit.

I could have driven my brother to ending his life. I could have caused him to feel ostracized from his brother and family who he desperately needed the most. I probably did for a while. I almost missed out on the love and support that he gives me that nobody else on this earth has been able to give. There wouldn't be able to be someone I could openly be myself, a homosexual person around, until I was finally comfortable to be out in the open.

All things in hindsight right?

Wrong. 

I need to change things now so I don't keep doing that to others and he has been one of many to help me down that path.

I have learned that the best people to answer questions to certain subjects are those who actually live with it. That's how I can best learn about what it is like for other people in their lives. I try to leave conversations and weigh what others have said to me. Maybe I don't believe the same things, but I can accept that their truth is the truth to them.

Those who are gay can most accurately describe the situations we are in.

Those who are Muslim can most accurately describe how their lives are.

Those who are transgender people can most accurately describe what their lives are like.

You should get to tell your own story so why shouldn't others?

I love to tell the story about my brother and I. One a gay christian man, the other an atheist transgender man and know that despite their differences, the greatest part of having each other as brothers is that we love each other unconditionally. 

It's possible to love people even if you don't understand their situations. My brother and our relationship are two of the greatest gems I hold dearest to my heart. He's a wonderful example to me and he has taught me so much. 

Try loving someone with all your heart and watch the beauty unfold right in front of your eyes.

4 out of 5 siblings celebrating Jack and Kylie 's (my favorite) wedding.

Questions:

What are Dallin's thoughts as a religious person?

My thoughts are that there is much we don't know. We need to be patient as we try to figure things out and there are many things to figure out. I don't believe God makes mistakes. I believe he gives us many opportunities to challenge the way we think and that maybe, just maybe, other's truth is a truth we haven't discovered yet.

I don't understand what it's like to be a transgender person. People might say there are only two genders, that God doesn't make mistakes and everyone born in their body is exactly male or female. My request to them is to explain then the situation of Intersex people. Being a transgender person and an Intersex person is NOT the same. As we gain more knowledge, we learn there is much to know.

My thoughts is that God will explain everything, but until that point we are to follow the two great commandments.

Matthew 22: 36-40

36 Master, which is the great commandment in the law?

37 Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord they God with all thy heart, and with all they soul, and with all my mind.

38 This is the first and great commandment.

39 And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.

40 On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.

What should I do if  someone tells me they think they are transgender or that they are transgender?

Listen! If someone says they are still figuring things out, tell them you're here to talk to if they need and whatever they decide that you will respect that decision.

Take time to learn about how difficult the situation for them might be and how scary it might have been for them to talk to you about it.

You talked about Intersex people. What does that mean? Where can I learn about that?

Here is a website by the Intersex Society of North America: http://www.isna.org/faq/what_is_intersex

They have answers to many questions. If I find sources that I feel might be more reliable in the future, I will add more or change information so people can better understand. 

Resources To Use

I've been asked multiple times of what resources there are for LGBTQ+ individuals. I've been compiling a list of resources that I personally know of. The Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints doesn't really have a lot, but I have included something they do.

My momma and me. 

These resources will not remove homosexual feelings/Same-Sex Attractions or any feelings of being a Transgender person/experiencing gender dysphoria.

These resources should not be expected to be a "cure-all" and that you'll be 100% happy in all of your life if you use them.

Your greatest resource is accepting you might not know everything and that everyone worth more than any piece of money through all countries and cultures.

These are resources that, for the most part, I personally have used and enjoyed. They are resources that have helped me in accepting myself, helping others accept and understand me (as much as possible that is), and helped me make a lot of caring friends.

I will expand this list as I continue to find more resources and if I feel that they are helpful. 

Groups:

North Star International.

https://northstarlds.org

North Star is an LGBTQ+/LDS group.

There is an FHE group from North Star I've had the luck and blessing to frequently attend. I loved the feelings of camaraderie, peace, and friendship. There are also many discussions on the Facebook group they have. I will say that it can tend to be more of a conservative group. They are very protective about identities since there are people in that group who haven't come out yet.

Blogs:

Ben has done many blogs, podcasts, and more.

These are two personal blogs I've read and have helped put my feelings into words. They are great resources for those who are in the LGBTQ+ community as well as those outside trying to learn more.

Ben Schilaty

When I finally started reading Ben's blog, it was a huge weight off my shoulders. He had a way to put my feelings into words and I've enjoyed reading what he has to say.

http://thegayrm.blogspot.com/

Tristan is a friend of mine and I've enjoyed reading his blog posts and thoughts.

Websites:

https://mormonandgay.lds.org

This pretty much is, as far as I've seen, the only real resource The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has provided. They answer questions, clarify that God loves all his children, and speaks on how we should treat others.

http://www.listenlearnandlove.org/

Richard Ostler helped create this website as a resource for Latter-day Saint's who are LGBTQ+ people. There are blogs, podcasts, events and more.

https://ldsvoicesofhope.org/

LDS Voices of hope was very helpful for me soon after I came out. There are videos and stories that really helped me feel that I wasn't alone.

Books:

"That We May Be One" By Tom Christofferson

I had a chance to get an early copy of this book and I can say it's quite amazing. It is more, per my opinion, for non LGBTQ+ people though.

"In Quiet Desperation" By Ty Mansfield

I haven't had the opportunity to read this book yet, but I have been told it's amazing.

Therapists:

I just want to make sure that I clarify I am not being paid to recommend these therapists. Not all therapists are perfect for everyone and I recommend you find the one who best works with you.

Roy Bickel-Therapist at Aspen Counseling Services in American Fork, Utah.

Roy was actually my therapist and he helped me so much with a variety of subjects. His understanding of the struggles that come with being gay were expounded upon while I went to him and he's a great listener.

Alan B. Hansen-Therapist in Provo, Utah

Alan was recommended to me as someone who is good, but I personally have not met him.

Blake Fisher-BYU Therapist.

I've met Blake once and I can confirm he's a really kind man. He is a therapist at BYU (Provo).

http://connectionscs.com/

Before I was public about being gay, a good friend was recommending therapists to me and recommended this group. He has gone and said they were very helpful to him.

Suicide numbers:

https://www.thetrevorproject.org

The Trevor Project has trained counselors available 24/7. A lot of focus is for youth, but I've heard they have helped so many. If you are suicidal, please give them a call.

For Family and Friends

Facebook group: I'll Walk With You.

My father is part of this facebook group he's really enjoyed being a part of. While it is harder for those who are LGBTQ+, there is still a lot of confusion for those who are the parents and want to know what's best to do and say. You'll find many parents who have been where you are and some are at the exact same place. You can search for the group, but members are kept private.

I Need You To Stand Up

Doesn't matter what the press says, doesn't matter what the politicians or the mobs say, doesn't matter if the whole country decides something wrong is something right. 

This Nation was founded on one principle above all else; the requirement that we stand up for what we believe, no matter the odds or consequences.

When the mob and the press and the whole world tell you to move, your job is to plant yourself like a tree beside the river of truth, and tell the world...

No, YOU move.

- Captain America

A lot has been on my mind the past few weeks. A very publicized suicide at Brigham Young University, a friend who was treated horribly because of things completely outside of his control, and a very special experience I had a few weeks ago.

At the beginning of my lunch break at work I got a notification on my phone that I had been tagged by a coworker and friend on a Facebook post. She tagged me in response to a post by a guy who said he was in search of having the opportunity to talk to a gay person who was also choosing to stay in the church. My friend had tagged me and said they felt I would be a good resource if he had any questions. I noticed he had added me on Facebook so I accepted and we talked for the remainder of my lunch. He seemed sincere enough and so we set up to meet the next day at the University Mall in Orem.

My Roommates' saltwater aquarium. I've named most of these fish including Peter, Princess Buttercup, and Nathaniel.

We met at the food court, grabbed dinner, sat down, and talked. Tanner wanted to hear my story and I shared the basics from elementary school until the present day. He shared his own story on why he wanted to talk to someone in my specific situation. There was a powerful experience he had in the chapel during sacrament that moved my heart.

I won't share the story as it would be a spoiler, (I'll include it after the movie is released), but know it was powerful and moving for me. It is a hard story to listen to, but it is a necessary thing to hear.

He said that in a specific moment, he felt the pure love of Christ for all of Christ's LGBTQ+ children and it strongly moved him. As we talked, I had the opportunity to answer questions, correct small misconceptions, and guide his wording to be accurate. The best part about talking with him was the way he responded and did his very best to not only understand the what and why, but actually apply what I said as we talked. He then told me that he was doing a production of YouTube videos and the name of it was called, "Outcasted." He said it would be focusing on those who feel that they are outcasts, more specifically in church. He mentioned other subjects he's planning on discussing, but he really wanted to hit on how LGBTQ+ people who choose to be members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. He wanted to talk about how we should be treated with love and not hate. We should be welcomed, and not shunned.

My heart was very full that night and I drove home smiling. Growing up I never thought that we would arrive to a point where a young straight man would get on YouTube to stand up for LGBTQ+ people saying we should be welcomed at church for so many people to see through the reaches of the online world. I saw in his heart that he doesn't care what others think. He knows what is right and he knows how others deserve to be treated.

The most powerful thing he said to me was, "I know what it's like to be an outcast and I never want someone to feel that way because of something they can't change."

Those words were music to my ears and relief to my soul.

At the filming with Tanner. 

Tanner invited me to the actual filming of that episode the following Saturday and I readily accepted. He invited me to bring someone else who could also help with their thoughts and feelings. That Saturday, a closeted friend and I went to Provo Library and sat in as they recorded shot after shot. There were  moments where many of us were moved to tears as he shared his stories. My friend and I would give our opinions and feelings and the entire crew listened intently. They were amazing. You could tell they were being respectful and desirous to get it right. They would retake a shot, ask for our approval, and treated us with the highest respect. My friend made a remark on our way home how strange it was that complete strangers knew about him being gay. I am grateful that he was able to have a positive experience with people who would not treat him any different based on that fact.

I'm so grateful that Tanner and his crew are doing something as wonderful as they are.

I am grateful that Tanner is willing to stand up so publicly and say that he wants me to feel welcome and loved. He is willing to fight on my side and that is one of the most valuable things to me.

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds. 

- President Theodore Roosevelt

One of my Walmart weaknesses....... Don't judge.

The person in the arena fighting for what is right is the one who is changing the world. To be in the arena you don't have to be making a YouTube production. To make a change in the world for the better doesn't require being famous or the one with the most praise, shares, or comments. The change starts in your heart and can continue with how you act, speak, and listen.

We all have a little "Make the world better" complex in us because we want to have an influence in others and be the difference. In many situations and cases, the changing of the world is usually in a quiet and creeping way until it we see the results whether they be positive, negative, or even potentially both. Change happens as many say, one mind and one heart at a time. It reminds me of the words of President Ezra Taft Benson in October 1989.

"The scriptures record remarkable accounts of men whose lives changed dramatically in an instant, as it were: Alma the Younger, Paul on the road to Damascus, Enos praying far into the night, King Lamoni, and more. Such astonishing examples of the power to change even those steeped in sin give confidence that the Atonement can reach even those deepest in despair. "

"But we must be cautious as we discuss these remarkable examples. Though they are real and powerful, they are the exception more than the rule. For every Paul, for every Enos, and for every King Lamoni, there are hundreds and thousands of people who find the process of repentance much more subtle, much more imperceptible. Day by day they move closer to the Lord, little realizing they are building a godlike life. They live quiet lives of goodness, service, and commitment. They are like the Lamanites, who the Lord said, "were baptized with fire and with the Holy Ghost, and they knew it not."

I cannot stress the power in numbers of those who think they are just a bunch of nobody's. There is power in the mass, even though the mass might not believe.

When you truly believe in the ability to change, the actual ability to do the changing arrives.

A friend told me that she used part of my blog to help her father understand that homosexuality is not a choice. As she shared this story, she gave me an overwhelming feeling of hope for my future. She showed me that she was willing to stand up for me and those like me. She defended me and it touched my heart.

I don't think you know how meaningful it is for those of us who are so tired and feel so alone. Observing or hearing someone stand up against unkindness or cruelty is a soul-moving experience.

As my friend Straton said, it's my "Self on a Shelf"

"We believe that the most terrifying and destructive feeling that a person can experience is psychological isolation. This is not the same as being alone. it is a feeling that one is locked out of the possibility of human connection and of being powerless to change the situation. In the extreme, psychological isolation can lead to a sense of hopelessness and desperation. People will do almost anything to escape this combination of condemned isolation and powerlessness."

-Jean Baker Miller and Irene Stiver, relational-cultural theorists from the Stone Center at Welleshley College.

A student recently committed suicide at BYU and there has been a lot of news, commentary, and pleading that have appeared through social networks because of this event. The moment I heard the news, my heart felt sorrowful and I quietly mourned for her. Within a week another friend said he was wanting to kill himself as life seemed to be all going down a black hole of confusion, anger, misunderstandings, coming from disgusting, self-centered, and unfair judgment as well as horrifying acts that happened to him.

Enough is enough is a phrase that is not in the past or is getting old. It is a statement we must keep changing and getting better. The progression that has happened sometimes seems unfathomable, but I know we aren't where we need to be.

Please stand up. I need you to stand up. I need you to speak out. I need you to follow up on your words, "I am here if you need anything."

One life is more than enough and we already have lost too many. Will you wait until it is your child or your friend?

We need you. I need you.

So please stand up.

This Isn't About Me

The FHE activity was a success! The murder mystery was complete, the culprit was caught by some of the teams, the food was eaten, and the cleaning up had started. Everyone had had a really great time and I'd been told by multiple people they were glad they came. After about 2 hours of making everything perfect, all we had to do was clean up and then go home. I grabbed the plates, utensils, and napkins. I asked my FHE Co-chair Nicki where she wanted me to put all the items I was holding.

"Let's see if we can get Alexis to open up the closet for us." She said.

I responded saying, "Oooooh, I don't do well with closets, I just came out of one in April."

Nicki and my other friend Bene who was right behind me started laughing. Others around us looked like they weren't sure what to do but then started laughing as well. I felt incredibly successful that not only had my joke been laughed at, but it was a gay joke that had been laughed at.

If you know me, I love jokes. I love to make others laugh and feel some kind of relief from the stress of life. I love to make people feel like there is really happiness in the world even if the world doesn't seem happy right now. Even if it's to the extent of getting eye rolls at how bad my dad joke is, you could say I'm a faux pa since I have no kids, it's worth it for me. More and more since coming out I try to find more opportunities to make appropriate gay jokes especially around my straight friends and some of them wonder why I have to crack so many jokes.

It's for one of my communities.

It's not specifically for me. It's for them. It's for us.

If you want gay people to stop talking about so many gay things, then you need to stop talking about all the straight things. That includes straight people finding relationships, straight marriage, straight dates, straight hand-holding, straight spouses, straight plans for the weekend, straight guy and girl jokes, straight movies, straight tv shows, and more. If you think that yours should be allowed and mine shouldn't because it's "too much," then you're saying to me that you are used to everything being heterosexual and you don't want to make room for me and what is part of my life.

My roommate decorating for Christmas before Thanksgiving was done. Scandalous I know, but I'm glad he did.

Normalizing homosexuality in heterosexual environments hasn't actually been as difficult as I imagined. Granted the environments I am in are usually quite accepting of me being gay, which does make it easier. I've been trying to get rid of taboos on certain subjects so people can talk freely while being encouraged to have discussions where both parties are considerate of the other's feelings and be willing to listen to the other person's side. I have understood and seen how even in such discussions, the two parties (sometimes myself included) separate without having come to the same conclusion or way of thinking which is destined to happen and it is normal. There have been occasions where civility is lacking at an incredible amount and hurtful things are said on both sides. I will agree there have been horrible things from both sides. However in many instances, I have seen more negativity pointed towards those of the LGBT+ community. When unkind words are returned to the first perpetrator and the first to punch gets mad there were comments returned, I think of a beaten dog. You can't hit a dog so many times and get angry when it bites back acting as you have done nothing wrong.

There is a taboo label on the discussion of homosexuality especially in Utah among members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. It's a sensitive topic that seems to be on fire and if you try to approach, you'll get burned. People are quite nervous because they don't know how to ask what they don't understand with sincerity but without being offensive. It's a scary idea because of past experiences or passed on experiences. I get it.

I'm scared too.

I live in both worlds and I am scared too.

My heart always beats at the pace of what feels like a million miles an hour any time I open up and tell people that I'm gay. I've been out for 7 months and it still gets my heart racing. I have no idea what to expect from others because everyone is so different. I brace myself and hold my breath hoping I'm not about to be told that I am disgusting or even worse. Believe me, there is much worse that is still currently said about us from even those who call themselves loving and charitable Christians. Any time it's another male, I wonder if he will be like the rare few in the news who beat up gay men just for the fact that they are gay.

My parents and I on Thanksgiving

My mind is always screaming at me to not "do too much" because it could upset people that I'm always talking about being gay (as if it wasn't such a big part of my life). I feel that sometimes I can get ambitious about sharing, joking, talking, and asking questions that open up about me being gay, but I always remind myself, this isn't about me. This isn't just for me. It's for them. It's for the quiet and closeted people in and out of the church who are scared of the world and what it has offered us. It's so they have an opportunity to see that someone is willing to talk about it and there are people who, while not LGBT+, are okay with it and laugh at the jokes. Sure, in the end it does help me out because I am gay and it's making it more normal, but it's never been about me.

It's for the girl who I have never met and we talked on the phone for 45 minutes while she cried because while she likes both men and women, she has only fallen in love with women. She wants to do what she knows is right but she doesn't know how to balance what she believes and what she feels.

It's for the boy whose heart is broken because he wishes his parents would love him as he is and not try to fix what they feel needs to be fixed.

It's for the older generation of LGBT+ to see that the younger ones are changing the way of thinking and the manner of being so they don't have to be as defensive anymore as they have had to be because we are moving towards a safer world.

It's for my friend who said he's only out to a handful of people that he is bi and it's a confusing and hard life, but he feels comfortable and safe around me.

It's for those who will ask in anonymous Q&A's like one my stake recently had and they asked about how to be more inclusive to the LGBTQ+ community. It might have been a cry for help or just a question. I don't know if it was a straight person asking for themselves because they don't know how or a closeted person asking the visiting 70 that night so they could maybe feel a bit more loved. They did get that loving answer from him. I needed that answer too. He, Elder J. Devn Cornish, said that this subject calls for all the compassion in the world.

All the compassion in the world is what my goal is for them. I want the many experiences I've had hearing, "Okay" as the response for them too if they ever decide to come out to someone or to everyone. I want them to hear how much they are loved and this changes nothing. I want them to hear how much they are wanted and desired.

To achieve this goal, however, there are many obstacles to go over, under, around, and sometimes through. That is really intimidating to me. As my bishop said, I'm trying to help plow a path not many have taken. It's really scary, hard, and even burdensome sometimes. I don't always feel like continuing. I sometimes feel that I wish I'd never come out because the burden of being an example (by choice or not) can be rough. I feel that I'm tired and I can't move the mountain as good as others could, so I should just step back.

Then I remember.

I remember my loved ones as I came out to them. I remember the comments I received as I opened up my heart and soul to them with all the vulnerability possible.

"Well, my friends say it's really great to have a gay friend."

"What? Why do they say that?"

"Well, they said you can talk about cute guys together."

I remember Krista telling me that as we sat in my car outside her house. She's my best friend's younger sister and our relationship has always been important to me. It was probably the first thing she'd said to me after I came out to her and it was probably the most important. With that sentence, she communicated that she was okay with me being gay and the relief off my shoulders was phenomenal. I want that to be something others hear when they open up. I want them to hear from their friends that they're glad they were told and that they still mean the world to them. I want them to see that their relationships with their family and friends aren't going to change for the worse, but for the better.

I remember it's for them. When I remember them, I am given strength to keep on going.

It's for you. It might take one person a while to move the mountain to build the easier path, but with many people doing it on all sides, even if we aren't connected, we will eventually break it down and then move on to the next mountain with more people who are able to help.

I'm being me with an extra effort to let others see who I am in authenticity so they can feel calmer and more at peace that this isn't a scary subject we never talk about. This is just a part of life.

The Velveteen Rabbit and the Skin Horse

This quote is from the Velveteen Rabbit.
"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long long time, not just to play with, but really loves you, then you became Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real, you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out, and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real, you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

I want to get to a world where everyone is as Real as the Skin Horse says. Where nobody is ugly because everyone understands. Is that ambitious and potentially impossible? Yes.

But are you worth it? Are we all worth it?

The answer is also yes, so I do it anyways.

Being Gay Isn't A Light Switch Experience

"It isn't something you can turn on or off like a light switch." My friend said that as we talked about how I'd been told I just need to find the right girl and how I should just be straight. As she said those words, they reminded me how much some people really just don't understand what they are saying and how it can affect other people. More often than not, people really do have the best intentions. However, in trying to give hope and encouragement, there are often times I am told something that is actually quite insensitive and without thought on what it means to me.

You're going to be made straight after dying.

I was in the backseat of a car with my friend and their parents as we were headed to a concert. I was telling my friend about my blog and the really positive responses that I'd been receiving. Soon enough, the parent's jumped into the conversation and I explained about my blog to them in more depth and detail as they hadn't heard any of this from me before. As our conversation continued, I was asked about my feelings of what is going to happen in the afterlife to me. Do you think you'll be changed to be straight? I tried to express my feelings about how I don't know and that nobody knows. If the leaders of the church know, they haven't said anything either so as of right now, there has been no revelation from God on what exactly will happen.

For my best friend's birthday, we visited his brothers grave. It's one of the reasons I'm excited for the afterlife.

As I tried to explain about what my thoughts were, I got responses of saying why wouldn't I believe that and how someone they know who is gay and also a member of the church believes that. I listened with a heavy heart as the mother told me that it was her belief that I would be changed to be straight so I could be perfect. As I listened, I looked out the window and a certain phrase popped in my head once again.

I really wish I was dead. I'm not suicidal, but I really wish I was dead.

At that moment, my friend asked, "Dallin, are you okay?" quietly enough so his parents couldn't hear. I looked over at my friend and nodded yes because now I was when seconds prior I was feeling sad.

Please don't use the afterlife and presumed knowledge of what is going to happen to give us comfort to fight the good fight. It doesn't encourage us to keep fighting. It is a very depressing moment for us because it is saying that whenever we die, we will be straight and don't have to feel these horrible feelings anymore that we have been told are not part of God's plan. You might not think that this is a suicidal suggestion, but I can promise you that it really is. I have heard dozens of remarks from men and women about being told "everything will be fixed" in the afterlife and how it makes them feel they would rather be dead than alive. I attended a presentation given by a straight man who was once a bishop over young single adults on how you can be a good member of the church and still love LGBT+ people. With him there was a BYU student who is gay and this student said that this statement lead him to say, "I would rather be dead and straight than alive and gay."

Telling us that death has the answer to the end of our suffering is a dangerous game. I would never tell someone dealing with Multiple Sclerosis that if they just quit now and kill themselves, it's going to be better in the next life. Maybe that's not the exact words you use, but the meaning sounds the same.

It's exactly the same as single women who don't get married. It's all about the law of chastity!

No. It is not exactly the same and let me explain why.

A single woman is, more often than not, looking for her future husband even when the chances seem slim and not very desirable. They can continue on with the smallest amount of hope that maybe one day in this life they will find their prince charming. My hope is that I don't find a prince charming.

We have been promised in the afterlife that if we can't get married here, we will be able to be married there. While that is not encouraging to say to sisters either, they are going to get what they want. They get to find the husband of their dreams and he will be perfect! Quite literally, everything will be perfect if we keep pushing forward.

I however, have been told that I do not get what I want. I want to marry a man, but everyone tells me that I'm going to change so then I can be straight and I'll marry a woman. Women are beautiful, amazing, and exemplary humans. The natural abilities that they have, though vast and different, are spectacular. I, however, I am not attracted to them and it's difficult to hear that I am going to be changed. It is a statement that can make me, as well as other LGBT+ people, feel broken. We aren't broken and we weren't cast off to the side to suffer in misery of wanting a partner but not being able to have one. The church leadership says we didn't choose to be gay, so we can't claim that the feelings alone are a choice.

I do not want to downplay the sisters pain at all. Their pain is valid, real, and difficult and any kind of mockery or "fixing" comments are not helpful nor encouraging. I, however, am not equipped to speak for them.

I understand where you are coming from but I would hope you understand they are not the same nor can they be compared in a congruent manner.

Gays are trying to ruin our marriages!

"In God's eternal plan, salvation is a personal matter; exaltation is a family matter."

Those were the words of our dear prophet Russell M. Nelson. It speaks to me on different levels. The actions of those outside of a marriage, or out of our own personal choice in our lives, cannot make the final decision of the direction of our life. Those inside the marriage, or their personal lives, are the ones who choose what will happen with their own future and salvation.

"Gays are trying to ruin our marriages!" Once again, the same voice shrieked out in my ward's sunday school class. This girl brought up the family proclamation every single week in sunday school. In every week, she would also accuse all gays of trying to ruin straight people's marriages. All the while I sat there on my seat as a closeted gay man who had been celebrating every heterosexual wedding and marriage as long as the relationships were wholesome and good. I wanted to stand up and yell at how we are not out to ruin your marriages, but I was still in the closet and couldn't risk everyone finding out, especially in that way.

At the Scarlet Pimpernel with Kjirsten at the Hale Center Theater. We loved it!

I get it! God has said man and woman, husband and wife. However, like President Nelson said,  salvation is a personal matter. If your marriage isn't working or there are problems, we gay people really aren't to blame. I don't hear anyone screaming out about abuse to children or to spouses. Nobody is constantly pointing out that abuse, pornography, adultery, and more are destroying marriages heterosexual and homosexual. To so many people, however, their focus is on how gays specifically are doing their best to ruin marriages.

Some people are referring to the institution and sanctity of marriage which again, I understand. My opinion on gay marriage is that it isn't hurting anyone specifically like abuse so I see no reason on why it shouldn't be allowed. Everyone has the right to their own agency and preventing people from making such choices sounds like a certain brother of ours who wanted to control all and gain all the glory possible. There are many things that others do that are harmful to others, but a homosexual wedding can't affect your marriage directly.

The result of a marriage is between the two people in that marriage. The destruction of a marriage is a sad thing to see. Sometimes it is necessary for separation and I understand that. I don't understand on a personal level, but I have seen multiple marriages end up splitting because of one or both spouses are doing things that are not okay.

I promise you I will go to your straight weddings! I will take pictures. I will make jokes. I will take selfies with you. I will celebrate your marriage and wish you as much hope and happiness as I can muster. Your marriages are important to me because I know how important it is to have that one by your side who will always love you forever.

You just have to find the right girl and everything will be fixed.

Every time someone says this to me, I want to say, "Well you just need to find the right guy/girl (whichever one they are) and it will be great!"

Whenever I have responded with that statement, I have gotten some weird looks. Huh. Funny how that works isn't it?

No, I don't have to "find the right girl." I know of SO MANY marriages where the husband or wife is homosexual and their partner is heterosexual where in the end it doesn't end up working out. Like I said in my last point, the ending of any marriage is a sad event and these are not an exception. It is very discouraging to see and I look at it thinking would I really go into a marriage with a woman knowing that maybe one day one or both of us will end up not satisfied and it causes a rift between us?

With Callie and Katie after Katie's (one of my bff's) sealing.

It was once suggested me that I should just try sex with a woman because maybe that way it might make more sense and I wouldn't want to be gay anymore. I, along with this guys girlfriend and another friend, just looked at him in utter disbelief. One, breaking the law of chastity isn't a good idea. Second, like I just said I'm not going to get married to a woman just to have sexual relations with her to find out that it didn't change a thing.

In many cases it is about finding the "right person" even though I don't think that there are soul mates and you are only able to be with them. I feel that we are compatible with some people as a spouse and not compatible with others. It's not a bad thing. It's just the way that it is. Marriage alone is a scary thing because of all the horror stories we have heard and continue to hear. Whatever your situation, marriage isn't something we expect to be 100% pure bliss and happiness.

Me being gay means I am not attracted to women and it isn't about just "finding the right girl." Yes, I know of mixed-orientation marriages (a marriage between partners of different sexual orientations) and they are working well. That's great for them, but each path is so different that you aren't able to fully compare and say, "Well they did it so you are able to as well."


Being gay isn't something I can just turn on or off. It isn't a light switch experience.

What can we do better to be sensitive to others and their trials?

I recently bought the movie, "The Help." Quick synopsis of the movie is a Southern Society girl Skeeter returns from college to her home in Mississippi in the 1960's with the hopes of being a writer. She turns her small town on its ear by choosing to interview the black women who have spent their lives taking care of prominent white families. Only Aibileen, the housekeeper of Skeeter's best friend, will talk at first. But as the pair continue the collaboration, more women decide to come forward, and as it turns out, they have quite a lot to say.

The movie is a blatant show of deep and disgusting racism and discrimination back in the 1960's. As part of the movie, Aibileen's voice can be heard in the movie and she said something quite profound to me.

"No one had ever asked me what it felt like to be me. Once I told the truth about that, I felt free."

Emily heard I was sick and brought me Halloween cupcakes! They were #delish

I feel the same about coming out and being out having the opportunity to be a more authentic Dallin Steele. I feel free. Whatever constraints or limits people have tried to put on me even after coming out, I feel free.

Ever since watching that movie for the fifth time and hearing that declaration of freedom again, I have made an extra effort to ask a specific question when someone opens up about something that seems difficult. I ask, "Is that hard for you?" with as much sincerity as possible. Every single time, I feel a heart opened up and they have said yes. That word is usually accompanied with tears and a moment of silence. I try not to presume that what I say is going to be the best for the person in front of me whether online or in person.

Take time to ask people what they think and listen. You may not agree, but one's trials are a reality to them. Their feelings are real. We as human beings are desperate for consolation and comfort, so instead of presuming and trying to fix each other with words, let us do it with listening, learning, and loving.

My Thoughts On Coming Out

I've been wanting to write a post about my feelings on coming out. This is such a huge thing for LGBTQ+ people and it's such a complex action.

First of all, to all you LGTBQ+ people, I love you SO MUCH! Your hearts are some of the biggest I've ever met and you're so amazing! I am so glad you're here on the earth with me and I get to be part of a beautiful community with you.

Second thing. We all need to understand that nobody has to come out. You don't have to tell someone about you if you don't want to or don't feel they deserve to know. Nobody has a right to know they are LGBTQ+ first except the person themselves. 

In the past four to five years, I found out about and continuted to learn more about Brene Brown and her research. Brene Brown is a shame researcher and has multiple books that have been published. She has a PHD, is a Licensed Master Social Worker, and I absolutely love her work. In one of her books that I'm reading, she shares a story about the "marble jar." Her daughter came home one day and told her a tragic story about something that happened at school. The teacher had a large, clear glass vase and if the kids were good, the teacher would add marbles to the jar. If they were bad, she'd take marbles out. If they got the marbles up to the top of the jar, they would get a party. Her daughter shared a funny but slightly embarrassing thing with a friend hoping to keep it secret but by the time they got back from lunch, everyone knew. The other girls were still laughing about it enough to cause a distraction so the teacher took marbles out of the jar.

Brene and her daughter discussed what they called, "Marble Jar Friends." When someone is kind, nice, understanding, really listen to you or other good things, more marbles go into their "friendship jar." If they do unkind things and are mean, share your secrets or other such things, they lose marbles from the jar. Those who have more marbles in their jar are the friends we can be more open with and are those who we can always count on, no matter what the situation is. We can be more vulnerable. In my own way, I have described it as my Totem Pole of Worthiness. I've gone back and forth with other ideas on what feels more fitting, but until then, it's the Totem Pole of Worthiness. How it works is essentially the same as the marble jar. I will be vulnerable in small amounts with people. Depending on how they act, they either stay at the bottom of the pole or begin to work their way to the top. At the top of the pole are those who have shown I can trust them with anything and everything in my life. Depending on which level someone is will determine the amount of vulnerability I will express with them. There aren't many people at the top. I have four.

My cat Classy and I spending time together at home.

Over a year ago, a friend came out to me as gay. They didn't know I was gay, but wanted to come out to me. I immediately came out to them in response. We were both busy that day but wanted to talk the next day. When we met up, we talked for hours and hours. They were one of the very first people I actually said I was gay to. Before we opened up, I had maybe around 10 people who knew. They were friends and family who for one reason or another, I opened up to. This was all after my mission and the burden was very heavy. It had gotten lighter with each person but I was still very unsure about being open about my sexuality. This friend was suddenly much higher on the totem pole and we kept talking over the next while. It was, in a way to describe it, heavenly. I felt a huge burden had been lifted off my shoulders because I FINALLY found someone who thought pretty similarly to me and was struggling with the same things I was. They introduced me to their family. All of their family knew, and they didn't care! In fact they would make jokes about it to my friend and my friend soaked it all in. It felt normal to talk about it so openly. The safety I felt being among that family was freeing and I knew I didn't want anything else for me and my life, so I decided to open up to more people.

In less than two months after that initial experience, I was out to an extra 30 people. Not all of these people were on the highest point of my totem pole, but they were pretty high up there. Most responded with great love, but it wasn't the same for everyone. One person was frustrated with me. I was the first person they had ever had come out to them and they didn't know how to react. They felt I had been lying to them our entire friendship and they had to re-learn who I was. They had come to a realization all by themselves about how it was okay and they asked for my forgiveness which I did give.

Here is the thing though. In my quick and rash decisions, I could have shared that information with someone who COULD have decided to share it publicly in their frustrations. Others might do it in a rage or because they feel disgusted.

If you decide to come out to someone, please be careful.

If someone decides to come out to you, please feel honored.

Being LGBTQ+ is a very scary thing. People in other countries are still being beaten, tortured, and even killed if they're found to be one of my community. Heckling, hate, and misconceptions are rampant even to this day. There is danger is out there for people who are out or their secret is discovered. It's not even just those we don't know. It's those we do. It's really scary to think that you might lose someone over something you can't control. Our relationships with others mean the world to us and isolation is a terrifying thing.

Lucy, my roommates cat, missed him while on vacation

If we open up to you, especially if we're in the closet, you can bet we've been thinking about it for a while, so please feel honored that we would trust you with this beautiful part of who we are.

Most of the people I came out to before the big reveal responded and still respond with love no matter how flamboyant I might act, kind corrections I give, or how many gay jokes I make, moved up on my totem pole. They treat me with honor and respect. They know I'm not perfect and they don't expect me to be. They let me have my own voice and listen to my thoughts and opinions. I recently texted one of these people. She was one of the first I came out to at work and she hasn't asked me a single question. I messaged her and asked her why. In her response she said, "You are still you and that is what matters." She is very high on my totem pole.

When coming out to people, don't rush it. It's one of the hardest lessons I still have to learn about life in general because I can be a very impulsive (and to be honest impatient) person. I get excited about certain life prospects and want it all done now. When it comes to people and opening up about who you are, take the time. Think about who they are. Think about how they treat you. If you're not out, this is such a special gift to give others, but again, nobody deserves to know about you except you. To quote Brene Brown, she says, "Sharing appropriately, with boundaries, means sharing with people with whom we've developed relationships that can bear the weight of our story. The result of this mutually respectful vulnerability is increased connection, trust, and engagement." I love that so much. I shared my secret with siblings, friends, coworkers, and other family members who had built up trust over time. They had shown me they loved me and were there for me no matter what.

My process of coming out publicly really started when my friend came out to me and we expressed our desires to stop hiding. I had recently started going to therapy and I began discussing it with my therapist. My therapist was a gift from above. He was the first therapist I went to and he was 100% perfect which is rare to find on the first go according to my friends and family. For part of my therapy, we discussed coming out because I said wanted to. He said to me, "Don't come out to just come out Dallin. Once you put it out there, it's out there and you can't take it back." I felt a bit disgruntled because I felt he was stalling me, but the back of my mind shook its finger at me and said that he was right. The entire time between me even thinking of coming out publicly and coming out was around seven months. I knew after five months that I was going to, but I didn't know until two months before the actual act.

Publicly coming out was the scariest thing that I have ever done. Memories flowed in my head right before I posted on Facebook and they weren't exactly gay-friendly. I remember feeling shame whenever an adult figure mentioned their gay cousin and how they weren't too involved in the family. I took that as it was shameful to be gay and we don't talk about it. There were kids who tormented others about being gay because they found enjoyment in bullying. Church leaders who would say unkind things and make homophobic jokes. Some used the word "faggot" every now and then. Missionaries in my mission made jokes as well and made hateful comments. I heard disgusted comments multiple times about gay couples who were walking down the streets. I expected to lose so many of my friends and even some family.

Publicly coming out was one of the best things I have ever done. There were outpouring comments of love. There were comments made on that Facebook post that were the some of the highest compliments I have ever received. All of my fears were swept away as people liked and loved my post. People reached out to me personally. They thanked me for my courage. They told me they loved me. They told me they looked up to me. People at work would pull me aside and just tell me how awesome I am and how brave I was. Many people reacted kindly. If there was anyone who deleted me as a friend on Facebook, I couldn't tell you who they were. Either I didn't lose anyone or they weren't important enough in the first place. I was rallied around. I was supported. I felt that I was loved and I was.

Me with some of the Gurr children. The Gurrs have been such a support to me before and after me coming out. 

My public and private coming out experiences and outcomes are rare for the LGBTQ+ community. My first bishop I came out to gave me the perfect response. I had burst into tears about how I was struggling with my work trying to be the best that I could, struggling with my calling, with problems in my family, and I was gay. As I finished pouring out about my trials to a wonderful man who I'd worked with for years, he said, "Dallin, I just want to say first that I love you." While he was still learning, he expressed pure love to me. My second bishop I came out to, the ward I'm in right now, has never made me feel unwelcome because I'm gay. He has asked for my thoughts on subjects and I go to him for council.

From leadership to family to friends, I have been richly blessed and extremely lucky. Many people are treated horribly and differently. They are rejected. I saw a heart-wrenching experience to a person dear to my heart where a member of the church said, "I love you and I testify that the Book of Mormon is true but because you are going to act on this, I'm not going to speak with you anymore." This is the reason the hardest coming out wasn't to myself. It was to my best friend. I feared that he would hate me. I feared that he would be disgusted and would abandon me. He didn't though. His first words to me were, "Oh Dallin don't cry!" I was a sobbing mess at that point because it was the moment of truth and the fears of the years washed over my emotions.

I look back on these past 5 months and I can't express how lucky I am to have who I have. I feel blessed at the strength Jesus offers me and continues to give me. For those who are newer to my blog, I had consulted with Heavenly Father about me coming out and on April 15th, 2018, he told me he wanted me to come out. Having followed what he asked, I felt given strength to keep going. I still feel it. My relationship with my Heavenly Father has gotten stronger in these past 6 months. Something that I read before I came out was the Church's statement on if you want to come out. "If you decide to share your experiences of feeling same-sex attraction or to openly identify as gay, you should be supported and treated with kindness and respect, both at home and in church. We all need to be patient with each other as we figure things out."

Hanging out with a baby horse

My suggestion for someone wondering if they should come out is take your time to figure it out first. You never have to come out if you don't want to. You can come out if you want to. Those decisions are yours and yours alone. They should never be taken away from you. You can tell who you want and you don't have to tell anyone you don't want to.

Straight and Cisgender people. My short message to you is I love you, but please let us be us. Do not force on us that we need to come out. Listen to us. We all have something to learn from each other. You sometimes won't know how to answer to the sudden revelation. Sometimes people might ask you questions like what God's plan is for us. I don't even fully know what it is and I know many if not all LGBTQ+ people don't have a full understanding of what the plan is for us and how it fully includes us. To end, i'll recommend you watch this short clip made about a presentation given by Brene Brown (yes I know, I've quoted her a lot).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw&t=4s

My LGBTQ+ family, you're so amazing! Find those people who will cherish you. I can promise it's worth it to find them. The weight and burden on your shoulders will lift. You will feel welcome, wanted, and important. You will feel safe. They will edify you. They are worth the wait.