This Isn't About Me

The FHE activity was a success! The murder mystery was complete, the culprit was caught by some of the teams, the food was eaten, and the cleaning up had started. Everyone had had a really great time and I'd been told by multiple people they were glad they came. After about 2 hours of making everything perfect, all we had to do was clean up and then go home. I grabbed the plates, utensils, and napkins. I asked my FHE Co-chair Nicki where she wanted me to put all the items I was holding.

"Let's see if we can get Alexis to open up the closet for us." She said.

I responded saying, "Oooooh, I don't do well with closets, I just came out of one in April."

Nicki and my other friend Bene who was right behind me started laughing. Others around us looked like they weren't sure what to do but then started laughing as well. I felt incredibly successful that not only had my joke been laughed at, but it was a gay joke that had been laughed at.

If you know me, I love jokes. I love to make others laugh and feel some kind of relief from the stress of life. I love to make people feel like there is really happiness in the world even if the world doesn't seem happy right now. Even if it's to the extent of getting eye rolls at how bad my dad joke is, you could say I'm a faux pa since I have no kids, it's worth it for me. More and more since coming out I try to find more opportunities to make appropriate gay jokes especially around my straight friends and some of them wonder why I have to crack so many jokes.

It's for one of my communities.

It's not specifically for me. It's for them. It's for us.

If you want gay people to stop talking about so many gay things, then you need to stop talking about all the straight things. That includes straight people finding relationships, straight marriage, straight dates, straight hand-holding, straight spouses, straight plans for the weekend, straight guy and girl jokes, straight movies, straight tv shows, and more. If you think that yours should be allowed and mine shouldn't because it's "too much," then you're saying to me that you are used to everything being heterosexual and you don't want to make room for me and what is part of my life.

My roommate decorating for Christmas before Thanksgiving was done. Scandalous I know, but I'm glad he did.

Normalizing homosexuality in heterosexual environments hasn't actually been as difficult as I imagined. Granted the environments I am in are usually quite accepting of me being gay, which does make it easier. I've been trying to get rid of taboos on certain subjects so people can talk freely while being encouraged to have discussions where both parties are considerate of the other's feelings and be willing to listen to the other person's side. I have understood and seen how even in such discussions, the two parties (sometimes myself included) separate without having come to the same conclusion or way of thinking which is destined to happen and it is normal. There have been occasions where civility is lacking at an incredible amount and hurtful things are said on both sides. I will agree there have been horrible things from both sides. However in many instances, I have seen more negativity pointed towards those of the LGBT+ community. When unkind words are returned to the first perpetrator and the first to punch gets mad there were comments returned, I think of a beaten dog. You can't hit a dog so many times and get angry when it bites back acting as you have done nothing wrong.

There is a taboo label on the discussion of homosexuality especially in Utah among members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. It's a sensitive topic that seems to be on fire and if you try to approach, you'll get burned. People are quite nervous because they don't know how to ask what they don't understand with sincerity but without being offensive. It's a scary idea because of past experiences or passed on experiences. I get it.

I'm scared too.

I live in both worlds and I am scared too.

My heart always beats at the pace of what feels like a million miles an hour any time I open up and tell people that I'm gay. I've been out for 7 months and it still gets my heart racing. I have no idea what to expect from others because everyone is so different. I brace myself and hold my breath hoping I'm not about to be told that I am disgusting or even worse. Believe me, there is much worse that is still currently said about us from even those who call themselves loving and charitable Christians. Any time it's another male, I wonder if he will be like the rare few in the news who beat up gay men just for the fact that they are gay.

My parents and I on Thanksgiving

My mind is always screaming at me to not "do too much" because it could upset people that I'm always talking about being gay (as if it wasn't such a big part of my life). I feel that sometimes I can get ambitious about sharing, joking, talking, and asking questions that open up about me being gay, but I always remind myself, this isn't about me. This isn't just for me. It's for them. It's for the quiet and closeted people in and out of the church who are scared of the world and what it has offered us. It's so they have an opportunity to see that someone is willing to talk about it and there are people who, while not LGBT+, are okay with it and laugh at the jokes. Sure, in the end it does help me out because I am gay and it's making it more normal, but it's never been about me.

It's for the girl who I have never met and we talked on the phone for 45 minutes while she cried because while she likes both men and women, she has only fallen in love with women. She wants to do what she knows is right but she doesn't know how to balance what she believes and what she feels.

It's for the boy whose heart is broken because he wishes his parents would love him as he is and not try to fix what they feel needs to be fixed.

It's for the older generation of LGBT+ to see that the younger ones are changing the way of thinking and the manner of being so they don't have to be as defensive anymore as they have had to be because we are moving towards a safer world.

It's for my friend who said he's only out to a handful of people that he is bi and it's a confusing and hard life, but he feels comfortable and safe around me.

It's for those who will ask in anonymous Q&A's like one my stake recently had and they asked about how to be more inclusive to the LGBTQ+ community. It might have been a cry for help or just a question. I don't know if it was a straight person asking for themselves because they don't know how or a closeted person asking the visiting 70 that night so they could maybe feel a bit more loved. They did get that loving answer from him. I needed that answer too. He, Elder J. Devn Cornish, said that this subject calls for all the compassion in the world.

All the compassion in the world is what my goal is for them. I want the many experiences I've had hearing, "Okay" as the response for them too if they ever decide to come out to someone or to everyone. I want them to hear how much they are loved and this changes nothing. I want them to hear how much they are wanted and desired.

To achieve this goal, however, there are many obstacles to go over, under, around, and sometimes through. That is really intimidating to me. As my bishop said, I'm trying to help plow a path not many have taken. It's really scary, hard, and even burdensome sometimes. I don't always feel like continuing. I sometimes feel that I wish I'd never come out because the burden of being an example (by choice or not) can be rough. I feel that I'm tired and I can't move the mountain as good as others could, so I should just step back.

Then I remember.

I remember my loved ones as I came out to them. I remember the comments I received as I opened up my heart and soul to them with all the vulnerability possible.

"Well, my friends say it's really great to have a gay friend."

"What? Why do they say that?"

"Well, they said you can talk about cute guys together."

I remember Krista telling me that as we sat in my car outside her house. She's my best friend's younger sister and our relationship has always been important to me. It was probably the first thing she'd said to me after I came out to her and it was probably the most important. With that sentence, she communicated that she was okay with me being gay and the relief off my shoulders was phenomenal. I want that to be something others hear when they open up. I want them to hear from their friends that they're glad they were told and that they still mean the world to them. I want them to see that their relationships with their family and friends aren't going to change for the worse, but for the better.

I remember it's for them. When I remember them, I am given strength to keep on going.

It's for you. It might take one person a while to move the mountain to build the easier path, but with many people doing it on all sides, even if we aren't connected, we will eventually break it down and then move on to the next mountain with more people who are able to help.

I'm being me with an extra effort to let others see who I am in authenticity so they can feel calmer and more at peace that this isn't a scary subject we never talk about. This is just a part of life.

The Velveteen Rabbit and the Skin Horse

This quote is from the Velveteen Rabbit.
"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long long time, not just to play with, but really loves you, then you became Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real, you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out, and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real, you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

I want to get to a world where everyone is as Real as the Skin Horse says. Where nobody is ugly because everyone understands. Is that ambitious and potentially impossible? Yes.

But are you worth it? Are we all worth it?

The answer is also yes, so I do it anyways.

Being Gay Isn't A Light Switch Experience

"It isn't something you can turn on or off like a light switch." My friend said that as we talked about how I'd been told I just need to find the right girl and how I should just be straight. As she said those words, they reminded me how much some people really just don't understand what they are saying and how it can affect other people. More often than not, people really do have the best intentions. However, in trying to give hope and encouragement, there are often times I am told something that is actually quite insensitive and without thought on what it means to me.

You're going to be made straight after dying.

I was in the backseat of a car with my friend and their parents as we were headed to a concert. I was telling my friend about my blog and the really positive responses that I'd been receiving. Soon enough, the parent's jumped into the conversation and I explained about my blog to them in more depth and detail as they hadn't heard any of this from me before. As our conversation continued, I was asked about my feelings of what is going to happen in the afterlife to me. Do you think you'll be changed to be straight? I tried to express my feelings about how I don't know and that nobody knows. If the leaders of the church know, they haven't said anything either so as of right now, there has been no revelation from God on what exactly will happen.

For my best friend's birthday, we visited his brothers grave. It's one of the reasons I'm excited for the afterlife.

As I tried to explain about what my thoughts were, I got responses of saying why wouldn't I believe that and how someone they know who is gay and also a member of the church believes that. I listened with a heavy heart as the mother told me that it was her belief that I would be changed to be straight so I could be perfect. As I listened, I looked out the window and a certain phrase popped in my head once again.

I really wish I was dead. I'm not suicidal, but I really wish I was dead.

At that moment, my friend asked, "Dallin, are you okay?" quietly enough so his parents couldn't hear. I looked over at my friend and nodded yes because now I was when seconds prior I was feeling sad.

Please don't use the afterlife and presumed knowledge of what is going to happen to give us comfort to fight the good fight. It doesn't encourage us to keep fighting. It is a very depressing moment for us because it is saying that whenever we die, we will be straight and don't have to feel these horrible feelings anymore that we have been told are not part of God's plan. You might not think that this is a suicidal suggestion, but I can promise you that it really is. I have heard dozens of remarks from men and women about being told "everything will be fixed" in the afterlife and how it makes them feel they would rather be dead than alive. I attended a presentation given by a straight man who was once a bishop over young single adults on how you can be a good member of the church and still love LGBT+ people. With him there was a BYU student who is gay and this student said that this statement lead him to say, "I would rather be dead and straight than alive and gay."

Telling us that death has the answer to the end of our suffering is a dangerous game. I would never tell someone dealing with Multiple Sclerosis that if they just quit now and kill themselves, it's going to be better in the next life. Maybe that's not the exact words you use, but the meaning sounds the same.

It's exactly the same as single women who don't get married. It's all about the law of chastity!

No. It is not exactly the same and let me explain why.

A single woman is, more often than not, looking for her future husband even when the chances seem slim and not very desirable. They can continue on with the smallest amount of hope that maybe one day in this life they will find their prince charming. My hope is that I don't find a prince charming.

We have been promised in the afterlife that if we can't get married here, we will be able to be married there. While that is not encouraging to say to sisters either, they are going to get what they want. They get to find the husband of their dreams and he will be perfect! Quite literally, everything will be perfect if we keep pushing forward.

I however, have been told that I do not get what I want. I want to marry a man, but everyone tells me that I'm going to change so then I can be straight and I'll marry a woman. Women are beautiful, amazing, and exemplary humans. The natural abilities that they have, though vast and different, are spectacular. I, however, I am not attracted to them and it's difficult to hear that I am going to be changed. It is a statement that can make me, as well as other LGBT+ people, feel broken. We aren't broken and we weren't cast off to the side to suffer in misery of wanting a partner but not being able to have one. The church leadership says we didn't choose to be gay, so we can't claim that the feelings alone are a choice.

I do not want to downplay the sisters pain at all. Their pain is valid, real, and difficult and any kind of mockery or "fixing" comments are not helpful nor encouraging. I, however, am not equipped to speak for them.

I understand where you are coming from but I would hope you understand they are not the same nor can they be compared in a congruent manner.

Gays are trying to ruin our marriages!

"In God's eternal plan, salvation is a personal matter; exaltation is a family matter."

Those were the words of our dear prophet Russell M. Nelson. It speaks to me on different levels. The actions of those outside of a marriage, or out of our own personal choice in our lives, cannot make the final decision of the direction of our life. Those inside the marriage, or their personal lives, are the ones who choose what will happen with their own future and salvation.

"Gays are trying to ruin our marriages!" Once again, the same voice shrieked out in my ward's sunday school class. This girl brought up the family proclamation every single week in sunday school. In every week, she would also accuse all gays of trying to ruin straight people's marriages. All the while I sat there on my seat as a closeted gay man who had been celebrating every heterosexual wedding and marriage as long as the relationships were wholesome and good. I wanted to stand up and yell at how we are not out to ruin your marriages, but I was still in the closet and couldn't risk everyone finding out, especially in that way.

At the Scarlet Pimpernel with Kjirsten at the Hale Center Theater. We loved it!

I get it! God has said man and woman, husband and wife. However, like President Nelson said,  salvation is a personal matter. If your marriage isn't working or there are problems, we gay people really aren't to blame. I don't hear anyone screaming out about abuse to children or to spouses. Nobody is constantly pointing out that abuse, pornography, adultery, and more are destroying marriages heterosexual and homosexual. To so many people, however, their focus is on how gays specifically are doing their best to ruin marriages.

Some people are referring to the institution and sanctity of marriage which again, I understand. My opinion on gay marriage is that it isn't hurting anyone specifically like abuse so I see no reason on why it shouldn't be allowed. Everyone has the right to their own agency and preventing people from making such choices sounds like a certain brother of ours who wanted to control all and gain all the glory possible. There are many things that others do that are harmful to others, but a homosexual wedding can't affect your marriage directly.

The result of a marriage is between the two people in that marriage. The destruction of a marriage is a sad thing to see. Sometimes it is necessary for separation and I understand that. I don't understand on a personal level, but I have seen multiple marriages end up splitting because of one or both spouses are doing things that are not okay.

I promise you I will go to your straight weddings! I will take pictures. I will make jokes. I will take selfies with you. I will celebrate your marriage and wish you as much hope and happiness as I can muster. Your marriages are important to me because I know how important it is to have that one by your side who will always love you forever.

You just have to find the right girl and everything will be fixed.

Every time someone says this to me, I want to say, "Well you just need to find the right guy/girl (whichever one they are) and it will be great!"

Whenever I have responded with that statement, I have gotten some weird looks. Huh. Funny how that works isn't it?

No, I don't have to "find the right girl." I know of SO MANY marriages where the husband or wife is homosexual and their partner is heterosexual where in the end it doesn't end up working out. Like I said in my last point, the ending of any marriage is a sad event and these are not an exception. It is very discouraging to see and I look at it thinking would I really go into a marriage with a woman knowing that maybe one day one or both of us will end up not satisfied and it causes a rift between us?

With Callie and Katie after Katie's (one of my bff's) sealing.

It was once suggested me that I should just try sex with a woman because maybe that way it might make more sense and I wouldn't want to be gay anymore. I, along with this guys girlfriend and another friend, just looked at him in utter disbelief. One, breaking the law of chastity isn't a good idea. Second, like I just said I'm not going to get married to a woman just to have sexual relations with her to find out that it didn't change a thing.

In many cases it is about finding the "right person" even though I don't think that there are soul mates and you are only able to be with them. I feel that we are compatible with some people as a spouse and not compatible with others. It's not a bad thing. It's just the way that it is. Marriage alone is a scary thing because of all the horror stories we have heard and continue to hear. Whatever your situation, marriage isn't something we expect to be 100% pure bliss and happiness.

Me being gay means I am not attracted to women and it isn't about just "finding the right girl." Yes, I know of mixed-orientation marriages (a marriage between partners of different sexual orientations) and they are working well. That's great for them, but each path is so different that you aren't able to fully compare and say, "Well they did it so you are able to as well."


Being gay isn't something I can just turn on or off. It isn't a light switch experience.

What can we do better to be sensitive to others and their trials?

I recently bought the movie, "The Help." Quick synopsis of the movie is a Southern Society girl Skeeter returns from college to her home in Mississippi in the 1960's with the hopes of being a writer. She turns her small town on its ear by choosing to interview the black women who have spent their lives taking care of prominent white families. Only Aibileen, the housekeeper of Skeeter's best friend, will talk at first. But as the pair continue the collaboration, more women decide to come forward, and as it turns out, they have quite a lot to say.

The movie is a blatant show of deep and disgusting racism and discrimination back in the 1960's. As part of the movie, Aibileen's voice can be heard in the movie and she said something quite profound to me.

"No one had ever asked me what it felt like to be me. Once I told the truth about that, I felt free."

Emily heard I was sick and brought me Halloween cupcakes! They were #delish

I feel the same about coming out and being out having the opportunity to be a more authentic Dallin Steele. I feel free. Whatever constraints or limits people have tried to put on me even after coming out, I feel free.

Ever since watching that movie for the fifth time and hearing that declaration of freedom again, I have made an extra effort to ask a specific question when someone opens up about something that seems difficult. I ask, "Is that hard for you?" with as much sincerity as possible. Every single time, I feel a heart opened up and they have said yes. That word is usually accompanied with tears and a moment of silence. I try not to presume that what I say is going to be the best for the person in front of me whether online or in person.

Take time to ask people what they think and listen. You may not agree, but one's trials are a reality to them. Their feelings are real. We as human beings are desperate for consolation and comfort, so instead of presuming and trying to fix each other with words, let us do it with listening, learning, and loving.

My Thoughts On Coming Out

I've been wanting to write a post about my feelings on coming out. This is such a huge thing for LGBTQ+ people and it's such a complex action.

First of all, to all you LGTBQ+ people, I love you SO MUCH! Your hearts are some of the biggest I've ever met and you're so amazing! I am so glad you're here on the earth with me and I get to be part of a beautiful community with you.

Second thing. We all need to understand that nobody has to come out. You don't have to tell someone about you if you don't want to or don't feel they deserve to know. Nobody has a right to know they are LGBTQ+ first except the person themselves. 

In the past four to five years, I found out about and continuted to learn more about Brene Brown and her research. Brene Brown is a shame researcher and has multiple books that have been published. She has a PHD, is a Licensed Master Social Worker, and I absolutely love her work. In one of her books that I'm reading, she shares a story about the "marble jar." Her daughter came home one day and told her a tragic story about something that happened at school. The teacher had a large, clear glass vase and if the kids were good, the teacher would add marbles to the jar. If they were bad, she'd take marbles out. If they got the marbles up to the top of the jar, they would get a party. Her daughter shared a funny but slightly embarrassing thing with a friend hoping to keep it secret but by the time they got back from lunch, everyone knew. The other girls were still laughing about it enough to cause a distraction so the teacher took marbles out of the jar.

Brene and her daughter discussed what they called, "Marble Jar Friends." When someone is kind, nice, understanding, really listen to you or other good things, more marbles go into their "friendship jar." If they do unkind things and are mean, share your secrets or other such things, they lose marbles from the jar. Those who have more marbles in their jar are the friends we can be more open with and are those who we can always count on, no matter what the situation is. We can be more vulnerable. In my own way, I have described it as my Totem Pole of Worthiness. I've gone back and forth with other ideas on what feels more fitting, but until then, it's the Totem Pole of Worthiness. How it works is essentially the same as the marble jar. I will be vulnerable in small amounts with people. Depending on how they act, they either stay at the bottom of the pole or begin to work their way to the top. At the top of the pole are those who have shown I can trust them with anything and everything in my life. Depending on which level someone is will determine the amount of vulnerability I will express with them. There aren't many people at the top. I have four.

My cat Classy and I spending time together at home.

Over a year ago, a friend came out to me as gay. They didn't know I was gay, but wanted to come out to me. I immediately came out to them in response. We were both busy that day but wanted to talk the next day. When we met up, we talked for hours and hours. They were one of the very first people I actually said I was gay to. Before we opened up, I had maybe around 10 people who knew. They were friends and family who for one reason or another, I opened up to. This was all after my mission and the burden was very heavy. It had gotten lighter with each person but I was still very unsure about being open about my sexuality. This friend was suddenly much higher on the totem pole and we kept talking over the next while. It was, in a way to describe it, heavenly. I felt a huge burden had been lifted off my shoulders because I FINALLY found someone who thought pretty similarly to me and was struggling with the same things I was. They introduced me to their family. All of their family knew, and they didn't care! In fact they would make jokes about it to my friend and my friend soaked it all in. It felt normal to talk about it so openly. The safety I felt being among that family was freeing and I knew I didn't want anything else for me and my life, so I decided to open up to more people.

In less than two months after that initial experience, I was out to an extra 30 people. Not all of these people were on the highest point of my totem pole, but they were pretty high up there. Most responded with great love, but it wasn't the same for everyone. One person was frustrated with me. I was the first person they had ever had come out to them and they didn't know how to react. They felt I had been lying to them our entire friendship and they had to re-learn who I was. They had come to a realization all by themselves about how it was okay and they asked for my forgiveness which I did give.

Here is the thing though. In my quick and rash decisions, I could have shared that information with someone who COULD have decided to share it publicly in their frustrations. Others might do it in a rage or because they feel disgusted.

If you decide to come out to someone, please be careful.

If someone decides to come out to you, please feel honored.

Being LGBTQ+ is a very scary thing. People in other countries are still being beaten, tortured, and even killed if they're found to be one of my community. Heckling, hate, and misconceptions are rampant even to this day. There is danger is out there for people who are out or their secret is discovered. It's not even just those we don't know. It's those we do. It's really scary to think that you might lose someone over something you can't control. Our relationships with others mean the world to us and isolation is a terrifying thing.

Lucy, my roommates cat, missed him while on vacation

If we open up to you, especially if we're in the closet, you can bet we've been thinking about it for a while, so please feel honored that we would trust you with this beautiful part of who we are.

Most of the people I came out to before the big reveal responded and still respond with love no matter how flamboyant I might act, kind corrections I give, or how many gay jokes I make, moved up on my totem pole. They treat me with honor and respect. They know I'm not perfect and they don't expect me to be. They let me have my own voice and listen to my thoughts and opinions. I recently texted one of these people. She was one of the first I came out to at work and she hasn't asked me a single question. I messaged her and asked her why. In her response she said, "You are still you and that is what matters." She is very high on my totem pole.

When coming out to people, don't rush it. It's one of the hardest lessons I still have to learn about life in general because I can be a very impulsive (and to be honest impatient) person. I get excited about certain life prospects and want it all done now. When it comes to people and opening up about who you are, take the time. Think about who they are. Think about how they treat you. If you're not out, this is such a special gift to give others, but again, nobody deserves to know about you except you. To quote Brene Brown, she says, "Sharing appropriately, with boundaries, means sharing with people with whom we've developed relationships that can bear the weight of our story. The result of this mutually respectful vulnerability is increased connection, trust, and engagement." I love that so much. I shared my secret with siblings, friends, coworkers, and other family members who had built up trust over time. They had shown me they loved me and were there for me no matter what.

My process of coming out publicly really started when my friend came out to me and we expressed our desires to stop hiding. I had recently started going to therapy and I began discussing it with my therapist. My therapist was a gift from above. He was the first therapist I went to and he was 100% perfect which is rare to find on the first go according to my friends and family. For part of my therapy, we discussed coming out because I said wanted to. He said to me, "Don't come out to just come out Dallin. Once you put it out there, it's out there and you can't take it back." I felt a bit disgruntled because I felt he was stalling me, but the back of my mind shook its finger at me and said that he was right. The entire time between me even thinking of coming out publicly and coming out was around seven months. I knew after five months that I was going to, but I didn't know until two months before the actual act.

Publicly coming out was the scariest thing that I have ever done. Memories flowed in my head right before I posted on Facebook and they weren't exactly gay-friendly. I remember feeling shame whenever an adult figure mentioned their gay cousin and how they weren't too involved in the family. I took that as it was shameful to be gay and we don't talk about it. There were kids who tormented others about being gay because they found enjoyment in bullying. Church leaders who would say unkind things and make homophobic jokes. Some used the word "faggot" every now and then. Missionaries in my mission made jokes as well and made hateful comments. I heard disgusted comments multiple times about gay couples who were walking down the streets. I expected to lose so many of my friends and even some family.

Publicly coming out was one of the best things I have ever done. There were outpouring comments of love. There were comments made on that Facebook post that were the some of the highest compliments I have ever received. All of my fears were swept away as people liked and loved my post. People reached out to me personally. They thanked me for my courage. They told me they loved me. They told me they looked up to me. People at work would pull me aside and just tell me how awesome I am and how brave I was. Many people reacted kindly. If there was anyone who deleted me as a friend on Facebook, I couldn't tell you who they were. Either I didn't lose anyone or they weren't important enough in the first place. I was rallied around. I was supported. I felt that I was loved and I was.

Me with some of the Gurr children. The Gurrs have been such a support to me before and after me coming out. 

My public and private coming out experiences and outcomes are rare for the LGBTQ+ community. My first bishop I came out to gave me the perfect response. I had burst into tears about how I was struggling with my work trying to be the best that I could, struggling with my calling, with problems in my family, and I was gay. As I finished pouring out about my trials to a wonderful man who I'd worked with for years, he said, "Dallin, I just want to say first that I love you." While he was still learning, he expressed pure love to me. My second bishop I came out to, the ward I'm in right now, has never made me feel unwelcome because I'm gay. He has asked for my thoughts on subjects and I go to him for council.

From leadership to family to friends, I have been richly blessed and extremely lucky. Many people are treated horribly and differently. They are rejected. I saw a heart-wrenching experience to a person dear to my heart where a member of the church said, "I love you and I testify that the Book of Mormon is true but because you are going to act on this, I'm not going to speak with you anymore." This is the reason the hardest coming out wasn't to myself. It was to my best friend. I feared that he would hate me. I feared that he would be disgusted and would abandon me. He didn't though. His first words to me were, "Oh Dallin don't cry!" I was a sobbing mess at that point because it was the moment of truth and the fears of the years washed over my emotions.

I look back on these past 5 months and I can't express how lucky I am to have who I have. I feel blessed at the strength Jesus offers me and continues to give me. For those who are newer to my blog, I had consulted with Heavenly Father about me coming out and on April 15th, 2018, he told me he wanted me to come out. Having followed what he asked, I felt given strength to keep going. I still feel it. My relationship with my Heavenly Father has gotten stronger in these past 6 months. Something that I read before I came out was the Church's statement on if you want to come out. "If you decide to share your experiences of feeling same-sex attraction or to openly identify as gay, you should be supported and treated with kindness and respect, both at home and in church. We all need to be patient with each other as we figure things out."

Hanging out with a baby horse

My suggestion for someone wondering if they should come out is take your time to figure it out first. You never have to come out if you don't want to. You can come out if you want to. Those decisions are yours and yours alone. They should never be taken away from you. You can tell who you want and you don't have to tell anyone you don't want to.

Straight and Cisgender people. My short message to you is I love you, but please let us be us. Do not force on us that we need to come out. Listen to us. We all have something to learn from each other. You sometimes won't know how to answer to the sudden revelation. Sometimes people might ask you questions like what God's plan is for us. I don't even fully know what it is and I know many if not all LGBTQ+ people don't have a full understanding of what the plan is for us and how it fully includes us. To end, i'll recommend you watch this short clip made about a presentation given by Brene Brown (yes I know, I've quoted her a lot).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw&t=4s

My LGBTQ+ family, you're so amazing! Find those people who will cherish you. I can promise it's worth it to find them. The weight and burden on your shoulders will lift. You will feel welcome, wanted, and important. You will feel safe. They will edify you. They are worth the wait.

Tell Your Heart to Beat Again

I've been pondering about the rough days because sometimes, life gets tough. Okay, let's be real. It feels like MOST of the time, life stays tough. Day in and day out we are consistently thinking about the stresses of life. I recently bought my own place and let me tell you, it has taught me more about stressing for the future than most things have.

In every one of our lives, there are many subjects that are fighting for attention. It feels like we are always on the sidelines as the thoughts of work, a career, a relationship, friendships, popularity, looks, money, food, and more are in the ring with their boxing gloves on in a free-for-all fight that lasts every second of our waking lives and even sometimes haunt our dreams *cue maniacal evil laughter from a crazy scientist.* Hearing the frequent "ding ding ding!!!" and stressing over which one gets to win every 10-15 minutes, it's not too surprising that we just want it all to stop. Feelings of hopelessness and despair can be constant throughout our lives. We have a LOT on our table, right? There is an incredible amount of potential that is expected of us so I'm not surprised by how frequent it is that my friends, family, and acquaintances tell me they're having a hard time. I honor when someone admits that their life might be difficult at the current time because it's incredibly vulnerable to admit that you might not be carrying your burdens very well.

In the past 4-5 years I have enjoyed finding christian pop songs that touch my heart and one of them is, "Tell Your Heart to Beat Again" by Danny Gokey and it, along with many things, has helped me in my personal predicament. Being a gay member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is very confusing. It can be quite difficult as you might have read in my other blog post, "On a scale of 1-10, how much does it hurt?" I know that being a gay member isn't the only difficult thing that someone might have to deal with. There are many struggles and many levels of those struggles that people have to go through. I know the heartache of losing a family member or friend. I've met people who have over 10 medical ailments both physical and mental. People are treated like they are lesser because of the color of their skin or where they are from. There is a plethora of things that can make life unbearable. I will say that life handed me something difficult, and I took it and decided, "Why not make it more difficult?" I stayed in an organization that continues communicating that acting upon my feelings that I did not choose are against the commandments of the higher power (who I love with all my heart) I believe in.

So when the sadness DOES set in, because it does, what do I do to get out of that dip? How do I always keep going on with a cheery smile on my face and a feeling of peace in my heart?

I don't.

At Loveloud with Dan Reynolds. He expressed such unconditional love and I walked away from the concert feeling whole.

I don't always keep that cheery smile. I don't always feel that everything is going to be okay, but that is fine. You don't HAVE to always be happy. You don't HAVE to be okay. It's one of the things that I have learned in the past couple years. It is okay to not be okay.

There are a few things however that I do to help myself when I'm in these moments of difficulties and they involve others. One of the biggest things I do is I get into contact with a specific handful of people. They are some of the most loving and understanding people I have met in my life. Sometimes I ask them how they are and we have a good chat. Other times I tell them I'm struggling and I need someone to talk to. Talking to someone and listening to the struggles of their lives or the good things that are happening to them can be therapeutic for me. Taking time to listen to others and being able to express my pain to people who validate that pain is soothing to the soul. I find that when I am feeling down, it is usually because I feel alone. When I reach out and I talk to such great friends, I'm reminded that I am loved and I'm important. When I feel that validation from them, my heart feels lifted. When I hear how they are doing well, it puts my problems aside and I just smile because they are doing okay.

Something else I do is I find a way to help others. I pray for opportunities to help someone feel important and validated. There is always someone who needs help, and helping others brings joy.

When I was young, I saw a movie called "Pay It Forward." The basics of the movie is about a 7th grade teacher who challenges his class to come up with a way to change the world. There is also a journalist from Los Angeles who receives a brand new car from a stranger after an accident. In the movie, there are different views shown from different people of what is happening. The journalist finds out that the man who gave him the car had received help from another person and that the other person received help as well. In the class, there is a student who teaches his fellow students about his idea on how to change the world. He says he helps 3 people with favors they could not do themselves and then tells them to pay it forward to three people of their own. The story is seen from both sides as this young boy helps his 3 people, and the journalist trails the story, through the people affected, back to this young boy.

Paintings of past members of the Quorum of the 12

That idea always stuck in my head. I want to help the people in my life who I meet so that they want to help others in their lives. The more kindness and love I show, it will merge into others hearts. The more it becomes part of someone's heart, the more they share kindness and love to others. The more they share, healing spreads more and we can slowly but surely change the world one heart at a time.

One of my favorite talks from General Conference when the leaders of the church talk to us is, "Songs Sung and Unsung" by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland. Part of his talk says, "Among the realities we face as children of God living in a fallen world is that some days are difficult, days when our faith and our fortitutde are tested. These challenges may come from a lack in us, a lack in others, or just a lack in life, but whatever the reasons, we find they can rob us of songs we so much want to sing and darken the promise of "springtime in [the] soul" that Eliza Hewitt celebrates in one of her verses."

It's quite validating and relieving when someone else, especially someone higher in the ranks, recognizes and says that there are hard days. It helps solidify the intangible and uncontrollable feelings of insecurity that maybe I am the only one who really struggles and goes through difficult times.  Elder Holland continues later and says, "In those moments when the melody of joy falters below our power of expression, we may have to stand silent for a time and simply listen to others, drawing strength from the splendor of the music around us." I once saw a photo of a bird in a windy rain storm and its caption said, "Sometimes you just have to bow your head, say a prayer, and weather the storm." There have been so many times where I feel my inner self just crawl in a hole and wait until the hurricane of depression, the wailing of sadness, the thunders of insecurity, and the seemingly almost never ending shadows of loneliness disappear.

I only have one thing that is in common with all things I do to obtain strength to keep going.

I look to my Savior.

At David and Susannah's wedding (They are literally two of the best humans I have ever met)

If I am serving others, weathering a storm, reaching out to others and expressing my feelings, or whatever I am doing, my heart always turns as much as it can towards my Savior. Every single time I do, I have that feeling of hope inside my soul that He is there. I know no matter what words come out of others mouths or thoughts storming through my brain, He is beside me. His arm is around my shoulder giving me the strength to do what I need to do or go through what I need to struggle with. He is the light at the end of the tunnel. When I finally reach that light, my inner self crawls out and falls on his knees crying. He gives thanks for what and who he was given during the good times, but especially the difficult times. There is a reason we talk of Christ, rejoice in Christ, preach of Christ, and prophesy of Christ. It is so we can remember that He can buoy us up when we have to swim in the deep, dark, and ripping waters.

He has the power to make us feel whole. Imagine that. Feeling whole. To feel that you are in an unbroken or undamaged state. He is the feeling of warmth under your blankets on a cold wintry night. He is the strong embrace of a friend that reminds you that you're loved and safe. He is the touch of the Sun's light on your face in the morning. He is the pensive state you are in when listening to someone play a beautiful song on the piano. He is the feeling of pure relief when someone looks at you with unconditional love. He is my guidance. He is my captain. He is my brother.

He is my Redeemer and Savior.

I can get through anything and everything with Him, because of Him.

My Experience As a Gay Missionary

My heart was pounding partly from excitement and partly because my legs were trying to move as quickly as they could without leaving my companion or Mama Nico behind. Eyes frantically searching. Then I saw him, my father. He was sitting on a bench in the Mexico City airport like there wasn't a care in the world. He had come to spend time with me in the last few days of one of the greatest experiences of my life.

Soon after this picture, I gave my father his nametag that said "Papa de misionero" or Father of a Missionary

I hadn't seen this man in person for 729 days and I was thrilled to see him after such a long time. Having my father come pick me up was one of many amazing experiences I had on my mission in the Mexico, Mexico City, Northwest Mission. The next few days he got to put names to faces as I introduced him to some of the most wonderful Mexicans in the world. We got to tour the Aztec pyramids together. He got to hear testimonies from people I had the opportunity to teach about the gospel of Jesus Christ. He had the opportunity to be among the greatest humans ever. My favorite part of traveling with my father in my mission was us bearing testimony the last Sunday before coming home. I said mine in Spanish and then translated my father's testimony for the members. It was incredibly special for me to testify of our Savior Jesus Christ together.

My mission is one of the most important things to me, no matter what others think or say. People say things, but they truly do not understand. They guess, assume, and presume. The ability to share your beliefs and invite what brings you happiness to others is amazing. Meeting people you'd more than likely never have met before and seeing them follow their happiness is amazing even if it is not your way. Going to Mexico City, in my opinion, is the best location for a mission, but that's just me.

Mexico City is an absolutely astounding and awe-striking place. It is full of humble and wonderful people. It is also packed. It is extremely overloaded with people. It is in the top 25 cities with the highest population in the world, but it's not very big geographically. In my opinion, most of their food is quite delectable. There are certain foods I never have particularly been interested in like chicken feet, Menudo, or Tripa. Most people I encountered in Mexico City have very outgoing personalities. Some people were introverted and they were just as extraordinary. Many families are incredibly tightly knit and if you can become their friend, you have become their family. They have the biggest hearts. They stand their ground if they feel they are being taken advantage of. They feel that all should work hard together to serve each other. Many had the "all for one and one for all" feeling with their family and choice friends. So many have a desire to follow God and to praise him. I was so lucky to be called to serve specifically them for two years.

People have asked me questions about how it was to be gay on a mission. The main two reasons are 1) how do you teach and invite people to accept the teachings of God when the teachings feel like they are against you and 2) because I'm around another man for 24 hours in a day, 7 days of a week for 2 whole years.

Missions give you many opportunities to build a stronger relationship with the Holy Ghost, our Savior, and our Heavenly Father. You get to build relationships with people who you didn't know before and with people you already know. You get to learn a lot about yourself including your strengths and weaknesses.

My MTC district, (Left to right) Elders Watts, Welch, Larson, Deem, Steele, Peterson, Jones, and Barton

I don't understand the need to question how a gay missionary's experience was with their sexuality. Sexual temptations do not only happen to gay people. Sexual temptations do not only happen to men. To say that someone is protected from temptations or even the likelihood of sinning is lessened because they are not a specific gender or even because of their sexual preference is to say that others have no need to be tested. It is to say they are above sin and are stronger. One person is not exempt from one kind of temptation. To get this over with, I will tell you. It was the same as ever. It was hard at times and easy in others. Just like a straight person.  Surprise!

Heavenly Father used me being gay to help me be more compassionate. He helped stem my pride. He taught me that not everyone may be kind to me, but it should encourage me to be kind to all. You do not have to spend time with people who are oppressive but for the bettering of the world, you also do not need to be cruel. Some missionaries in my mission were homophobic which definitely strengthened the idea of staying in the closet. Some of the missionaries were some of the kindest men and women I met in those two years. One missionary who I always looked up to was Elder Lamb. He was a Zone Leader and he led by example. Things he taught me about teaching and the gospel have helped me in my life and I am eternally grateful.

Elder Pike ready for Christmas

I had some amazing companions who taught me many things. I had great opportunities with them to work together and help brothers and sisters not only learn about the gospel of Jesus Christ, but also accept invitations to follow our Saviors example and to join His church. We definitely had fun times as well as spiritual times.

Elder Layton and I in the La Laguna ward

I got to meet many people. Some of them were empathetic and kind. Some were doubtful of our intentions. Some of them were unkind. Some of them were discriminatory. Some of them bought food and water for us, but wouldn't say why. Walking down the street and having many people wave at us or hear a member yell, "Elders!" was not uncommon.  I got yelled at multiple times for the racism that is in the United States. I also got talked to about how wonderful the people in the United States are. I got spit on. I got hugged. I got sworn at. I got praised.

I got asked by a woman if she could take my eyes out and keep them forever. Yeah. Weird people aren't only in Utah.

One of the most precious gems in this world lives in Mexico City. Her name is Mama Nico. There aren't many people who can have my heartstrings tugged at just by thinking of them but she is definitely one of them. Mama Nico is the mother of a woman I baptized. I remember the first time I called her Mama Nico instead of "Hermana." She quietly whispered to Ana pointing out that my name for her had changed. She was extra happy that visit. She always made sure we had food in our stomachs, our clothes were clean, and people treated us right. She made sure there were no doubts that not only were we loved, but that we were loved by her. We weren't just missionaries in her home. We were home. We were with our Mama and she made sure we knew it. She expressed such passion in believing in God and how he helps us. She made sure her opinions were heard and she rarely budged. I think about her daily and my heart aches that I don't get to go see her for her big bear hugs whenever I want.

English Classes with Elders Disego, Ware, Echeverria, Barben, Steele, and Nogueda.

Another angel I met is Melanie. She was the daughter of a less-active member who had left the church years ago. I had met the mother once before months prior and she wasn't exactly kind to us. This time around (4ish months later and with a new companion), Melanie asked her mother if we could come in. She was reluctant, but we were let in to teach. Melanie was an incredibly bright girl and learned faster than most adults we taught. She loved the way we remembered the 10 commandments with our fingers so she memorized them in one night and taught them to her extended family. The extended family was a mix of different faiths and were happy she was taking religious classes. They also invited her to their churches, but she politely declined saying she was going to "the Mormon church." After about a month of teaching sweet Melanie and her mother, we could see significant changes in their lives. The mother seemed happier with less of a weight on her shoulders. One day as Elder Layton and I sat down on their couch, Melanie's mother said she wanted to talk to us. We glanced at each other, slightly apprehensive of what she was going to say. She told us that after the first time we taught a lesson and left, Melanie turned to her mother as they watched us walk away and asked, "Mama, why do the Elders have wings?" Her mother looked at us and said she didn't see anything. Melanie insisted that she could see a glow around us and bright beautiful wings on our backs. Tears ran down our cheeks as her mother continued to tell us that after we walked out of sight, Melanie rushed into their living room and was twirling around. "Mommy!" she exclaimed, "The room smells like flowers!" She didn't believe Melanie at first, but she testified to us that every single time we left, the house smelled like roses. I was transferred to a different area before Melanie got baptized. I will always remember her words. I was an angel to that girl and she was an angel to me. 

At the Aztec pyramids sitting on the Pyramid of the sun looking at the Pyramid of the moon.

Years later, I was sitting in ward council on a Sunday morning in Lehi Utah and I looked at my phone to check the time. I quickly stepped out and went down to the Stake Presidents office for an interview. President Rob Elzey met with me and asked me to be the Elders Quorum President for the American Fork YSA 2nd ward. I had been released as the 1st counselor almost 7 months prior to an amazing President Tyler Brown and I thought there was some mistake that I was picked, but I accepted. President Elzey testified to me of the amazing power of leading from the back of the group to make sure not one person was lost.

I walked outside and instantly called my father. I told him that I had been called as the EQP. He said, "That's great Dallin!" Tears flowed down my eyes as I doubted that I could even come close to doing a good job. I started sobbing and I think realization washed over my father that I was scared. He said the most precious words he has repeated multiple times to me throughout my life. He said, "God bless you Dallin." I sobbed some more and he consoled me telling me that I would do a wonderful job. I still had my doubts.

Finally home next to my mother

How could a gay man lead an elders quorum? How could he make a difference in the lives of straight men? I wasn't good enough to be an Elders Quorum President.

Over a year later, I was still the president and my second counselor Josh and I were visiting brothers in our ward. We were able to chat a little bit with one who I'd never seen before. I didn't know him and I didn't know about his activity in the church as some people go to their home wards for whatever reason they so desire (which is okay). He was a very shy person and didn't talk much. He came a few times to the ward after our visit. I greeted him but could tell he was still not ready to be too social. So I would smile, tell him it was good to see him, pat his shoulder, and then walk away. He kept coming and sometime afterwards, we as an EQ presidency had prayed on who should be our new secretary. It was him. I asked if he and I could meet and I then proceeded to ask him to be my secretary. The exact look of fear I am sure President Elzey saw in my face were clear to me in this young man's eyes, but he instantly said yes. I said that was great and then his face faltered. He looked at me and said, "I haven't had a calling before. I don't know what to do." I smiled and informed him that I would help him. He excelled in his calling. Later on, he found a girl in another ward and started dating her. Our singles ward was made up of singles from two home stakes in it. We were split up to be combined with other wards and I didn't get to see too much of him after that. He kept dating his girlfriend, they later got sealed in the temple and they now have a beautiful daughter. 

Later on, I was released as EQP and then immediately called as an Executive Secretary. They didn't let me get a moments peace (it makes me laugh all the time). After a while in my new calling, a girl in my ward texted me and asked me for a blessing. She'd reached out to me a few times prior to find out about activities. She said she didn't know her home teachers (Yep, I was alive during the era of home teaching) and she didn't know many men in the ward. She expressed the desire for a blessing of guidance. I gave her a blessing and as I conveyed the words the Holy Ghost wanted me to, I felt a surge of love from Heavenly Father towards her. I knew that my hands were on the head of an angel and an excellent representative of our brother Jesus Christ. Tears flowed down both of our eyes during the blessing. When I had finished, she expressed gratitude that she could trust me and know that I was a man who held the priesthood worthily. 

I think anyone and everyone can have such experiences that helps others in their lives. I just happened to be that president. I happened to be the man in that ward. I wish people didn't think that the mission stops or that they have to have the most amazing spiritual expreiences. I wish they would realize we are always on a mission and there are always people to serve.  There are people who are supposed to serve you. Missions don't only have to be when you're wearing a name tag and consistently in Sunday clothing. One of my MTC teachers Hermano Michael Eraso said, "If your mission is the best two years of your life, you did it wrong." He taught my amazing district that the years after should only add to the greatness of those two years of being a full-time missionary. Serving and loving should not stop when you step off the plane.  

With Steve, Josh, and Cambri at Bdubs (Buffalo Wild Wings) after almost a year of not seeing each other.

What is my experience as a gay missionary?

I continue learning that God loves me regardless of anything in my life and it's exactly the same for all humanity. God has shown and taught me that I need to do the same. Our Heavenly Father has many people for us to love and He has given me plenty of them. He has many people for us to teach. He has many people to teach and love us. A way that we can help others is by receiving help ourselves. True loving relationships come from serving each other. We can use our own experiences, even our own vices or struggles to help others feel they are not alone. God has used my struggles to help others.

My mission didn't stop. It didn't start on February 15th when I was set apart the night before entering the Missionary Training Center in Provo, Utah. If you haven't had the opportunity to serve as a full-time missionary, if you didn't have that opportunity, or even if you won't have it, it doesn't matter. God does not care if you've served a full-time mission or not. God does not care if you were an assistant on the mission. God doesn't care if you made mistakes or had an uncontrollable mental and/or physical condition that prevented you from being able to serve. You are still worthy of bringing everlasting peace to others. You are needed. Where you are is where you need to be. Where you need to be, there is work to be done. Where there is work to be done, there are miracles to be brought about. Help me bring miracles to the world in your own way.

Whether you're gay or not, tall, average height, or short, cute or cute (because every one of you is beautiful), Mormon or not,  blue-eyed or brown-eyed (or whatever color your eyes are), whether you like apple juice, orange juice, both or neither, it doesn't matter. You are needed. You are wanted. You are loved.

Whatever your situation is, you can make the world a better place. That is what I am trying to do as a gay missionary.

On a Scale of 1-10, How Much Does It Hurt?

Recently, a friend of mine reached out and asked if we could talk. This friend is also gay and Mormon but they are not out like I am. They told me they needed to talk to someone and were sick of trying. I didn't need any explanation to understand what they meant. We went on a drive and talked for about an hour. During our conversation we talked about a variety of things. Most of the conversation was about the gay and Mormon experience and how it's so hard. It is especially hard because we are trying to live the way we know we should, yet there are so many unkind comments from people, including those in the church, that are words not welcomed by the Savior. We both acknowledged that they just didn't understand and we wished they could understand the pain of what we have to go through day after day.

This year in Sunday School we have been reading and discussing the Old Testament. One Sunday, we were discussing the story of Abraham and Isaac. For those who aren't familiar with it, Abraham and his wife Sarah were very old and didn't have any children. They were told by men of God that they would have a son. Abraham and Sarah didn't quite believe it because of their age, but Isaac came and they loved him so. Abraham was a prophet and while communicating with God one day, he was told he needed to sacrifice his son like a lamb. They had waited so long and had prayed endless hours for a child, but now they weren't just told that he would be taken away to serve the Lord on earth. He wasn't being sent to start his own family. They were told he would have to die, and not just die but the death would come from the hands of his own father. It sounds really hard and even traumatizing right? Spoilers: Isaac doesn't die.

If you want to read the rest of the story and see what happens, click Here

When I was listening to the teacher as we shared this story, a phrase came to my mind. "What is your Isaac?" One of these days I really want that as something to hang in my home. What is your Isaac? What is so precious to you but you are willing to give it up to follow an all-knowing God who has the greatest wishes and a perfect plan for you?

Morgan and I went to Jurassic World 2 and loved it!

Religious aspects aside, the thing I desire most is to have a husband and children. It's weird for me to actually type it out, but it's the truth! Late last year I got sucked into YouTube one night and was watching animal movies (I was that nerd kid who adored the TV show "Nature"). While I had been watching a video of an African safari and tourist were watching Cheetahs, I saw a clip that said, "I Let My Husband and Son Shave My Head." I hesitated, then clicked, and watched it. The men, Matt Dallas (who is the main character of the TV show Kyle XY) and his husband Blue Hamilton, have a whole YouTube channel. They include their son, Crow, in almost every single video they have made since they adopted him. I watched video after video of this small family. Crow looks so happy. They look so happy. They are happy. That night was an incredibly difficult night for me. They were living my earthly dream. It was a night that I stayed up very late and many tears were shed until I fell asleep.

I wish people could feel my sorrow. I wish they could have a glimpse at the confusion I feel and desires that I have to stem EVERY SINGLE DAY so that I am focused on my Savior. I wish they could see how their words, sometimes even well-intended, can cause pain and frustration. 

After having publicly come out, a friend approached me and said, "Dallin, I have this great idea for you." I was not exactly excited for this idea, but I smiled and asked what it was. This friend then proceeded to tell me that I should be straight just for ONE day so I could marry *girl who is a mutual friend*. In that moment, I felt years of painful memories heavily dropped onto my shoulders and heart. How could they not realize that I couldn't choose to be gay or straight. How could they not understand what I've had to go through to see how horrible that was to say to me. Most people don't realize how in my early teen years I realized what the attractions meant and I prayed to God saying, "Please don't make me gay. Please please please just make me attracted to girls. I don't know what's wrong with me." I again repeated those prayers in my mid-teen years when I heard another young man exclaim, "It's so great to be straight! I'd hate being gay." I went home and just lay on my bed in utter silence while my mind endlessly repeated his words louder and louder. There were many nights I lay awake trying to figure out what I could do. During Junior High and High School, my best friend would pull out our yearbooks and ask which girl I liked. I panicked every time and tried to end the conversation quickly. I asked out wonderful women to dances throughout High School and they kindly obliged to go with me. In every date I have been on, all I could feel was, "I'm lying to this girl and I know that if we continue, I'm going to break her heart." All potential relationships never progressed because of that screaming voice in my head saying, "When she finds out, you're going to lose her because she won't want a gay man as a husband."

One of my favorite pictures of my Savior. It's name is "Gentle Healer"

Years back, a friend and I decided to drive to St. George for a mutual friend's wedding reception. On our way, gay people came up as a subject and he expressed some frustration at them. He said to me, "Why can't the gays go be gay somewhere else?" My heart felt it had been stabbed. I didn't know where I could go to "be gay" if that didn't involve living in the church and loving God wherever I was. I had hoped this friend would have been more understanding, but at the time, he wasn't.

Every single day, I see and hear small reminders of something I probably won't get in this life. I am not closing off my future of what could happen, but as of right now, marriage is a subject that I have discussed with Heavenly Father many times and as of now, isn't in my near future. When I see a couple (gay or not) together, I have an inner sigh of sadness whether consciously or not.

What am I not getting? I don't get to grow old holding hands with the love of my life. I don't get to sit next to my husband and fight about what TV show we're going to watch on netflix or start a pillow fight because he kept watching and didn't wait for me. I don't get to make him dinner and surprise him with a special night at home. I don't get to plan a secret trip for us to go to California to the beach and Disneyland. I don't get to hold him while he cries because his day was hard or someone said something hurtful. I don't get to have fun bickering in the grocery store about how he is actually the better half. I don't get to say an absolutely amazing pun and laugh as he rolls his eyes for the 10th time that day. I don't get to look back after 30+ years of marriage and sit in awe about how we got through the hard times together and realize the fights over who had to clean the bathroom were pointless. I don't get to hear our children call him daddy and run to him with big hugs as he walks in from work. I don't get to see him lovingly put a band-aid on their knee because they fell on the concrete and give them a kiss all better. I don't get to see him reading bedtime stories and teaching our children to use their imagination. I don't get to see him teach teenagers how to drive cars while freaking out he's about to die. There will be no first dates of kids making sure they're home on time and going out with others who will respect them. There will be no teaching as parents that they need to be kind and loving to all people when we find out our children been cruel to others. I won't get to finally let the youngest child leave for college and be crying my eyes out while he holds me telling me I did a wonderful job raising them. I don't get that one person to tell all my insecurities to and still have them love me anyways. There will be no slow dancing to music with him that makes me cry, sing, or laugh. I don't get to rest my head on his shoulders and sigh knowing everything will be okay because I have him and he has me.

On a scale of 1-10, how much do you think it hurts? Some days, it's at the full 10 if it doesn't feel like an 11. It's heartbreaking, isn't it? This is what I wish people understood of my story. This isn't easy. There are so many people who want this and all we can hear from so many is "You don't deserve it because my beliefs are different." Some people do get to have what I want, but my pathway isn't going that way. I am choosing something I love with all my heart over something that is almost as significant and important to me. I am denying a part of me that is NOT a choice (If you question that, you can read the Church's stance Here) and people still try to criticize and change. I have cried many nights because I have no idea why I have to go through this, but others act like I chose it, so therefore I must be berated.

Why does this have to be my Isaac?

The answer: I don't know.

What do I know?

I know there is not only a God, but there is a Heavenly Father who knows all and loves all. I know personally that He loves me, watches over me, and that I am His son. I have heard his words and I have felt the truth. I know I love him more than myself and anything else in the world. I know there is life after death. I know the Book of Mormon is true and was translated by Joseph Smith Jr.

Do you want to know why I'm choosing this life? You can read my blog post "Why I Choose To Be Mormon When I Didn't Choose To Be Gay"

Facetiming David while he was in Switzerland

All I want from this post is that you will have some kind of understanding of one persons (my) pain. I cannot speak for others and what they are going through, have gone through, or even what they WILL go through. If you can understand my pain to the tiniest amount, maybe then you might understand why certain things must be left unsaid. Certain feelings, prejudices, and presumptions will be dropped. When I have taken time to learn from others and see their pain in the best way that I can even come close to understanding, I have felt a greater capacity of love than I felt before. Those experiences have taught me how to be more charitable and Christ-like. The prophet Moroni talks about charity.

In Moroni 7, we read,

44 If so, his faith and hope is vain, for none is acceptablebefore God, save the meek and lowly in heart; and if a man be meek and lowly in heart, and confesses by the power of the Holy Ghost that Jesus is the Christ, he must needs have charity; for if he have not charity he is nothing; wherefore he must needs have charity.

45 And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

46 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, if ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth. Wherefore, cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail.

What will you do to try to be more understanding? Will it take reading of a post of a vulnerable and imperfect man who is gay and chooses to be Mormon? What will it take for love and understanding to be in your heart? What will finally halt your unkind and cruel thoughts being typed out on the internet or words spoken filled with spite solely to prove your point?

Can the love of God not do greater good than man's hate-filled heart which is full of misunderstanding? Don't you want more joy and love to be abound upon the Earth?

I know I do. I know that together we can make that happen. All we have to do is truly listen and truly learn. Then we will feel of His love at a greater level and become a greater and more empowered people in Zion to do His will.