My Experience As a Gay Missionary

My heart was pounding partly from excitement and partly because my legs were trying to move as quickly as they could without leaving my companion or Mama Nico behind. Eyes frantically searching. Then I saw him, my father. He was sitting on a bench in the Mexico City airport like there wasn't a care in the world. He had come to spend time with me in the last few days of one of the greatest experiences of my life.

Soon after this picture, I gave my father his nametag that said "Papa de misionero" or Father of a Missionary

I hadn't seen this man in person for 729 days and I was thrilled to see him after such a long time. Having my father come pick me up was one of many amazing experiences I had on my mission in the Mexico, Mexico City, Northwest Mission. The next few days he got to put names to faces as I introduced him to some of the most wonderful Mexicans in the world. We got to tour the Aztec pyramids together. He got to hear testimonies from people I had the opportunity to teach about the gospel of Jesus Christ. He had the opportunity to be among the greatest humans ever. My favorite part of traveling with my father in my mission was us bearing testimony the last Sunday before coming home. I said mine in Spanish and then translated my father's testimony for the members. It was incredibly special for me to testify of our Savior Jesus Christ together.

My mission is one of the most important things to me, no matter what others think or say. People say things, but they truly do not understand. They guess, assume, and presume. The ability to share your beliefs and invite what brings you happiness to others is amazing. Meeting people you'd more than likely never have met before and seeing them follow their happiness is amazing even if it is not your way. Going to Mexico City, in my opinion, is the best location for a mission, but that's just me.

Mexico City is an absolutely astounding and awe-striking place. It is full of humble and wonderful people. It is also packed. It is extremely overloaded with people. It is in the top 25 cities with the highest population in the world, but it's not very big geographically. In my opinion, most of their food is quite delectable. There are certain foods I never have particularly been interested in like chicken feet, Menudo, or Tripa. Most people I encountered in Mexico City have very outgoing personalities. Some people were introverted and they were just as extraordinary. Many families are incredibly tightly knit and if you can become their friend, you have become their family. They have the biggest hearts. They stand their ground if they feel they are being taken advantage of. They feel that all should work hard together to serve each other. Many had the "all for one and one for all" feeling with their family and choice friends. So many have a desire to follow God and to praise him. I was so lucky to be called to serve specifically them for two years.

People have asked me questions about how it was to be gay on a mission. The main two reasons are 1) how do you teach and invite people to accept the teachings of God when the teachings feel like they are against you and 2) because I'm around another man for 24 hours in a day, 7 days of a week for 2 whole years.

Missions give you many opportunities to build a stronger relationship with the Holy Ghost, our Savior, and our Heavenly Father. You get to build relationships with people who you didn't know before and with people you already know. You get to learn a lot about yourself including your strengths and weaknesses.

My MTC district, (Left to right) Elders Watts, Welch, Larson, Deem, Steele, Peterson, Jones, and Barton

I don't understand the need to question how a gay missionary's experience was with their sexuality. Sexual temptations do not only happen to gay people. Sexual temptations do not only happen to men. To say that someone is protected from temptations or even the likelihood of sinning is lessened because they are not a specific gender or even because of their sexual preference is to say that others have no need to be tested. It is to say they are above sin and are stronger. One person is not exempt from one kind of temptation. To get this over with, I will tell you. It was the same as ever. It was hard at times and easy in others. Just like a straight person.  Surprise!

Heavenly Father used me being gay to help me be more compassionate. He helped stem my pride. He taught me that not everyone may be kind to me, but it should encourage me to be kind to all. You do not have to spend time with people who are oppressive but for the bettering of the world, you also do not need to be cruel. Some missionaries in my mission were homophobic which definitely strengthened the idea of staying in the closet. Some of the missionaries were some of the kindest men and women I met in those two years. One missionary who I always looked up to was Elder Lamb. He was a Zone Leader and he led by example. Things he taught me about teaching and the gospel have helped me in my life and I am eternally grateful.

Elder Pike ready for Christmas

I had some amazing companions who taught me many things. I had great opportunities with them to work together and help brothers and sisters not only learn about the gospel of Jesus Christ, but also accept invitations to follow our Saviors example and to join His church. We definitely had fun times as well as spiritual times.

Elder Layton and I in the La Laguna ward

I got to meet many people. Some of them were empathetic and kind. Some were doubtful of our intentions. Some of them were unkind. Some of them were discriminatory. Some of them bought food and water for us, but wouldn't say why. Walking down the street and having many people wave at us or hear a member yell, "Elders!" was not uncommon.  I got yelled at multiple times for the racism that is in the United States. I also got talked to about how wonderful the people in the United States are. I got spit on. I got hugged. I got sworn at. I got praised.

I got asked by a woman if she could take my eyes out and keep them forever. Yeah. Weird people aren't only in Utah.

One of the most precious gems in this world lives in Mexico City. Her name is Mama Nico. There aren't many people who can have my heartstrings tugged at just by thinking of them but she is definitely one of them. Mama Nico is the mother of a woman I baptized. I remember the first time I called her Mama Nico instead of "Hermana." She quietly whispered to Ana pointing out that my name for her had changed. She was extra happy that visit. She always made sure we had food in our stomachs, our clothes were clean, and people treated us right. She made sure there were no doubts that not only were we loved, but that we were loved by her. We weren't just missionaries in her home. We were home. We were with our Mama and she made sure we knew it. She expressed such passion in believing in God and how he helps us. She made sure her opinions were heard and she rarely budged. I think about her daily and my heart aches that I don't get to go see her for her big bear hugs whenever I want.

English Classes with Elders Disego, Ware, Echeverria, Barben, Steele, and Nogueda.

Another angel I met is Melanie. She was the daughter of a less-active member who had left the church years ago. I had met the mother once before months prior and she wasn't exactly kind to us. This time around (4ish months later and with a new companion), Melanie asked her mother if we could come in. She was reluctant, but we were let in to teach. Melanie was an incredibly bright girl and learned faster than most adults we taught. She loved the way we remembered the 10 commandments with our fingers so she memorized them in one night and taught them to her extended family. The extended family was a mix of different faiths and were happy she was taking religious classes. They also invited her to their churches, but she politely declined saying she was going to "the Mormon church." After about a month of teaching sweet Melanie and her mother, we could see significant changes in their lives. The mother seemed happier with less of a weight on her shoulders. One day as Elder Layton and I sat down on their couch, Melanie's mother said she wanted to talk to us. We glanced at each other, slightly apprehensive of what she was going to say. She told us that after the first time we taught a lesson and left, Melanie turned to her mother as they watched us walk away and asked, "Mama, why do the Elders have wings?" Her mother looked at us and said she didn't see anything. Melanie insisted that she could see a glow around us and bright beautiful wings on our backs. Tears ran down our cheeks as her mother continued to tell us that after we walked out of sight, Melanie rushed into their living room and was twirling around. "Mommy!" she exclaimed, "The room smells like flowers!" She didn't believe Melanie at first, but she testified to us that every single time we left, the house smelled like roses. I was transferred to a different area before Melanie got baptized. I will always remember her words. I was an angel to that girl and she was an angel to me. 

At the Aztec pyramids sitting on the Pyramid of the sun looking at the Pyramid of the moon.

Years later, I was sitting in ward council on a Sunday morning in Lehi Utah and I looked at my phone to check the time. I quickly stepped out and went down to the Stake Presidents office for an interview. President Rob Elzey met with me and asked me to be the Elders Quorum President for the American Fork YSA 2nd ward. I had been released as the 1st counselor almost 7 months prior to an amazing President Tyler Brown and I thought there was some mistake that I was picked, but I accepted. President Elzey testified to me of the amazing power of leading from the back of the group to make sure not one person was lost.

I walked outside and instantly called my father. I told him that I had been called as the EQP. He said, "That's great Dallin!" Tears flowed down my eyes as I doubted that I could even come close to doing a good job. I started sobbing and I think realization washed over my father that I was scared. He said the most precious words he has repeated multiple times to me throughout my life. He said, "God bless you Dallin." I sobbed some more and he consoled me telling me that I would do a wonderful job. I still had my doubts.

Finally home next to my mother

How could a gay man lead an elders quorum? How could he make a difference in the lives of straight men? I wasn't good enough to be an Elders Quorum President.

Over a year later, I was still the president and my second counselor Josh and I were visiting brothers in our ward. We were able to chat a little bit with one who I'd never seen before. I didn't know him and I didn't know about his activity in the church as some people go to their home wards for whatever reason they so desire (which is okay). He was a very shy person and didn't talk much. He came a few times to the ward after our visit. I greeted him but could tell he was still not ready to be too social. So I would smile, tell him it was good to see him, pat his shoulder, and then walk away. He kept coming and sometime afterwards, we as an EQ presidency had prayed on who should be our new secretary. It was him. I asked if he and I could meet and I then proceeded to ask him to be my secretary. The exact look of fear I am sure President Elzey saw in my face were clear to me in this young man's eyes, but he instantly said yes. I said that was great and then his face faltered. He looked at me and said, "I haven't had a calling before. I don't know what to do." I smiled and informed him that I would help him. He excelled in his calling. Later on, he found a girl in another ward and started dating her. Our singles ward was made up of singles from two home stakes in it. We were split up to be combined with other wards and I didn't get to see too much of him after that. He kept dating his girlfriend, they later got sealed in the temple and they now have a beautiful daughter. 

Later on, I was released as EQP and then immediately called as an Executive Secretary. They didn't let me get a moments peace (it makes me laugh all the time). After a while in my new calling, a girl in my ward texted me and asked me for a blessing. She'd reached out to me a few times prior to find out about activities. She said she didn't know her home teachers (Yep, I was alive during the era of home teaching) and she didn't know many men in the ward. She expressed the desire for a blessing of guidance. I gave her a blessing and as I conveyed the words the Holy Ghost wanted me to, I felt a surge of love from Heavenly Father towards her. I knew that my hands were on the head of an angel and an excellent representative of our brother Jesus Christ. Tears flowed down both of our eyes during the blessing. When I had finished, she expressed gratitude that she could trust me and know that I was a man who held the priesthood worthily. 

I think anyone and everyone can have such experiences that helps others in their lives. I just happened to be that president. I happened to be the man in that ward. I wish people didn't think that the mission stops or that they have to have the most amazing spiritual expreiences. I wish they would realize we are always on a mission and there are always people to serve.  There are people who are supposed to serve you. Missions don't only have to be when you're wearing a name tag and consistently in Sunday clothing. One of my MTC teachers Hermano Michael Eraso said, "If your mission is the best two years of your life, you did it wrong." He taught my amazing district that the years after should only add to the greatness of those two years of being a full-time missionary. Serving and loving should not stop when you step off the plane.  

With Steve, Josh, and Cambri at Bdubs (Buffalo Wild Wings) after almost a year of not seeing each other.

What is my experience as a gay missionary?

I continue learning that God loves me regardless of anything in my life and it's exactly the same for all humanity. God has shown and taught me that I need to do the same. Our Heavenly Father has many people for us to love and He has given me plenty of them. He has many people for us to teach. He has many people to teach and love us. A way that we can help others is by receiving help ourselves. True loving relationships come from serving each other. We can use our own experiences, even our own vices or struggles to help others feel they are not alone. God has used my struggles to help others.

My mission didn't stop. It didn't start on February 15th when I was set apart the night before entering the Missionary Training Center in Provo, Utah. If you haven't had the opportunity to serve as a full-time missionary, if you didn't have that opportunity, or even if you won't have it, it doesn't matter. God does not care if you've served a full-time mission or not. God does not care if you were an assistant on the mission. God doesn't care if you made mistakes or had an uncontrollable mental and/or physical condition that prevented you from being able to serve. You are still worthy of bringing everlasting peace to others. You are needed. Where you are is where you need to be. Where you need to be, there is work to be done. Where there is work to be done, there are miracles to be brought about. Help me bring miracles to the world in your own way.

Whether you're gay or not, tall, average height, or short, cute or cute (because every one of you is beautiful), Mormon or not,  blue-eyed or brown-eyed (or whatever color your eyes are), whether you like apple juice, orange juice, both or neither, it doesn't matter. You are needed. You are wanted. You are loved.

Whatever your situation is, you can make the world a better place. That is what I am trying to do as a gay missionary.

On a Scale of 1-10, How Much Does It Hurt?

Recently, a friend of mine reached out and asked if we could talk. This friend is also gay and Mormon but they are not out like I am. They told me they needed to talk to someone and were sick of trying. I didn't need any explanation to understand what they meant. We went on a drive and talked for about an hour. During our conversation we talked about a variety of things. Most of the conversation was about the gay and Mormon experience and how it's so hard. It is especially hard because we are trying to live the way we know we should, yet there are so many unkind comments from people, including those in the church, that are words not welcomed by the Savior. We both acknowledged that they just didn't understand and we wished they could understand the pain of what we have to go through day after day.

This year in Sunday School we have been reading and discussing the Old Testament. One Sunday, we were discussing the story of Abraham and Isaac. For those who aren't familiar with it, Abraham and his wife Sarah were very old and didn't have any children. They were told by men of God that they would have a son. Abraham and Sarah didn't quite believe it because of their age, but Isaac came and they loved him so. Abraham was a prophet and while communicating with God one day, he was told he needed to sacrifice his son like a lamb. They had waited so long and had prayed endless hours for a child, but now they weren't just told that he would be taken away to serve the Lord on earth. He wasn't being sent to start his own family. They were told he would have to die, and not just die but the death would come from the hands of his own father. It sounds really hard and even traumatizing right? Spoilers: Isaac doesn't die.

If you want to read the rest of the story and see what happens, click Here

When I was listening to the teacher as we shared this story, a phrase came to my mind. "What is your Isaac?" One of these days I really want that as something to hang in my home. What is your Isaac? What is so precious to you but you are willing to give it up to follow an all-knowing God who has the greatest wishes and a perfect plan for you?

Morgan and I went to Jurassic World 2 and loved it!

Religious aspects aside, the thing I desire most is to have a husband and children. It's weird for me to actually type it out, but it's the truth! Late last year I got sucked into YouTube one night and was watching animal movies (I was that nerd kid who adored the TV show "Nature"). While I had been watching a video of an African safari and tourist were watching Cheetahs, I saw a clip that said, "I Let My Husband and Son Shave My Head." I hesitated, then clicked, and watched it. The men, Matt Dallas (who is the main character of the TV show Kyle XY) and his husband Blue Hamilton, have a whole YouTube channel. They include their son, Crow, in almost every single video they have made since they adopted him. I watched video after video of this small family. Crow looks so happy. They look so happy. They are happy. That night was an incredibly difficult night for me. They were living my earthly dream. It was a night that I stayed up very late and many tears were shed until I fell asleep.

I wish people could feel my sorrow. I wish they could have a glimpse at the confusion I feel and desires that I have to stem EVERY SINGLE DAY so that I am focused on my Savior. I wish they could see how their words, sometimes even well-intended, can cause pain and frustration. 

After having publicly come out, a friend approached me and said, "Dallin, I have this great idea for you." I was not exactly excited for this idea, but I smiled and asked what it was. This friend then proceeded to tell me that I should be straight just for ONE day so I could marry *girl who is a mutual friend*. In that moment, I felt years of painful memories heavily dropped onto my shoulders and heart. How could they not realize that I couldn't choose to be gay or straight. How could they not understand what I've had to go through to see how horrible that was to say to me. Most people don't realize how in my early teen years I realized what the attractions meant and I prayed to God saying, "Please don't make me gay. Please please please just make me attracted to girls. I don't know what's wrong with me." I again repeated those prayers in my mid-teen years when I heard another young man exclaim, "It's so great to be straight! I'd hate being gay." I went home and just lay on my bed in utter silence while my mind endlessly repeated his words louder and louder. There were many nights I lay awake trying to figure out what I could do. During Junior High and High School, my best friend would pull out our yearbooks and ask which girl I liked. I panicked every time and tried to end the conversation quickly. I asked out wonderful women to dances throughout High School and they kindly obliged to go with me. In every date I have been on, all I could feel was, "I'm lying to this girl and I know that if we continue, I'm going to break her heart." All potential relationships never progressed because of that screaming voice in my head saying, "When she finds out, you're going to lose her because she won't want a gay man as a husband."

One of my favorite pictures of my Savior. It's name is "Gentle Healer"

Years back, a friend and I decided to drive to St. George for a mutual friend's wedding reception. On our way, gay people came up as a subject and he expressed some frustration at them. He said to me, "Why can't the gays go be gay somewhere else?" My heart felt it had been stabbed. I didn't know where I could go to "be gay" if that didn't involve living in the church and loving God wherever I was. I had hoped this friend would have been more understanding, but at the time, he wasn't.

Every single day, I see and hear small reminders of something I probably won't get in this life. I am not closing off my future of what could happen, but as of right now, marriage is a subject that I have discussed with Heavenly Father many times and as of now, isn't in my near future. When I see a couple (gay or not) together, I have an inner sigh of sadness whether consciously or not.

What am I not getting? I don't get to grow old holding hands with the love of my life. I don't get to sit next to my husband and fight about what TV show we're going to watch on netflix or start a pillow fight because he kept watching and didn't wait for me. I don't get to make him dinner and surprise him with a special night at home. I don't get to plan a secret trip for us to go to California to the beach and Disneyland. I don't get to hold him while he cries because his day was hard or someone said something hurtful. I don't get to have fun bickering in the grocery store about how he is actually the better half. I don't get to say an absolutely amazing pun and laugh as he rolls his eyes for the 10th time that day. I don't get to look back after 30+ years of marriage and sit in awe about how we got through the hard times together and realize the fights over who had to clean the bathroom were pointless. I don't get to hear our children call him daddy and run to him with big hugs as he walks in from work. I don't get to see him lovingly put a band-aid on their knee because they fell on the concrete and give them a kiss all better. I don't get to see him reading bedtime stories and teaching our children to use their imagination. I don't get to see him teach teenagers how to drive cars while freaking out he's about to die. There will be no first dates of kids making sure they're home on time and going out with others who will respect them. There will be no teaching as parents that they need to be kind and loving to all people when we find out our children been cruel to others. I won't get to finally let the youngest child leave for college and be crying my eyes out while he holds me telling me I did a wonderful job raising them. I don't get that one person to tell all my insecurities to and still have them love me anyways. There will be no slow dancing to music with him that makes me cry, sing, or laugh. I don't get to rest my head on his shoulders and sigh knowing everything will be okay because I have him and he has me.

On a scale of 1-10, how much do you think it hurts? Some days, it's at the full 10 if it doesn't feel like an 11. It's heartbreaking, isn't it? This is what I wish people understood of my story. This isn't easy. There are so many people who want this and all we can hear from so many is "You don't deserve it because my beliefs are different." Some people do get to have what I want, but my pathway isn't going that way. I am choosing something I love with all my heart over something that is almost as significant and important to me. I am denying a part of me that is NOT a choice (If you question that, you can read the Church's stance Here) and people still try to criticize and change. I have cried many nights because I have no idea why I have to go through this, but others act like I chose it, so therefore I must be berated.

Why does this have to be my Isaac?

The answer: I don't know.

What do I know?

I know there is not only a God, but there is a Heavenly Father who knows all and loves all. I know personally that He loves me, watches over me, and that I am His son. I have heard his words and I have felt the truth. I know I love him more than myself and anything else in the world. I know there is life after death. I know the Book of Mormon is true and was translated by Joseph Smith Jr.

Do you want to know why I'm choosing this life? You can read my blog post "Why I Choose To Be Mormon When I Didn't Choose To Be Gay"

Facetiming David while he was in Switzerland

All I want from this post is that you will have some kind of understanding of one persons (my) pain. I cannot speak for others and what they are going through, have gone through, or even what they WILL go through. If you can understand my pain to the tiniest amount, maybe then you might understand why certain things must be left unsaid. Certain feelings, prejudices, and presumptions will be dropped. When I have taken time to learn from others and see their pain in the best way that I can even come close to understanding, I have felt a greater capacity of love than I felt before. Those experiences have taught me how to be more charitable and Christ-like. The prophet Moroni talks about charity.

In Moroni 7, we read,

44 If so, his faith and hope is vain, for none is acceptablebefore God, save the meek and lowly in heart; and if a man be meek and lowly in heart, and confesses by the power of the Holy Ghost that Jesus is the Christ, he must needs have charity; for if he have not charity he is nothing; wherefore he must needs have charity.

45 And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

46 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, if ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth. Wherefore, cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail.

What will you do to try to be more understanding? Will it take reading of a post of a vulnerable and imperfect man who is gay and chooses to be Mormon? What will it take for love and understanding to be in your heart? What will finally halt your unkind and cruel thoughts being typed out on the internet or words spoken filled with spite solely to prove your point?

Can the love of God not do greater good than man's hate-filled heart which is full of misunderstanding? Don't you want more joy and love to be abound upon the Earth?

I know I do. I know that together we can make that happen. All we have to do is truly listen and truly learn. Then we will feel of His love at a greater level and become a greater and more empowered people in Zion to do His will. 

Are you an exception in the gospel?

For years I have noticed "exceptions" on certain doctrines in the church from members and I really wish we didn't set them. The basic example I can use is if someone is exempt from repentance or the need to repent just because we know only certain aspects of their lives. Once upon a time I was 13 years old. I was in Sunday School and we were talking about Joseph Smith Jr. The subject came up of how Joseph had chewed tobacco and smoked. I, the brave but also naive teenager, stood up for Joseph and said he did not. I grew up knowing smoking and chewing tobacco was against the Word of Wisdom, so how could a prophet, who is "practically perfect in every way," participate in such obvious sin? One of the other young men then asked the teacher for confirmation. He wanted to verify who was right. The teacher looked at me and said that Joseph DID participate in such acts. What? My world was shaken.

Sparkler time with Erykah at Braden's mission call opening

Having grown since then, I have met many wonderful, amazing, and beautiful people who smoke and chew tobacco. I no longer think that someone who does either of those things means they qualify themselves as a bad person. As a young man at that time though, I couldn't believe what I'd been told. Wasn't Joseph like, top notch?! How could HE do THAT? He could, and he did up until he received the revelation of the Word of Wisdom. My mind had given Joseph an exception of the ability to do anything wrong.

In many ways, we have a habit on putting a condemned or saved picture of people, especially ones we don't personally know. Modern times are different than the past. We have many examples, but we don't take the time to step back and take a look at the big picture. We need to understand we are not assigned, nor or are we authorized to be judges of someone's divine destination. Some people are set apart to judge, but that is not up to us to decide where someone will end up. That is for one and only one.

Fast forward about 5 years after learning about Joseph and I was now listening to claims about his wife. I heard someone say, "Emma Smith went through so much that it doesn't matter if she left the church. She's DEFINITELY going to the celestial kingdom." I also heard, "She knew it was true and she left, so she's definitely NOT going to the celestial kingdom." Honestly, I struggle with both of these statements. I believe that salvation will come by our true and honest desires. I believe that it will only be at the moment of judgment that we will make that full and final decision. This life will have its consequences, that's for sure so we aren't able to just "eat drink and be merry for tomorrow we die!". I just don't believe that WE can fully know the details of that final decision for ourselves and especially for someone else. Emma did struggle. Her life was horrifically challenging and painful. She lost her relationship with her parents, lost friends, lost many children (some within hours of birth), and bore the tortures and pressures as wife of Joseph. After all of that, she even lost Joseph himself. It sounds like something that would personally break me.

When someone says Emma will 100% be in the celestial kingdom JUST because of her hardships, I think, what would have happened if Christ himself had said in the Garden of Gethsemane, "You know what, I can't do this. I won't do this, and I'm done." What would have happened? The entire plan would have been undone in a single night. We would then live forever in our sins and in misery.

Salvation is not dependent on the struggles you go through and how hard they are, but through the merits, hope, and mercy of our Savior and by our own decision to follow him.

When someone says she will definitely NOT get into the celestial kingdom, I ask myself, does this person not believe in repentance? Do they not believe in mercy, but justice alone? How cruel of a world, of a plan, and of a future that would be. I cannot believe that my Heavenly Father would condemn like that and say, "Sorry Emma, ya dun messed up."

One of my favorite snapchats ever received from my friend Sammie

Laman and Lemuel are specific examples that have been on my mind for the past year and a half. We know they were the sons of the prophet who struggled with following the word of the Lord, but have you ever wondered what if Laman and Lemuel have repented by now? It's been over 2,000 years since they passed away. They could have been some of the first to go to Christ when he visited those in spirit paradise and prison. They could have fallen on their knees and begged for forgiveness. They could have been forgiven. They could even now be doing missionary work as hard as ever shoulder to shoulder with Nephi to the spirits who don't believe. Could they not be crying repentance to those in spirit prison? Could they also be loving, learning and teaching? What if they've converted hundreds, thousands, or millions because they knew how to reach others' hearts for the sole reason that they have been where others have been? Yet in many settings we talk about how they were spoiled children and were horrible because they didn't follow everything with exactness. I tried to search for scriptures on where Laman and Lemuel were actually praised and mentioned them following the Lord. They are few, but they are there. I look at myself and wonder how people would speak of me if they only knew the negative. If all of you could see were the times I wasn't a kind person, the times I got easily frustrated, or the times I wanted to forsake being a part of this church, what would you think? If that is all you saw of me, what would you do? What if the only thing you knew about me was that I was gay?

When you hear, "Well, she's a lesbian, so you might want to steer clear of her." Do you agree? Do you avoid eye contact because she could cause problems? Or do you think that it's only one aspect of her? Do you wonder how many lives she's blessed and how her kind hand might have stayed the intentions of a suicidal friend? Do you wonder how she can help others in and out of the gospel JUST because she knows what it's like to be alone?

You don't know the power that someone has until you see them perform goodness in the world.

Snow Cone Adventures with Kylie and Jack

You don't see the inspiration a person feels and can have until you have talked with them and seen the light of fire in their eyes to continue despite their trials they have had in their lives. That is just the beginning, so even then, you don't know the half of someone solely based off of one fact.

You cannot fully understand what being gay, having anxiety, having Hidradenitis Suppurativa, being raped, having your child pass away, being abused, divorce, or the many more trials in this life unless you live them.

But! You can learn. You can listen. You can love.

You can truly try and that will mean the world.

O brother (or sister, or friend, or human), where art thou?

Are you struggling? Are you happy? Are you fighting your own good fight? Do you feel like you're losing? Do you see yourself getting stronger? Are you being abandoned? Are you being welcomed?

You are important. You might have been through dips, be in a dip, or will be going through more dips, but I know you can do it. I know that because I've been able to do it. To quote Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf, "You are stronger than you realize. You are more capable than you can imagine."

I beg of you, whoever reads this, to not look at a person and base their future because of stories you know, experiences with others, or by one factor that to you defines them. Don't judge them according to one sin or even one difficulty they must face in life (those are two separate things) You will have many missed opportunities. You will miss many miracles.

Them: What should I say? Me: Better question, what should you DO?

I've had a lot of people talk to me about family members or acquaintances who are gay and they have said to me, "I don't know what to say to them. What do I say?" Most of the time it's because they are leaving,or have left, the church. It makes me smile because people want to know what to do about something sensitive to many because they want to be kind and loving.

For too long, we were taught to make fun, lash out, shut down, ignore feelings, and more.

I recently had an absolutely amazing chat with a good friend from my previous singles ward who will be anonymous. But for the sake of the story we'll call her Cherstin P, no no, C. Parsons (If you know where that quote comes from, 10 brownie points for you and we are friends). We talked about me coming out, being gay, and my experiences. Cherstin's responses to some of my comments were absolutely perfect. I talked to her about one of my very difficult times of deciding to come out or not or even stay in the church. She said, "Dallin, I can't even imagine what it would be like for me if I was in that situation and I don't know what I would do." There was not even the smallest hint of judgment or disappointment in her voice. It was full of pure love and care for me.

Behold the Man by Antonio Ciseri. One of my favorite paintings.

The best reaction you can give to someone coming out to you about being gay (or anything else difficult like maybe leaving the church, having anxiety, etc) is this:

Listen. Don't interrupt. Don't take over the conversation. Just listen.

Then tell them you love them so much and if they'll accept it, give them a strong hug.

When debating on leaving the church, more often than not, they have been struggling with this decision and they've been in so. much. pain. I've had times in my life when I really didn't know if I was going to be able to keep going in the church and those times have been some of the worst. The tearing of your heart and soul of having to make the decision of your natural feelings that are ever present or the desire to follow your loving Heavenly Father. It isn't easy. If someone has been struggling with this, they already have thought of the spiritual things hundreds, if not thousands of times.

I will be one of the first to say that bearing your testimony of the restored gospel is always important. However, there are appropriate times to do so. When I was in the MTC, one of our branch presidency members had each of us come in to do a one-on-one training with him. We talked a little bit and he said he was going to act like an investigator. He then said his father had passed away. I instantly started bearing testimony of the plan of salvation. Before I could start on my second sentence, he stopped me in my tracks and said one of the most profound things I have heard. I don't know if it's originally from him or from someone else, but he said, "Elder Steele, they do not care how much you know until they know how much you care."

Lunch with Alexis, a very close friend who has never judged me because I'm gay.

This is a hard post for me. I have wanted to lash out at family, people who claimed to be friends, leaders, home ward members, YSA members,  some of my past coworkers in all jobs and more. However, I know that it won't do any good. Causing pain to others and hurting just to hurt and get revenge will not help me continue healing. It will not let me be changed through the enabling power of the atonement.

I will say this. I wish you could have felt my fear when I heard as a 14 year old that "gay men need to be hunted down and hung" from a leader. I wish you could have felt my pain when hearing in a lesson in a YSA  ward when someone said "I didn't want to look like I was gay! That's the worst!" I wish you could have seen my tears after hearing my parents being accused by family members of being not good enough parents based just on the fact they had a gay child because that meant that I was even a worse failure for being gay. I wish you could see me at my home night after night alone desiring to have someone to call mine and to fully love and to grow old with all the while hoping and praying that Heavenly Father will give me the strength to keep going.

In the time of being out, I've had certain responses to me after I state that I am a gay man who is also mormon. The first words out of some people's mouths were, "Well you need to remember that first and foremost you are a child of God." I wanted to tell each person that yes I knew that and I'm still in the church. I have been saying I am a child of God far longer than I have been saying I am Gay. I understand the intentions of the saying and I love that reminder. However, if that is something you blurt out just because you feel a need to make sure someone doesn't leave the church, you're using it incorrectly.

If you ask me about my feelings about Christ and his gospel, you'll be talking with me for an incredibly long time. Being gay hasn't chased me away from Christ, but brought me closer. I have learned to trust in my Redeemer because I don't get to "fit the norm." Ask me about why I trust him and I'll tell you about his blessings, guidance, answers to prayers, people he has sent to save me, and more.

When someone tries to preach and tell me how wonderful the church and gospel are as the first reaction, I always wonder, "that's great, but I already know that. What I don't know is how you feel about me and if this is going to change how you treat me." It has been rare in the past to express your feelings of love for someone as the first reaction to something vulnerable being talked about or shared.

I would love for people to talk to me exactly how Cherstin talked to me. Willing to understand that yes people have doubts. People are confused, are hurt, and their feelings are valid. It is normal for people to doubt and to question. In fact, God wants us to ask and get our own testament and full knowledge of the truth. There are times to testify of the beautiful truths of the gospel of our Savior Jesus Christ, but again, people won't care how much you know until they know how much you care.

I met this guy on an evening walk. We were friends instantly.

When I came out to one of my close friends Kaitlin, it was to her and another coworker. When we had a moment alone later that day, she asked me if she'd ever said anything unkind about gays. I said no that she had never said anything which is why I felt comfortable telling her. She said, "oh good," and before she continued her eyes started to tear up and she finished saying, "because if I had and it had hurt you, my heart would have broken."

Kaitlin has one of the biggest hearts of gold of anyone I've met. She understands she's not perfect but she's consistently striving to do the best that she can and be loving to all no matter what their situation. We have had wonderful conversations about being gay, being in the church, and more. I've had those kinds of discussions with multiple people and there is a pattern of the best conversations (which have been frequent).


These are the common denominators on what happens in the most spiritual, uplifting, and charity-filled conversations I have had about being gay.

1. The person or people let me talk and express myself.
2. They listen and express they might not understand, but they love me and this doesn't change anything. They also do not try to change me or try to define me how they feel I should be defined.
3. Only when it really feels appropriate, they share their feelings about the restored gospel. This step doesn't always even happen in a conversation.

The best thing to do is listen, learn, love, and wait for the right time to share your feelings and beliefs about the church. The last part of verbally testifying may not even fit into a conversation, but your actions  and willingness to listen will do that part for you. Like President Uchtdorf said, "Preach the gospel, and then if needed, speak words."

Why I choose to be a member of Christ’s Church when I didn't choose to be Gay-Month of the temple

This last month, I turned 27 years old. Usually every year, I do a "birthday gift for me" and they are things I really like and have been saving up for, or even quickly decide on. This year I wanted to do something spiritual for myself so I decided to go to the temple. I went to the temple every single week with a friend or friends either performing an ordinance or hanging out on the temple grounds.

                   With Mike at the Draper Temple             With Kaitlin at the Timpanogos Temple

Since coming out, I've had a lot of people ask me about still being in the church. With the certain policies, rules, and commandments we've been given, it hasn't made sense why I would stay in the church. People have asked why I'm staying in the church and not pursuing a relationship with another man. A few days ago I saw a homemade movie by a gay man. He was once interviewed and a video was released on the church website about him being gay and in the church. The movie I saw a few days ago was about him announcing how difficult his life had been until he started dating another man. I'm not sure if they're in a relationship, so I can't exactly say boyfriend. I don't blame him. I couldn't even come close to judging him because I understand why he is doing what he is doing and I fully support his choice.

I know multiple others who also tried to stay in the church and it didn't work out. I know those who just left without trying. I know those who are still in the church and single (You can read Ben's blog here). I know some who are sealed to their wives and are happily married and even have some adorable young children. Can you imagine how confusing that might be for me? Which path is mine? Which path will I be happiest on? Why risk it? It makes sense to me why people ask, "Why are you staying?"

With Kyle at the Timpanogos Temple

Throughout my life I've asked myself "What am I going to do about the church?" many many many times. I've viewed and reviewed my stances and what I truly want in my life. I don't feel like I owe this explanation to anyone, but this is why I'm staying in the church.

I'm happier here than I would be anywhere else.

Have you ever had that pure soul-filling feeling of happiness? Of pure peace and you're just so relaxed? Or you've done something for someone and they express their deepest gratitude and you have those warm fuzzies in the deepest part of your being? That's how I feel being in the church. That's how I feel knowing I have a loving Heavenly Father. A deity who cares about me and wants the best for me. It's how I feel being surrounded by so many others who feel and know the same thing. I believe in guidelines for mortality so I can live in the purest and happiest of places after this life. Having tested these guidelines to see how they affect my life, I have seen the truth that you can live a happier life following them. Knowing what I do about the church, about my Savior and my Heavenly Father, I have been richly blessed with a feeling of true peace and happiness. Who doesn't want that?

With Jamie, Tawnya, and Kaitlin at the Timp. Temple for my birthday lunch.

I have had so many spiritual experiences ever since I can remember. I have been able to share that happiness and spiritual experiences with so many people. Two of the hardest, happiest, and some of the most spiritual years happened while on my mission in Mexico City. The most wonderful, kind, crazy, amazing, loving, exciting, enthusiastic, and spiritual people live there. During my time in Mexico City, I received some of the greatest spiritual experiences and revelations in my life. I received some before and some after my mission as well. Having a connection to spirituality gives me more of those kinds of opportunities and it's what brings peace to my soul.

With David at the Jordan River Temple

A sense of greater purpose is there for me. It's a sacrifice. It's a hard sacrifice. But the point for me is there is a prize worth more than what I could desire or have here on earth.  My greater purpose involves following in faith what my Heavenly Father has told me is true. I don't even know what will be the end result. I feel like we go through that same process in life. It happens for me at work when my supervisors tell me to trust them. Sometimes I'm doubtful and I don't see how it's going to work out, but it often does. If it doesn't, we work it out when we get there and the result ends up better. In the spiritual case, I believe in a loving Heavenly Father who knows 100% of what is going to happen. I trust in Him that He knows what's going to happen and it will work out. He has known my life even up until this point as I have seen promise after promise fulfilled.

You can have your purpose wherever you personally want and my purpose doesn't have to be the same for you or anyone else. My purpose is solely mine and belongs to me. I want others to have their happiness where they find it. You can have it where you want. You can find your spiritual experiences wherever and however you want. For me though, it's in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I hope you can find your happiness. Me being here isn't about others. It isn't about others forcing me into anything or brainwashing me. I feel a feeling of ease and rest for my soul. That is my greatest desire. To find peace and a rest for my soul. It is here and here is where I am staying. 

Let's start with this

Hello everyone!

It's been weird coming back to blogging. I started right around the time I was 18. (Yeah I looked. Yeah I was so weird back then.) I recently made a decision that has changed my life even more. It's probably been the scariest decision I've ever made. I came out publicly as a gay Mormon. Or better yet, I opened up to the entire world that I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and I am also gay.

One of my favorite pictures of me in my mission in Mexico City

I had been debating for MONTHS to actually come out. I had discussions with my therapist multiple times about it. He was one of the biggest godsends I have received in getting help for my mental health and my homosexuality. We quickly went through therapy and at the last session I sobbed like a baby because I didn't want my time with Roy to end, but it had come to that point. He had told me though, "Dallin, don't just come out to come out. That's not fair to you and you can't take it back."

Bless Roy's heart. He was so right. The idea though stuck in my head. My parents were trying to move and I, finally, felt like yes I was ready to get my own place. So I started looking for a condo and I found one in Eagle Mountain. As my amazing realtor (literally guys she's the freaking best and such a great person) and I kept working through the details, I wondered to myself what I should do. Stay quiet and in the closet or come out. Maybe those weren't the only two options I really had, but that's what it felt like. After having discussions about it with Heavenly Father and having received council from a member of my YSA stake presidency about coming out, I knew I would be coming out. I asked when.

My answer: Soon

My feelings: Well how soon is SOON? Like, your kinda day or my kinda day? Because, Heavenly Father, as i'm sure you know those are VASTLY different. I'm sure he just chuckled at me and smiled.

Again I got the answer, "Soon."

On my way to an institute choir performance to see one of my best and closest friends and confidants David perform, I was talking to Heavenly Father again about it and he said, "I want you to come out tonight." I froze. I then wished that soon had been his day timewise. I texted David after his performance and told him I'd be coming out at 9:30 that night. Since he had another performance and it would be done by 9:00 I hoped he would see it in time. He texted me and sent me the sincerest, most loving text about supporting me and how excited he was. He also testified about how the Lord loves me so much.

David and I at Black Panther opening night.

After texting some other close friends, calling some and coming out to them at that point, and rewriting my coming out story for the 100th time, I posted it on facebook. I slammed my laptop shut and Roy's voice rang in my head, "you can't take it back." I had such a panic attack I paced the kitchen and texted my friends that I had no idea what I was doing and it's too late. I even went to facebook to see if I could delete it before anyone saw. 5 people had already loved it and even commented.

Guys, I cried so hard. Over this week I have received messages, texts, and comments on that post. I expected so many things, but I am awestruck by how much love and kindness I've received.

Yes I know. I was the most adorable baby ever.

Within this first week I've even been told, "I don't know how that's even possible to be a gay mormon." Before I could respond, this guy's girlfriend and the girl next to her both just gestured to me with their hands like, "well obviously THIS is how." It made me feel good and I went on to help him understand the inability to change certain things. I am constantly amazed by how much I don't know. How much we all don't know and understand. I feel intimidated by how much we don't know but how much we'll be able to know and learn.

Things about me:

Mexico has my heart as well as the people in it.
I love food. Just can't have spicy food #ulcers (Also, fish is disgusting)
Youngest of 5 kids (My siblings will point out that I do mention I am the tallest)

Parangaricutirimicuaro was one of the hardest words I learned on my mission

Born in South Carolina

Depending on the doctor you ask, i'm 6'2, 6'3, or 6'4.

I'm an avid fan of Avatar the Last Airbender

I love my Heavenly Father so much.

I'm Mormon

I'm gay
I love being both